Designing the Future
by SoInspiredbyYou
Summary: Ruminations on motivations for the break down between Caroline and Kate, what might have transpired between them as they rebuild their relationship. These two character's of Sally Wainwright have captured my imagination. These thoughts kept bumping around in my mind and I found I had to write it down to see what really happens.
1. Chapter 1

_Thanks for your patience as I bumble through the posting process learning curve. I'm a techno-dope. LOL. You've all been very kind to take time to make reviews, I look forward to hearing from you. _

**Family Christmas **

The end of the evening before had left no doubt in the mind of Caroline or Kate that their feelings for one another were deep and that they had a strong desire to find a way forward together. Their affair had been tumultuous from the beginning and the agonizing aftershocks of the disastrous birthday weekend were still reverberating between them.

Somehow the sorrowful months of separation had not diminished the reverence for one another that had been characteristic of them. For all that they had rushed the trajectory of the relationship, they had never rushed one another. They came together in awe of the intensity between them. Willing to savor unhurriedly the sensations of drawing together slowly, the tension of the pause for eyes to meet, for lips to hover like a rest between notes of a song. The thrill of finding their own passion reflected back in the response of the other to each glance or touch.

Caroline thought of their captivation with one another in terms of physics. There was a magnetic force between them as if each were charged opposite of the other. Drawing them slowly inevitably together. It was something so simple to explain in science and so indefinable between two human beings.

It must have been some quality of this unhurried drawing together that had made it seem like a promise to their future to meet in the middle of the wide bed, naked in body as they were prepared to be in heart and soul. They lay face to face, a hand of each clasped beneath the pillow they shared, gazing into one another's eyes, and promptly fell sleep, relaxed, as if the world had somehow returned to its natural order.

Caroline, in spite of the lateness of the hour when they had finally made it to bed was awake at first light. She was surprised upon wakening to find that she was curled around Kate. Her body supporting Kate's back and the additional weight it now carried. An arm around Kate's middle, Caroline for the first time felt the movements beneath the distended belly. Enchanted with this as she had been with the image of this child on the monitor at the hospital, Caroline marveled at how much she wanted this baby. The child she had tried to talk Kate out of conceiving.

Drifting in and out of sleep for a bit, gradually Caroline's mind locked onto all that she had to do today and became fully awake. Considering all there was left to do to put on Christmas for her now enlarged family. Caroline revised a schedule, not only for herself but also for the boys and tentatively for Kate. OK, slippery slope there. She would need to be careful, offering this plan to Kate as an invitation rather than marching orders as she would to the boys or had done with John at one time.

Kate's return would radically alter her life. She would need to banish many of the patterns she had followed in the years of her marriage to John. She must curb her tendency to direct everything and learn to collaborate with Kate as they designed a new life together. Yes, like architects, they would clear the debris of the unfortunate events in the past to lay a new foundation for a family. Together they would shape a new family that would include her boys and Kate's unborn baby. Of course, there were difficult discussions ahead as they salvaged all that was fine and good between them and began sorting out their future. Even knowing that it would not be easy Caroline felt lighter than she had felt in months.

Caroline could not help but let her mind return to the incredible evening just past. She relived the discouragement of Kate's departure and the heart stopping sight of her extended hand, a challenge in the form of an invitation. Or was it an invitation in the form of a challenge? Caroline couldn't decide but she had known instinctively that if she didn't seize this opportunity it might never come again. She had suspended her fear that nothing would change as a result of a dance. Then amazingly, Kate had stayed beside her while all Caroline's friends and family had filed by and allowed herself to be introduced to them. Caroline hadn't necessarily given their relationship a label during these introductions, but _really_, after everyone had seen the two of them on the dance floor, there hadn't seemed to be a need to spell it out. Caroline reflected that in part it had been the labels that had panicked her in the first place so many months ago.

When she and Kate were alone together everything seemed so right and natural. But words like gay and lesbian seemed to hold so much freight. She felt when hearing those words in connection with herself as if they were euphemisms for what Laurence had obliquely called her, a muff munching shirt lifter. Was labeling their relationship really so important? Maybe it was to Kate. She would have to ask her. What labels did they want to use? Certainly Caroline wanted to get it right this time.

All at once, Caroline become conscious of the tiny movements becoming stronger as the baby kicked and stretched beneath the hand with which she had been stroking Kate's stomach. The Baby! Parenting a baby again. A little sister to her boys, how would they react? She hadn't discussed this with them last night; there had been so little time and more pressing issues. Surely they had seen that Kate was expecting a baby and worked out that with Kate came a baby. Hadn't they? Had she, really? The thought caused Caroline to catch her breath, struck fully for the first time by the realization that she was an expectant parent! Panic was setting in.

"Breath Caroline" commanded Kate's voice.

Her head swiveling quickly, she saw that Kate had not moved. "How did you…"

Kate turned onto her back, to look at Caroline. "The wheels turning in your head woke me up," she smiled, "I heard you stop breathing." Touching Caroline's hand on her belly, "This is the first time you've done that." She knew that Caroline was aware of the exact week of her pregnancy. That had slipped out the day she came to the hospital to be with her, the day of her scare. Kate could not keep back a smile as she watched the bemused look on Caroline's face, the fingers that had never left Kate's belly moving here and there wherever the little limbs pressed against the walls of their confinement. Caroline's fingers automatically pressing back whenever she could connect with the movement.

Glancing up she found Kate's amused eyes upon her. Caroline leaned back to see Kate's face, "Whot?"

"You. Playing games with her already. Automatically, the consummate mother."

Caroline, her hand stilled, said earnestly, "You're her Mum, Kate. I feel I've missed so much. Will you mind if I get a little... intense about her?" Then humbly, "I do have that tendency, you know.

"No, I won't mind," Kate said tenderly, flooded with elation that Caroline could feel this way. "After…" she took an extra breath, "Considering everything, it might be more surprising if we weren't _both_ a little intense about…" giving Caroline a questioning look, "our baby?" Seeing her own exultation reflected back on Caroline's face and her nod of agreement Kate could breathe freely once more. "I only hope that I can be half the mother to her that you are to your boys."

"Oh Kate." Quickly moving her fingers to Kate's face and raising up on an elbow to look earnestly into the beautiful brown eyes. "Kate, there is no doubt in my mind that you are going to be, hands down, one of the world's best mothers. With your upbringing, with the parents you had, how could you be anything else?" Seeing that she was not convinced, Caroline continued, "I see you with the students, you genuinely care about them, encourage them, reprimand appropriately when needed. You are going to be a great Mum."

"Well, yes, older children." Kate said dismissively.

"Kate, the infant stage, as exhausting as it is, really is the easy part. Who doesn't love a baby?" Caroline's voice was noticeably softer on the last words. This wasn't lost on Kate. "It is as they grow up that it becomes so much more difficult to know the right things to say and do."

"Like with your boys now?"

"Yes," admitted Caroline, "I do worry." Kate nodded.

Just then, the alarm on Caroline's phone went off. "Right. I guess that is the official start of our day," remarked Caroline regretfully. Then with a lustful look at the flawlessly smooth skin of Kate's chest down to perfect, unwrinkled cleavage she said softly, "I was just beginning to entertain thoughts of alternative activities to talking."

"Only just now?" asked Kate cheekily, throwing her arms above her head. Lowering her voice to a provocative level and looking out at Caroline from under long lashes, she went on, "we've been naked in this bed for hours and you are just only now beginning to think of non-verbal activities?"

"Mmmm," said Caroline, her own face and voice becoming sultry. Having slowly moved her face quite close to Kate's Caroline gave her a very sensuous kiss before quickly rolling away to the far edge of the bed with a loud groan of regret and onto her feet. She then provocatively sauntered toward the bathroom, looking back over her shoulder with a very cheeky look on her face.

"No fair," wailed Kate just before the door closed.

With Caroline out of sight Kate remembered that she had heard Caroline stop breathing. What had stopped her breathing? They had never gotten to that. She must remember to ask her later. Later! Thinking of the day to come felt a little overwhelming. She hadn't meant to cause disruption in their lives by coming back last night. Holidays and all that went with them, families, entertaining, the gatherings surrounding the holidays hadn't even crossed her mind on the drive to Harrogate and back. Only Caroline had been on her mind, as usual. Here she was complicating Caroline's life again.

It wasn't long before Caroline, wrapped only in a towel, was there once more, kneeling on the floor beside the bed. Her face just inches from Kate's smelling of soap and toothpaste. "Now whose wheels are turning?" Caroline asked, brows high, looking down her nose at Kate. The endearing expressions this gorgeous, fascinating woman could wear! Just when Kate would swear she had them all memorized, here would be a new one. She could spend a lifetime just gazing at Caroline and never grow tired of seeing her.

"Earth to Kate, earth to Kate, come in" Caroline joked gently, having tilted her head inquisitively, another new view. Finally Kate's eyes connected with Caroline's. "Whot?" asked Caroline, gazing back, an amused smile on her face. In truth she was as willing to just spend her day taking in Kate's features as Kate seemed to be willing to silently scrutinize her own. God knows why, she thought.

"Mmmmm," said Kate distractedly, still studying Caroline's face. "Just wondering what you had in mind for us. Finally looking into Caroline's eye, "do you have plans for us? Is that why I could hear the wheels turning?"

Caroline, guilty, looked down at the bare shoulder beneath her chin and couldn't resist kissing it. "Maybe I have a few suggestions," she offered.

"Suggestions," scoffed Kate. "I'll bet you have plans well enough laid to invade Russia by noon" said Kate with a grin she could not suppress.

Caroline, still looking guilty stammered, "Well… I…" before being cut off.

"You really are magnificent Caroline," whispered Kate, all the love she felt shining on her face.

Caroline, overcome with powerful feelings, stronger in her now than they had ever been, could only communicate her love through her lips. This kiss was a tender reminder of last night's promise of a future together. Reluctant to part, the kiss deepened communicating the passion just beneath the surface in each woman. Caroline levered herself higher with her elbows on the bed, Kate turned into the seeking lips moving urgently on hers. When the kiss ended, both were breathless, once again cheek-to-cheek breathing into one another's ear, aware that the timing was still off for them.

Caroline, suddenly conscious of time passing, determinedly rose to her feet and spun away as Kate made an effort to snatch the edge of her towel. She couldn't resist making a face over her shoulder as she moved to the wardrobe. In spite of their innuendo this morning, Caroline decided that it wasn't fair to Kate just to drop the towel and dress in front of her on this particular morning. Pointedly replying to the earlier question, "I have _suggestions_ to make for Christmas and Boxing Day. I hope you will like them and agree." Pausing to see if Kate had anything to say, and upon finding that she remained silent with a speculative raise of her brows, Caroline went on as she selected the various undergarments that she needed. "I realize that you have likely had your Christmas plans laid for some time. But seeing as I am committed to feeding my rapidly expanding family, I wonder, would you and your Mum like to join us?"

From inside the open bathroom door Caroline called, "I can't promise what might happen. My mother, as you well know, is a loose cannon, Gillian is not much better, Alan's brother Ted is mostly an unknown quantity and Laurence is a teenager with moods." Laughing ruefully, "Not that I am trying to put you off of the invitation, I just want to be sure you understand what you are letting yourself in for if you do join us for dinner."

"Of course, you must already have plans for the day. If you want to come over though you'd be welcome. You and your Mum, just you, any time you like, as long as you like." Stopping short, Caroline realized that she was rambling. Slightly embarrassed and coming to stand in the open doorway wearing a lacy black slip, she ended softly "and yes, my invitation extends to you spending the night with me tonight." Almost shyly, "If you are so inclined." Watching Kate's face for a sign of her reaction Caroline saw by the distracted look on Kate's face that she may not have heard this last.

Caroline came to sit on the edge of the bed and taking Kate's hands, "please, quickly, put me out of my misery and tell me your plans. Do you think they can be brought into sync somehow with my commitments for the day?"

Kate recovering herself, sat up higher against the pillows, pulling the sheet up with her. Reflecting quietly for a moment, Kate responded, "Much as I would like for our families to meet and get to know one another, I wonder if it might not be better all around to arrange a time when things have quieted down a bit. For everyone's sake." Kate watched Caroline consider this. "Give you and I a little time to be together and talk things through. Let your Mum and Alan come down from the emotionalism of the wedding. Maybe for the first time my Mum and yours meet not have Gillian and her family there too?" Kate went on quickly, "Nothing against any of them and not that my Mum can't hold her own. Just saying, for the first time, maybe let's be a little… low key about it? We got into trouble before by rushing things is all I'm saying."

"Yes, you may be right. Let's take a saner pace this time," Caroline agreed. "So does that mean you won't be coming over?

"No, but I was wondering if you could ride back to Harrogate with me - can William drive your car?" At Caroline's nod, "let Mum know that we are…" That cute wrinkled nose and enquiring look that Caroline found so endearing on Kate's face, "What are we? Seeing each other again? Back together?" Opening her mouth, nonplussed, she looked at Caroline.

Caroline, seeing her dilemma, and understanding it, didn't really know the answer, had in fact expected Kate to tell _her_ what they were now. The two of them considered for a moment, looking candidly into one another's eyes. Then, firmness registering in Caroline's body, face and voice, "We are a couple. Starting a family together. Blending a family."

Kate, seeing the resolve in Caroline's eyes, felt gratified and being in total agreement with this assessment she beamed her approval to Caroline who only then relaxed somewhat.

Caroline, again realizing that time was passing, in spite of the fact that she had set her alarm for an outrageously early hour, returned them to the planning at hand. "I can come with you to your Mum's for a bit." Looking penitent, "my time is going to run short for getting Christmas dinner on…" then abruptly she stopped herself. Shaking her head and lifting her chin, "Sod it. We'll take as much time as we need. This lot will have had a staggering breakfast downstairs this morning. It won't matter a bit if the dinner is later than I originally planned." Pausing to laugh at herself Caroline said, "I'm the only one who had any idea what time that might be anyway."

Glancing again at the bedside clock and realizing that she was still wasn't fully dressed and Kate hadn't even made it into the bathroom yet, Caroline said briskly, "Right. We had better get moving." Turning to the wardrobe, deliberately avoiding the sight of Kate rising naked from her bed, she resolutely continued, "Your turn in the loo. Plenty of time for a shower, if you like, while I get dressed."

Kate, smiling in some satisfaction at the lengths Caroline felt necessary to control her desire, was also grateful not to have to display her now misshapen body before the stunning woman, who if anything, looked better than ever having become trimmer during their time apart.

Caroline, moving on from hair and makeup, stopped short, as she was about to pull on the soft knit dress she had brought with her. Suddenly, it occurred to her that Kate had no Christmas finery, not even a change of clothing to put on to go down to breakfast. The only things she had were the clothes that she had worn to the wedding.

Appalled at this realization, she berated herself for not thinking of it before. Had Kate brought a bag? Was it still in her car? After she finished dressing, Caroline listened, hearing the shower was off, knocked and called, "Kate, do you have a bag in the car? Can I go down to get it for you?" Kate wrapped inadequately in the hotel bathrobe, opened the door. Embarrassed, Kate smiled regretfully, "No, I never thought that far, just got back in the car and set off again. At least my dress was hanging in here and the steam from the shower has released the wrinkles from it. I'll be fine," she said not quite believably. What woman wanted to appear at breakfast wearing last night's clothes? "I have some cosmetics in my handbag. It is only until I can get home.

Unable to change the circumstances, Caroline kissed Kate gently on the cheek and allowed her to return to dressing. Caroline quickly completed her own preparations for the day, repacking her suitcase so that it would be ready for the boys to bring down and place into her car when breakfast was over.

After the experience of applause following their dance the night before, and especially considering that Kate would appear before everyone in yesterday's clothing, Caroline had no intention of being anything but among the first of the wedding party to appear in the private dining room she and Gillian had reserved. There would NOT be a floorshow as she and Kate entered with the rest of the family already seated.

Kate walked into the bedroom looking as lovely and fresh as she had when she arrived yesterday. Relieved for Kate's sake, Caroline pulled her into a tender embrace and told her so. Hand in hand, they walked to the door, Caroline picking up her keys and phone as she passed the dressing table, Kate already with her handbag on her shoulder.

In the corridor they met William and Laurence just leaving their room. William in his new grown up way, kissed his mother's cheek, then Kate's, greeting them with "Good Morning, Happy Christmas" as he did so. "I'm off to bring Roxy down, see you in the dining room." Passing his brother on the way back down the corridor, gave him an ungentle nudge, prompting Laurence to say "Morning Mum, Morning Kate" before starting for the stairs. "I'm starving, lets go." Caroline and Kate exchanged an indulgent smile and followed him, suddenly realizing that they too were hungry after all of the excitement of the last twelve hours.

Reaching the dining room, they found that only Ted and Harry had arrived before them, first cups of tea in hand. Caroline was satisfied that her plans were on track so far. Ted had thoroughly enjoyed Kate's attention throughout dinner last night and stepped forward to greet her with an enthusiastic "Happy Christmas!" Caroline seeing Raff and Ellie enter with William and Roxy, nodded to the catering manager who had caught her eye with a silent inquiry about whether to bring in the hot food.

Kate had not missed this exchange, while appearing to be listening intently to Ted. And without seeming to, she watched Caroline turn, after giving her own hand a departing squeeze, to welcome the young people and urge them to begin with tea and fruit from the buffet. Kate marveling once again at the capacity of this remarkable woman to manage so many situations and care for so many people all the while making it seem so effortless.

The next of their party to arrive were Marta and her family. After Christmas greetings were exchanged, Caroline ushered this group before her and Kate to the buffet now steaming with hearty breakfast fare. Ted insisted on going last and much to Caroline's amusement maneuvered herself ahead of Kate so that he could follow close behind his dinner partner of the night before.

Selections made, turning from the buffet Caroline and Kate were hailed by Marta, who had two seats for them at her table. Caroline had always enjoyed Marta, who, with a wit every bit the equal to Celia, was kinder and much more open-minded. Marta kept them all laughing over stories of her children and mother.

Ted, who had been clearly disappointed at being separated from Kate, contented himself with a seat beside Laurence where he knew they could renew their ongoing discussion of sport. Raff & William joined in freely while Ellie, Roxy and Susan took up their budding acquaintance at the other side of this large round table.

Spying Muriel enter with her family, Harry had lost no time squiring her through the buffet and arranging for her to sit beside him at a table with Gillian who had followed them at the serving table. Before long, Raff and Ellie, having gone back for second helpings, joined this group.

Celia and Alan were the last to arrive and enjoyed the attention and teasing they received as a result. By this time Marta and her husband had finished the light breakfast they had chosen, owing to the fact that they were expected at two separate Christmas feasts before the end of the day and for which they needed to get on the road. So, offering their seats to Celia and Alan and rising to hug and congratulate them one more time. They collected Muriel and Susan and with more hugging, kissing and hand shaking they said their goodbyes.

Exacting promises from Marta to get together soon, Caroline walked them to the door of the hotel, thanking them for coming and wishing them safe travels for the day. On her way back to the dining room, she reflected on the fortuitous way that the seating plan and timing had worked together to prevent Muriel from getting any digs in to Celia about herself and Kate. Thanks largely to Marta's quickness, Muriel had not been allowed time for any comments last night either. About that time, she realized that she had left Kate alone at the table with her mother and only Alan as a buffer.

Quickening her steps she re-entered the dining room, to find that Ted had moved into her seat to chat with Kate and the newlyweds. Caroline relaxed as she took in the scenario this morning, watching her mother and Alan laughing and joining in the fun as Kate was obviously teasing Ted.

Pulling up a chair from the next table to place between her mother and Ted, she leaned over to give Celia a hug. "Happy Christmas, Mrs. Buttershaw." Looking at Caroline for a long moment, the smile not quite fading from her face as she scrutinized her daughter, Celia finally smiled again and said, "Happy Christmas, to you too, Caroline" as she found and squeezed Caroline's hand. By now, Gillian and Harry were pulling up chairs and joining in the general hilarity. Caroline, looking up, caught Kate's eye and they exchanged a happy smile.

Finally, Gillian stood up, saying, "Right, well if we are going to pick up Emily Jane from Ellie's mother and make it to the farm and back to Caroline's in time for dinner we had better get started. Caroline stood up too, calling her boys to take keys from the rest of the group and help by carrying bags to the various cars. This started everyone off to finish packing and on to check out.


	2. Chapter 2

_In all the confusion over getting chapters to post I found that I had omitted this one. I wanted to share it with you. I will attempt to reorganize the chapters so that this fits into the chronology. I hope that works out and that you will enjoy this chapter too. Apologies for my ineptness._

**Driving to Harrogate**

In time, everyone's luggage was sorted, cars were packed with suitcases and wedding gifts were tucked into odd spaces as they would fit. Surprisingly quickly, it was organized who would be riding in which vehicles. Gillian, Raff and Ellie had already started for the farm, chores to perform in advance of being away again overnight. Alan and Celia set off alone in the Lexis, Ted having elected to ride in Caroline's Jeep with William at the wheel, Roxy beside him and Laurence joining Ted behind. He'd had quite enough of bending and twisting himself into and out of his brother's low slung car if another option presented itself.

Waving them all off, Caroline got into the passenger seat of Kate's car with a deep sigh. She rested her head on the back of the seat for a moment before turning to look at Kate. There was much less space between the seats of this small car than in her Jeep and Caroline found to her surprise and delight that Kate's face was only inches away. Two sets of sparkling eyes feasting on features, expressions, texture… Without conscious thought the dark head and the blonde moved together, lips barely grazing at first, meeting again caressingly and once again. Feeling urgency rise, they remembered the setting and allowed lips to lose contact slowly, faces retreating only far enough for the moment to allow eyes to meet. Then smiles lighting mouths and crinkling eyes, they began fastening seat belts. Kate started the car and pulled out of the car park to follow the other vehicles in the caravan heading for Harrogate.

"So, you know your way here daylight and dark now" observed Caroline with a wry smile. "Sorry yet that you came back?"

Kate only gave her a smiling look that said, "Of course, not."

"Not after hearing what my mother said? Not after the onslaught of the curious and prurient as soon as the music ended?"

"Caroline!" Then, reasonably, "They're your family, friends of your family, the wedding was ending, and they were only taking their leave. Surely."

"Maybe." With a shrug, "Probably. Most of them." Considering for a moment, "thing is, even in the ones who seemed to be nonchalant about meeting you, I detected a smirk lurking just beneath the surface. Do you think I imagined that? Just because… I'm me?" Concerned, "Am I reading more into it than is there?"

Ruefully, Kate responded, "In view of the fact that we _may_ have gotten a _little_ carried away on the dance floor, in our enthusiasm over being together again, I suspect we _may_ have deserved a smirk here or there. Even if we had been a straight couple… Do you…? Am I…?"

Turning her face to look into Kate's, Caroline stated emphatically "'Oh sod 'em, let 'em get on w' it,' to quote Gillian," laughing at herself for worrying. Then more quietly, looking into her lap, afraid to learn the answer, "did I let you down last night? Were you disappointed in me? When everyone came trooping through at once?

"Oh, Caroline, no. You didn't let me down. You were wonderful. I was very proud of you. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you so then." It occurred to Kate, "Is that why you were trembling so last night?"

"I suppose in part, really it was everything all together, at once." Caroline looked through the windshield at the passing scenery embarrassed that she hadn't been able to handle it all with the aplomb that Kate apparently had. After a pause she asked, "Out of curiosity, what did _you_ envision would happen when you came back?

"I don't think I really thought beyond you and I. Your reaction to my coming back."

"Yes. That is where you have the advantage of me" said Caroline softly, looking out the window on her side of the car.

"Sorry?" asked Kate, not taking her meaning.

Shrugging and looking over at Kate, "You get to think about you and me while I have as many people as the cast of an American mini series to consider every step I take." This was stated softly, without heat, it was a fact.

Humbly Kate said, "I know, it is one of the things I realized while we were apart. I was just thinking about it this morning as a matter of fact. Sometimes you must feel like a tightrope walker who has to juggle an assortment of crockery as well. I mean between your boys, your Mum, John, the school and then me inserting myself, upsetting the delicate balance." Stopping Caroline with a raised hand as she was about to interrupt, "I didn't always give you credit for the amazing job you did – do, juggling all of the roles you are responsible for, all of the people you are responsible for. It really is one of the things I admire in you. I think I took that for granted without realizing the skill and grace it required."

The wind fully taken out of her sails and abashed by this admiration, Caroline said tenderly, "You never inserted yourself, I invited you in. Now you _are_ indispensible you know. I hope you never have reason to feel otherwise." Command rising unconsciously in her voice, "If you do, I want you to tell me."

Kate, raising the back of her fingers to Caroline's cheek to take any possible sting from the words said meekly, "Yes, Dr. Elliot" with a mischievous smile. Glad that they had reached a straight portion of road Kate when on quietly, glancing at Caroline often. "As I told you last night, I never could put you out of my mind. One day as I was going over it all, yet again, all that had happened between us in the short time we were together, it occurred to me that you were like the sun, your own solar system."

Taking her eyes from the road long enough to steal a glance at Caroline, Kate saw a look that said this was the last thing that Caroline had expected to hear. Chuckling at this bewildered expression, then sobering quickly at the consternation her laugh had brought to the beloved face, "No really Caroline, without you everything goes to chaos, just like the planets need the magnetism of the sun to continue on their course."

Seeing Caroline shake her head refuting the truth of this Kate continued. "First there are the boys each on their own orbit around you just as they should be. Then your mother, for so long you are all that she has had." Seeing Caroline's surprise, Kate said as an aside, "she told me about it that night she came and asked me to come back to you." Going on, "Of course, now she has Alan but that only brings another planet into the solar system, with his poor health and the fact that they live in your house. Another person to care for."

"And Alan brings Gillian, Raff, then Ellie, now a baby." Seeing Caroline about to protest again, Kate stopped her once more. "You know that if any one of them needed you, you'd be there in a flash. Never even stopping to think what impact this would have on the whole solar system, you'd just find some way, sheer willpower if necessary to rebalance it all." Looking again at Caroline Kate saw her chagrin, admitting the truth of the statement.

We haven't even begun on the school, where you deal with the personalities, opinions and demands of the board of governors, schools inspectors, deputy heads, teachers, staff and students. Even when you are not dealing with them directly they are a responsibility that you carry 24/7, thinking, planning, dreaming for everyone's welfare." Kate said softly, apologetically, "It dawned on me then, everything that you already managed on a daily basis, manage so well that even those of us closest to you take the smooth flow of it all so for granted that we don't realize what it costs you."

Now Caroline was totally embarrassed at having been so thoroughly described to herself. Opening her mouth to speak, found that she couldn't think of a thing to say.

Kate went on sadly, with remorse, "Then you have John and I tag teaming you with deceit and betrayal alternating with claims of love and devotion which do nothing but drain and deplete you into depression." Too upset to continue driving, Kate pulled off into a convenient lay by. Putting the car into park, she turned to face Caroline. Overcome by guilt and sorrow at the contributions she had made to Caroline's burdens, tears coursed down her cheeks and onto her coat.

Caroline stunned to know how clearly Kate now realized the position that she had been in still couldn't find any words to say, so she put her arms around Kate as best she could with them both cramped into their seats and kissed away the tears. "Its over now," she said briefly, hoping to God that this were true. Finally, finding a packet of tissues in the console compartment, Caroline blotted the last traces of dampness carefully from cheeks so beautiful in the morning sun.

Looking levelly into liquid brown eyes she said firmly, "We've promised to do better and we will." With a quick kiss on the still downturned lips, Caroline briskly returned the packet to its home and reached back to reattach her seat belt, saying with a teasing grin, "good thing we are at the back of the caravan or we'd have Ted pulling up behind us to see if you are OK." This at last brought a smile to Kate's face. Knowing only how true it was, she made no comment but put the car into gear and watching for traffic took them once more on their way.

The remainder of the drive was spent reviewing plans for Christmas day. After a stop at Kate's so that she could dress for the day they would move on to Kate's mother's house. After dropping Caroline at home, Kate and her Mum would visit her Dad, then go on to a family dinner. Kate thought that she could be back to Caroline's by 6:30 or so. If her mother were not yet ready to go, one of the cousins would gladly take her home when they left.

Caroline shared her revised schedule for serving Christmas dinner and the program for the day on Conway Drive. Dessert would likely not be called for before Kate's planned arrival time, so she could join them for this. Caroline was pleased when Kate confirmed that she would bring an overnight bag to spend Christmas night with her.

On Boxing Day, Caroline briefed, she was providing brunch for the house party before the Greenwoods had to return to the farm. She had no idea what the elders were doing with themselves beyond brunch but had heard remarks which lead her to believe that Celia and Alan were planning a series of day trips around the area in the next week to show Ted the changes since his immigration and what still remained of the places he knew as a boy.

William and Roxy were catching the noon train tomorrow for Liverpool to spend the weekend with her family since she had been with the Elliot's over Christmas. Laurence, of course, was off to Manchester on the team bus at 1:30pm for the rugby tournament and would not return until Sunday at about the same time.

This left Thursday evening through Sunday noon free for Caroline to do as she pleased. This she offered to Kate freely, unless she had plans already laid. Kate looked at her with awe. There had never before been such a wealth of time for them to spend together. Kate admitted that outside of some marking she had left for the break, she had no specific plans. The two women gazed in wonder at one another, delighted at the prospect of so much uninterrupted time.

Caroline, ever practical knowing her mother as she did, asked Kate if they could spend this time at her house. Kate only too well aware of the bus terminal status of arrivals and departures by all and sundry at Caroline's house, was happy to agree. Both, well pleased with these plans, found that they could not stop turning to look at one another to smile as the car moved through the streets of Harrogate.


	3. Chapter 3

**Christmas **

As Kate pulled to the curb and put the car into park, Caroline released her seat belt, exiting the car quickly to get to the other side to offer an assisting hand to Kate. Touched, but somewhat self conscious about this attention from Caroline, Kate allowed her arm to be taken as she stepped up onto the curb before firmly moving the solicitous hand into her own saying with an indulgent smile, "Caroline, I am only pregnant, not infirm. " Seeing the fallen look on Caroline's face she hastened to add, "I must say, you do make me feel very special."

"You are very special," beamed Caroline giving her hand a squeeze as they walked up the path.

Once inside the door, Caroline turned to face Kate. Placing her fingers on either side of the face before her, Caroline tenderly kissed Kate. Hands on one another's waists, the baby bump keeping them the perfect distance apart to gaze lovingly into one another eyes, they stood together, enjoying this peaceful moment. It felt so good to be together again after so much time apart but the coldness and the misunderstanding was so recent that being together was also still a little scary. It still felt so tentative. Caroline was afraid every time she was parted from Kate that maybe she wouldn't return or if she did she might have changed her mind. Still when they were together as they were now, her heart swelled with joy.

Finally, the baby decided to go into an enormous stretch, seemingly moving in all directions at once and felt by them both standing stomach to stomach as they were, both women began to laugh releasing one another.

Kate glanced back as she rounded the curve of the stairs to see Caroline in silhouette against the sunlight pouring through the window. The sight of this shapely figure with the white gold hair with the admiring blue eyes on her arrested Kate's progress. Finding her mouth filling with water, she swallowed and resolutely continued up the stairs saying softly, "I won't be long."

Once Kate was out of sight and she heard the bedroom door close Caroline took a deep breath. She couldn't help but wonder at herself and the bold way she was following her heart. Logically, it made no sense for her to accept Kate back into her life with no more chance for discussion than they'd had so far. But there was a knowingness inside her that would allow her to do nothing else. She had to follow this intuition, surely she couldn't be more miserable than she had been these last six months.

Thinking of the effect of her misery upon her family she pulled the mobile from her purse to call her house. Laurence answered, "Mum! When are you getting home, presents are waiting you know." Unable to keep the happy laugh from her voice she replied, "Yes, I know Laurence. Then remembering the plan, "I thought you were meeting your Dad when you got back. Did you call him?"

Unenthusiastically, Laurence replied, "Yeah, William did, we are leaving as soon as he puts the turkey into the oven like you asked."

Caroline, trying to sound reassuring "It will be fine once you get there. It will mean a lot to your Dad."

"Yeah, if they're not piss…"

Ignoring this Caroline went on, "Don't forget to take the things you bought for your Dad and Judith from under the tree. Kate and I are going over to see her Mum for a while. I'll likely get home about the same time as you." Receiving no response but knowing there was nothing she could do to improve the situation, Caroline said, "OK, see you when we get home. Bye." Hearing a mumbled, "Bye." Caroline repeated, "Bye, Bye." Looking unseeingly into the distance and reflecting sadly for a moment on the Christmas scene in store for her boys she wished for the millionth time that she could prevent such things from touching them.

Knowing full well that this was impossible Caroline rang her mother's number. "Hi Mum. Drive home go OK?

"Yes, yes, Ted's just arrived through the back door. We are going to unpack and then put our feet up until you get home and the boys are ready to open their packages. Let me know when you've arrived won't you?"

"Sure Mum. Glad you got home safely. See you later."

By this time Kate could be heard descending the stairs. Caroline having been roaming through the rooms as she talked returned to where she could catch sight of Kate the soonest. Lovely in a red velvet dress Kate saw the appreciation in Caroline's face as it tracked her progress down the last few stairs. Taking the overnight bag from Kate she was unable to resist the urge to put her free arm around the tall dark beauty and pull her close. Neither of them seemed able to drink in enough of the other today. Kate had forgotten to breath again, watching the magnificence that radiated from Caroline, and caught another quick breath as she was drawn in by the loving arm. Once again it was the baby protesting against all of this squeezing into her space that brought them back to realization of time passing. After helping Kate with her coat, Caroline passed through the door first, allowing Kate to lock it as she followed behind.

Caroline walked down the path ahead of Kate to open the car door for her. The sun having come out and the day being warmer than expected, Caroline had chosen not to pull her coat from the back seat and put it on for the short walk to the house. For the first time today, Kate had opportunity to watch Caroline while being unobserved. The dark green knit dress with the matching sweater coat trimmed smartly in red, clinging in all the right places to the now trimmer Caroline was bewitching enough but watching those mesmerizing hips sway tantalizingly from side to side, had Kate wishing she could pull Caroline back into the house and forget all of their well laid plans for the day.

Caroline turning at the car to look back for Kate caught the open mouthed look of lust on Kate's face before she could close her mouth and recover. Caroline pleased that she still held appeal for her long estranged lover couldn't help teasing. Opening her eyes wide, raising her eyebrows up under her fringe, to let Kate know that she had been caught, she tilted her head prettily and held the car door open.

Kate embarrassed at having been caught fully in the act of ogling Caroline, began to blush. Caroline well aware of the signs of a blush on this dark skinned woman couldn't suppress a grin. Kate realizing that her blush had been noticed as well as the ogling simply got into the car as quickly as possible to escape the mocking eyes so amused at her expense.

Caroline, deciding that she would continue the joke, started around the front of the car in her most provocative style. Given that Caroline had no idea of the effect she regularly had on people around her in her everyday persona, had even less idea that the sight of her being deliberately provocative, might be truly overwhelming to observers. Busy peeking through the windshield to see Kate's reaction, Caroline was unaware of the car approaching from the other direction, it's occupants having an unobstructed view of this striking woman in all of her magnificence until she heard the catcalls and wolf whistles of two boys slowly cruising past, windows down to communicate fully their appreciation of this glorious show.

Surprise registered on Caroline's face, then seeing that her admirers were unknown to her and that they continued to roll past, decided to go with the moment. She rounded the street side fender of Kate's car and gave them a classic sex symbol pose, one hand on a hip, the other behind her head, until the car disappeared around the corner. Then hearing a car door slam not far away, thought for the first time of Kate's neighbors and climbed quickly into the car with Kate.

Turning her now, appalled at herself, face to Kate and meeting her eyes, both women burst into uproarious laughter. Caroline laughing even harder than she and Gillian had done that day at the hotel when they realized the hotel staff had thought the two of _them_ were getting married. Each time Caroline and Kate began to wind down they would catch one another's eye and shriek uncontrollably again. At last Kate calmed enough to wipe the tears from her eyes and start the car to begin the drive to her mother's.

Caroline, still breaking out in embarrassed giggles from time to time and unable to speak without breaking up, occupied herself in the visor mirror dabbing at her eyes to preserve her make up as much as possible. Thinking with some satisfaction over this episode, that she must not be as completely past it as John would have her believe with his characterization of her as a flaccid overripe fruit of a woman.

Suddenly she realized that in just a few minutes she would be meeting Kate's mother again for the first time in many months. This thought sobered her immediately and she turned a stricken face to Kate. Seeing this sudden change in Caroline, Kate asked with concern, "What?"

"Your mother! What have you told her about me? About us?" The normally unflappable Caroline Elliot was once again panicked. "Stop the car. Pull over now," she commanded. Why hadn't she thought of this before? This was also very unlike her and only added to her panic. "So, what have you said to your Mum? About me? About us?" worried Caroline. "What am I about to walk into here?"

Having parked at the curb near a park, Kate said with a reproving expression, "Caroline, you don't think I would have asked you to do this today if I thought it were going to be difficult for you? Seeing this had done nothing to reassure Caroline, "Early on I didn't actually say too much, just that I was seeing you and inevitably she knew I was seeing quite a lot of you since I wasn't over at hers nearly as much. Later, after… " Kate looked away briefly.

"Well, I couldn't say much without coming face to face with my own responsibility in the matter and it didn't seem necessary to go into it too far. Of course, my mother is not daft, when I turned up pregnant and you out of the picture I'm sure it didn't take too much imagination for her to come to conclusions that weren't far from the truth," Kate finished with a rueful look.

Caroline, saying nothing simply nodded, took Kate's hand and kissed it before holding it for along moment against her cheek in understanding. Blue eyes met brown as they both once again acknowledged to one another the seriousness of the issues still to be discussed. Determinedly, they started off again, to greet another person who would loom large in the joint life they were embarking upon.

Caroline, thinking past the visit to Mrs. McKenzie now, of all that was before her until she would see Kate again, thought all at once to wonder if Kate would get a chance to rest today, in light of the plans she had outlined earlier and asked the question.

"Oh yes, Mum and I agreed that while she is reading to Dad today, I will stretch out on the sofa in his room. It really is nice there. He loves to hear Mum read and it calms him, so I will get a nice rest. Mum is as concerned about me as you are," assured Kate. "It wasn't easy on her either when I lost the babies. I don't like to think…" began Kate before stopping herself.

Caroline started in briskly, "No, we don't want to go there, not today." Then firmly, making eye contact, "promise me that you _will_ take a good rest today." Following Kate's assurance, Caroline said, "text me?"

"Of course," smiled Kate, "if you like," as she pulled to the curb in front of her family home.

"I like" said Caroline leaning into kissing range, waiting for Kate to bring he lips to Caroline's as she knew Kate liked to do. Gentle kisses once again running into one another, warm lips and touching tongues communicating their desire, promising more and better things to come.

Caroline managed to get to the other side of the car in time to assist Kate just as the front door was opened. They were met by Mrs. McKenzie's smiling appraisal of the couple before her. Having caught the loving look just exchanged by her daughter and this stunning blonde woman, she was in little doubt about the news Kate had called to say she wanted to share with her.

Kate aware of her mother's astuteness said only, "Mum, Happy Christmas! You remember Caroline."

Hugging her daughter Mrs. McKenzie felt the excitement humming through her and wondered with some apprehension how this would affect Kate and the pregnancy that seemed so precarious given the babies lost when she was a younger woman. She ushered them into the sitting room at the front of the house, offering them tea.

Kate aware of the tight timeline for the day declined for them both and asked her Mum to sit down. Mrs. McKenzie, a slender, regal looking woman in her late sixties, dressed smartly for the day, seated herself in her favorite chair while Kate and Caroline sat side by side on the sofa.

Kate, seeing her Mother's worry, began earnestly, "Mum, Caroline and I have reconciled." Taking Caroline's hand into her lap, "Last night. It is all very new, of course, but we are moving forward as a couple. Caroline has agreed to raise the baby with me." Looking into Caroline's face for confirmation of what she had told her Mum, she found the reassurance that she needed and watched as Caroline turned to verify this to Mrs. McKenzie.

Caroline met the eyes of the older woman, "We've found through this separation that instead of fading, our love became stronger. Obviously, we have a lot to talk through yet, many plans to lay, but I want you to know that I am committed to Kate and to the child she carries." Pausing to read the older woman's face, Caroline saw relief still tinged with doubt. Turning back to Kate, she continued, "We plan to spend the next several days together, the two of us, to talk and plan for the future." Facing Kate's Mum, conscious of all that would be on this mother heart, "I know this comes as a surprise to you and our time is so short today, will you have dinner with us on Friday evening?" Glancing back at Kate and seeing her smile of approval, "We will all have had more of a chance to grow accustomed to this change and we can talk more then. Are you free on Friday?"

Mrs. McKenzie, somewhat reassured by Caroline's confident manner and Kate's look of admiration and love for this woman that she herself still knew so little of, but instinctively respected, replied, "Yes, of course."

The mantle clock chimed the hour which set them all in motion once again. Mrs. McKenzie gathering her things while Kate and Caroline carried to the car shopping bags of gifts, a cake and a casserole dish prepared to share at the family dinner. On the way to Conway Drive, they made plans for the promised dinner on Friday.


	4. Chapter 4

_NOTE: I found that I had omitted 'Driving to Harrogate' so I inserted it before 'Christmas' to keep the chronology of the story. Apologies for your inconvenience._

**Christmas on Conway Drive**

From the kitchen, Caroline heard the front bell, then William in the hall opening the door for Gillian, Raff, Ellie and the baby. Heard their greetings and jokes about all of the paraphernalia required by Emily Jane to make an overnight stay. Caroline appeared at the door to the kitchen. "Hiiee" she smiled welcoming Gillian as she followed William up the stairs, loaded with her overnight bag plus a large carryall covered in pastel figures, obviously belonging to Calamity.

"Sorry there is only one guest room, I have William and Laurence doubling up in Laurence's room so Roxy can take William's. There are twin beds in there. Roxy can have one and one for you. I thought that with the baby, maybe it would be best to let Raff and Ellie have the guest room. Sorry," Caroline grinned sheepishly.

"Anyplace will do for me. I don't think you've ever slept anywhere but on the settee at mine, come to think of it" shrugged Gillian with a grin from the turn of the stairway. Raff carried another load up behind his mother while Ellie, handing the baby to Alan, began to remove Emily Jane's snowsuit. As the group above stairs came trooping down, Caroline announced, "dinner will be in about an hour. William and Roxy, will you see that everyone gets something to drink?"

All at once the house that Laurence and Caroline had been rattling around in all fall seemed to become a very different place. A round of laughter for one of Ted's stories from the table at the foot of the kitchen, the sounds of video games and young men urging one another on from the sitting room, the baby crowing & gurgling in Gillian's arms as she sat on one of the island stools and over all the smell of a turkey getting itself done in the oven made the house seem like the home it hadn't felt like in longer than Caroline cared to remember. Not boring any longer.

The meal itself was a feast, with all of the dishes Caroline had prepared to accompany the turkey as well as favorite dishes of Gillian's family that she had brought. Finally all of the mealtime festivities complete, the elders, feeling the effects of the excitement of a wedding one day and Christmas the next, departed for Celia and Alan's flat for some quiet, and perhaps a nap before returning later for dessert. The young people endlessly fascinated by X-Box gathered in the sitting room leaving Caroline and Gillian in the kitchen with the lion's share of the clearing up to do.

They hadn't expected anything else and were content to chat as they worked in Caroline's kitchen. Gillian gathering dishes and loading the dishwasher, Caroline packing away the leftovers, making sandwiches for the inevitable hunger of the youngsters later in the evening and combining ingredients into a soup pot to serve at the Boxing Day brunch for everyone before they started off to their various destinations in the afternoon.

This being almost the first moment of peace when either woman had had a chance to think her own thoughts after the last 24 hours of life altering events for each of them, they were both quiet. Hands busy at routine tasks, minds free to begin processing recent developments.

Each was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that neither realized they had been working companionably together in silence for quite a while until a loud outburst of cheering and boos erupted from the sitting room causing them to look up and exchange a smile at the good times their children where having together.

"Thanks for inviting us to be here today Caroline. It would have been a very quiet day for us, home alone after the excitement of the wedding and all. Everything has been wonderful. You have such a lovely home," nodding at the modern kitchen, a stark contrast to her own.

"Oh," Caroline waved away the thanks. "I wasn't really looking forward to today. Wondered, in fact, how I was going to make Christmas festive for the boys given…" trailed off Caroline realizing what she was saying about herself, not that Gillian didn't already know all about this.

"Given how difficult you were still finding it to deal with life after Kate." Supplied Gillian gently.

Looking at Gillian briefly, head tilted and giving a small nod and a sad little smile, grateful for the understanding without having had to say the words.

Gillian, always the one most likely to say whatever came to mind, "And now that Kate came back last night?"

Caroline looked up then, studying the face of this woman with whom she had begun a friendship after the day, and fateful night, when the two of them had gone to find a venue for their parents wedding. The peals of laughter shared at the misunderstanding of their relationship by the hotel staff, followed by an evening of confidences had formed a bond between them. Since then, they had talked on the phone, met several times to continue the wedding preparations and there had been a few family gatherings, Raff's birthday at the farm, or an impromptu supper when Gillian came to visit Alan & Celia. Still, Caroline wasn't sure how far to trust Gillian. She had a habit of speaking and acting without forethought.

Her eyebrows disappearing into her fringe, Caroline made a wry face, "obviously I _am_ happy that she came back. We did talk a little last night," pausing to remember, then continuing, "there are conversations to be had before everything is sorted, but I think… I think, I _hope_ we can… Caroline stopped never having put her hopes for her future with Kate into actual words before. Did she want to share this with Gillian yet? It felt so uncertain in a way. Still, she had once promised Kate that she wouldn't be a coward about them again. "I think we can build the foundation for a family, my boys and Kate's child."

Gillian, for once considering her response before speaking, knowing how important this was to Caroline and how difficult it had been for her to say out loud. Also, not wanting to jeopardize their newfound friendship for more reasons than one, said "I'm happy for you Caroline. Happy for both of you. Kate will be lucky to have you." Looking then into Caroline's eyes, "I have come to know what a good friend you are Caroline. _I_ feel lucky to have you as a friend." Then stricken, "we are friends aren't we? It isn't just the family connection is it?"

Caroline placed the last sandwich in the plastic container and resting her hands on the island, assured her, "we are friends. I do value your friendship Gillian. One way and another I don't seem to have many friends. It has meant a lot to me these last months to know that you were in my corner." Exchanging genuine smiles of appreciation for one another, both women went back to the tasks at hand.

"Will Kate be joining us here today?" asked Gillian hoping she was not crossing a line with Caroline.

Yes, she had some family commitments of her own today. She and her Mum were going to visit Kate's Dad at the home where he lives. He has Alzheimer's, she explained. Then on to a family gathering this afternoon. She should be here around 6:30. I…" then going on bravely "I've invited her to spend the night."

At this Gillian's head came up, she looked at Caroline. Feeling Gillian's gaze upon her Caroline met her eyes, spine straight, shoulders down, chin forward. Daring Gillian to make an inappropriate comment, her voice demanding, "Whot?"

Putting an overly innocent look upon her face Gillian responded "Me? Nothing. Nothing at all." Wondering to herself about what Celia's reaction might be to this development but unwilling to bring it up with Caroline, Gillian returned to wiping down all the newly cleared spaces on the countertops.

Feeling that she had been the topic of conversation for long enough Caroline said, "so, you and Robbie?"

Gillian felt her face going hot. She had broken a promise to Caroline last night by asking Robbie to dance. Another impulsive gesture on her part now had her life spinning out of control, yet again. As a result of that dance, Robbie had broken off with Cheryl, driven her back to her home and returned to the hotel to spend the night with Gillian. Even though Robbie hadn't breakfasted with the wedding party due to his need to appear at the police station for back to back shifts today, Caroline had spotted their farewell in the hotel lobby as she came down early to breakfast with Kate.

Gillian, unsure yet how she felt about this reunion with Robbie in light of her history with his brother, yet so irresistibly drawn to him, had no idea what to say to Caroline. Finally turning her embarrassed face to her stepsister and friend she simply threw her hands up in a gesture of defeat. Hoping for some sign of sympathy at her predicament she scrutinized Caroline's face. What she found on her friend's expressive face was consternation, resignation and disapproval tinged with compassion. Speechless at the enormity of the implications for this relationship Caroline said only, "Gillian" in the tone one would use to an exasperating yet beloved toddler.

At this point the youngsters began straggling into the kitchen to replenish their beverages and time for personal conversation ended abruptly.

Shortly Alan, Celia and Ted returned to the group. Too keyed up with excitement to do more than doze and enjoy a period of quiet they began wondering what the rest of the family were getting up to. Not wishing to miss this happy family day they made the short trip through the garden into Caroline's back door. Finding Caroline, Gillian, Ellie and Roxy on stools at the kitchen island, the men fixed themselves fresh drinks and followed the boy's voices to the sitting room. Celia finding a cup of tea and an empty stool joined the women.

"Hi Celia" said Gillian, "we were just having a post mortem on the wedding. You and Dad were so lovely. Did you have a good time?"

"Oh, we had the best time. Thank you, Gillian and thank you, Caroline for putting on such a lovely do. We will never forget it." Celia's warm genuine smile included both of them. "Did you girls have a good time yesterday?," she said to the younger women." Conversation then turned to the guests and bringing Roxy and Ellie into the picture regarding the families on both sides and rehashing the events of the momentous day. Eventually, Gillian went upstairs to see to Emily Jane as she was waking from her nap. Seeing the two girls engaged in conversation. Caroline seized this opportunity to pull Celia into her study.

At the pace of events, Caroline and her Mum had had no chance for talk at all. Caroline was apprehensive about her mother's reaction to Kate's arrival this evening, now not far off and felt the best plan would be to give her a chance to air her feelings to Caroline privately rather than be presented with another fait accompli in front of the whole family.

Caroline knowing that interruptions were likely to occur at any moment took the bull by the horns and once they were both seated started by saying, "Mum, I know you haven't been very happy over my relationship with Kate…"

"Caroline," interrupted Celia, "I do love you, you know. I'm not blind. I've seen how deeply unhappy you have been since your relationship with Kate broke down. I know first hand what living with that kind of unhappiness can do to a woman." Taking Caroline's hands into her own she continued in a softer tone, "I don't want that for you. Do you think I like seeing you lonely and miserable?"

After a short pause, seeing the tears forming in Caroline's eyes, Celia continued, "This isn't the life I would have chosen for you. But you are a grown woman. You've been making life decisions for a long time now. I refrained from trying to influence you in your marriage to John," Caroline could hardly contain her incredulity at her mother's interpretation of her involvement in Caroline's marriage and put a tight control on her face, still hardly able to keep the shock out of her expression. While Celia continued, "given the farce of a marriage your father and I had. So, I think I should follow that same pattern in regard to your relationship with Kate."

Holding up her hands, "I can't promise to never offer my opinions but I will try harder to keep them to myself whenever… Well you know me, I can't keep completely silent. I _will_ do my best." Then ruefully, "I suspect Alan will be doing his part to keep me on the straight and narrow."

Caroline squeezed her mother's hands and smiling said, "I am relieved to hear you say this. I know it won't all be plain sailing but to know that you will _try_ means a lot to me. It will mean a lot to Kate too. I was afraid after hearing your comment on the dance floor that things might get rocky between us again."

"Oh, you _did_ hear that did you? I can't say I was happy to see your reunion taking place in public, no matter your… your orientation," faltered Celia, seeing the look on Caroline's face. Right, well, as I say I will try to be more circumspect." Seeing Caroline's expression relax, she asked, "have you worked things out then?"

Caroline, looking down for a moment then once again met her mother's eye and said, "Obviously, we haven't had time to talk everything through but based on preliminary conversation last night I think we will be able to…" Breaking off to consider exactly what to share with her mother, Caroline again reminded herself of her promise to Kate to be brave. "After we talk through everything that went wrong between us, I hope we can create a foundation to form a new family. Kate and I and the baby, along with the boys. I may as well be honest with you right now. That is my goal," Caroline said, her face challenging her mother to try to talk her out of it.

Celia, resignation on her face, replied, "you must do what you think is best." Then after a moment's reflection, "The baby. You didn't tell me about that, did you?" Celia accused. "Is that what went wrong between you?"

"Among other things," Caroline evaded knowing there wasn't time to get into this now. Accepting that her mother was not jumping for joy over Kate's return but gratified that she at least was willing to be tolerant Caroline rose from her chair saying, "there is just one more thing. Kate will be arriving shortly. I've invited her to spend the night."

Celia began, "With the whole house full of…" then broke off with a shrug. "You'll know best," she offered doubtfully as she opened the door to return to the kitchen and the rest of the family. Caroline followed, her expression changing from reproach at the beginning of her mother's sentence, to repressed amusement at the finish. Clearly her Mum was not convinced, but a start had been made to keeping Celia's attitudes from being too burdensome on the renewal of her relationship with Kate.

Kate arrived as promised between 6:30 and 7:00. After being warmly welcomed by all, especially Ted, everyone agreed that they thought they could find room for dessert now that their dinner had settled.

Kate finding it difficult to free herself from Ted's attentions as Caroline and Gillian started for the kitchen to set out the desserts looked her apologies at Caroline only to find the later grinning a silent 'I told you so' and waving her to never mind before rounding the corner.

In the kitchen, William and Roxy having also arrived to assist with the next round of feasting began emptying the dishwasher and gathering empty glasses and snack plates from around the house to begin reloading it. Caroline and Gillian were setting out the delicacies each had baked for this day. While both William and Roxy were occupied and unobserving, Gillian could not resist jibbing Caroline by elbowing her and mouthing 'baby' with eyes wide open and a smirk on her lips. Caroline smiled sheepishly, rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders and continued to cut the chocolate cake she had baked. Almost immediately she went to the door of the kitchen to call the group from the sitting room in so she would not to have to look at Gillian's grinning face again.

Xbox having finally palled, even upon the younger set, everyone remained in the kitchen at the table or on stools around the island, again discussing facets of the still interesting wedding happenings of the day before with the larger group. Kate, having separated herself from Ted who was now at the table below with Laurence and Raff, had seated herself at the counter where she saved a stool for Caroline who had stood assisting with the dessert until everyone was served. Content to be sitting this close to one another, brushing shoulders as they watched the happy family group, occasionally joining in to add to the conversation but mainly just enjoying the moment.

As they finished their dessert, Kate had taken Caroline's hand into her lap under cover of the counter and their position at the end near the window. Stroking it caressingly with soft fingers. The sensuousness of this ran through Caroline's body like a current. It took deliberate concentration to follow the thread of the general conversation as this continued. In time two of Kate's fingers began rubbing insistently and suggestively against her palm. About that time her mother's piping voice broke in sharply, "Caroline?" Seeing incomprehension on the face of her daughter she repeated impatiently, "Where did Marta say Susan was going to university next fall?" Caroline swallowed hard before supplying the answer and once her mother's sharp gaze turned back to the others, moved her hand to take Kate's and firmly press it onto her leg so she would have no chance to repeat this performance. Stealing a glance at Kate's face she saw the smug look there and pressed even more firmly on the hand beneath hers.

At last the elders once again feeling fatigued, said their good nights with hugging and kissing all around, until Caroline's brunch at 10:00 the next morning. Raff and Ellie went upstairs to settle Emily Jane for the night, promising to return shortly to view a movie the younger set had agreed to watch together before retiring.

William, Laurence and Roxy once again pitching in to follow directions from Caroline for putting the rooms to rights and making preparations for tomorrow's brunch. Gillian and Caroline stored away food and completed the refill of the dishwasher, not allowing Kate to help at all both agreeing that as a pregnant woman she should just rest. Surely the activities of the last two days would have been tiring enough for her.

Once the movie group was settled in the sitting room with Gillian who had elected to join them, Caroline and Kate said their good nights and started up the stairs. Caroline carrying Kate's overnight bag and supporting her lower back with her other hand.

**Alone Again**

Caroline closing the bedroom door leaned back against it exhaling deeply. After taking in the sight of Kate moving up the stairs, she found herself with feelings much like those she'd had that long ago day leaning against her office door with the lovely Kate before her.

Kate turning to look at Caroline, recognized an expression much like the one where Kate had found herself pinned against the office door by the full length of Caroline's urgent body. This thought caused her to stop breathing for a moment, before taking an extra breath to catch up. Kate wasn't sure she was up to a repeat of that experience tonight. Bone weariness had set in as she climbed the stairs. The emotions and angst of the last two days, actually the whole week since Celia had called her were taking their toll on her very pregnant body.

After Celia's cordial invitation to stay for the do following the wedding Kate had found that she could no longer banish thoughts of Caroline from her mind. She wondered at herself that she had agreed to play the piano for this wedding. How could she have let herself in for this after all of the weeks, months, she had so carefully shunned Caroline? Unbelievable.

Of course, she knew that Caroline showing up at the hospital the day of her big scare had broken through the wall of defense she had so carefully built around herself. The force field emanating from this compelling woman had breached that wall as if it had been made of playing cards. Kate had been taken by surprise at how easy it had been for Caroline to affect her so incredibly after all of the energy Kate had put into resisting the magnetic pull she felt for Caroline.

After the curt 'No. Thank you.' Caroline had received weeks before when she'd humbled herself to ask Kate for another chance, she'd gone and done this. Dropped whatever had been on her schedule for the afternoon to race to the hospital to be with her. The sheer magnanimity of it had embarrassed Kate.

Little that Caroline said or did was without import. Kate knew that Caroline's appearance at the hospital spoke volumes about the degree of her feelings for Kate. Who knew Caroline better than she did? She hadn't been the listening ear to Caroline during the months of her break down with John for nothing. Kate had learned so much more than had ever been said by this complex woman with such a consistent personality.

All last week after Celia's call, their whole affair had been replaying itself in her mind over and over, round and round. Unable to keep from facing her own fundamental role in the break down and owning up to her sins against Caroline she knew that her guilt would never be relieved until she could talk this out with Caroline. But talking with Caroline could never happen now unless she approached her to begin the conversation. She had rebuffed so many attempts by Caroline to begin again that Kate knew full well Caroline's pride and innate self respect would make it unlikely that she would ask Kate for another chance. Not after Kate had dropped her hand like a hot potato in the exam room, not after the dismissive 'thanks' on the sidewalk of the hospital as she walked away from Caroline yet again to go to her car.

Caroline, watching Kate, lost in thought, saw only tiredness and immediately crossed over, concern on her face. She placed the overnight bag on the foot of the bed where it would be easy for Kate to reach. Turning to Kate, pressed her gently onto the edge of the bed. Kneeling, she bent and removed the shoes from Kate's swollen feet. From her kneeling position, sitting on her heels, Caroline smiled gently into Kate's tired face, saying softly, "lets get some rest, shall we?"

Kate nodded, unable to take her eyes from the upturned loveliness of the countenance before her. The makeup applied so carefully this morning, now worn to the point where the underlying freckles were charmingly visible, made Caroline look much younger than her 46 years. The back of Kate's fingers found their way caressingly to Caroline's cheek. Caroline closed her eyes and pressed her face against these fingers she had so often longed to feel there again. Leaning in and placing her hands on either side of Kate's stomach, Caroline lightly rested her head against the baby bump. Kissing it, then looking up to find Kate's face surprisingly close, lips so long estranged found one another as if for the first time. The kisses were brief and timid at first. Gradually, as they deepened, Caroline straightened to her full kneeling height to gain a better position for conveying her ardor. Finally, cheeks again pressed together instead of lips, both women panting, Caroline whispered regretfully into Kate's ear, "this won't get you the rest you need.

Rising, she opened Kate's bag with a meaningful glance at Kate and went around the bed to begin turning it down, saying, "pillows seem to be at a premium around here tonight, you may need to use me as a back pillow."

"It seemed to work fine last night," leered Kate catching Caroline's eye as she came back to this side of the bed.

"Hmmm" smiled Caroline moving out of reach of Kate's outreached hand. "Bathroom first or will you change first?" she asked.

While Kate changed, Caroline took her turn in the bathroom, emerging in her pajamas. With a houseful of guests, Caroline had no wish to find herself scantily clad in the event of a middle of a night emergency. While Kate took her turn in the bathroom, Caroline found a cushion the right size for Kate to place between her knees to relieve the strain of sleeping on her side, and put it on the side of the bed closest to the loo before going around to get in on the other side.

"You are very thoughtful" smiled Kate returning to climb into the bed with Caroline.

"I remember very well this stage of pregnancy," replied Caroline watching Kate settle next to her. Allowing herself one more kiss for the night Caroline gently but firmly pushed Kate over onto her side, knowing her preferred sleep position and wedged herself against Kate's back to provide the promised support, saying, "pregnant women need plenty of sleep." Then mischievously, " especially at 42." Receiving a jab of the elbow and an indignant "Hey" from Kate, Caroline laughed out loud at having successfully broken the sexual tension between them so they could fall asleep tonight. Kate wasn't the only one exhausted from the emotions of the last two days.


	5. Chapter 5

**Boxing Day**

This morning it was Kate who woke first, her full bladder having roused her very early. Probably only because it was so early and Caroline was sleeping deeply, Kate was able to slip away and return to the bed without wakening her beloved. Settling in as close as she dared in an effort not to wake the sleeper, Kate lay so that she could take in all of the loveliness, which was a sleeping Caroline.

Seeing the Mona Lisa smile, Kate mused that even asleep there was no end to the expressiveness of this face. Long a student of the kaleidoscopic array of expressions which crossed these fabulous features at a staggering pace, Kate had often found herself marveling that use of all the same facial bits could produce such an infinite variety of looks and convey such a range of thought and emotion.

Kate had been taken with Caroline from the day they met, the first interview she'd had with her. Being keen to get the teaching position at this prestigious school, Kate had closely watched the face of her interviewer to gauge how to make the best impression on this intelligent, striking woman with the deep blue eyes which missed nothing. Later, working at the school there were plenty of opportunities for observing Caroline as she led assemblies and staff meetings, interacted with students, staff and parents. She'd learned to be careful in these observations having been given scrutinizing looks on occasion by co-workers who had been speaking to her while she was thus employed.

So, she had been cataloging and collecting 'Caroline Faces,' as she called them to herself, for quite some time. The thing was though; she really couldn't catalog them could she? There were simply too many and even when she managed to recognize an expression as one she had seen before, because the lighting was not the same or the hair worn differently, the head tilted another way she really couldn't make herself believe that it _was_ the same expression. Realizing how school-girlish this was, Kate didn't care. Studying Caroline in all her infinite variety was something that Kate never intended to give up.

Resisting again the impulse to touch the skin and hair so temptingly close, Kate contented herself with further inventory of the exquisite form beside her in the bed. The white gold hair had become for Kate a barometer of Caroline's emotions and state of mind. When Caroline was feeling low or tired or had had a bad day, it seemed to Kate that her hair was straighter, lanky, and lackluster. On days when things were going well for her, when she was happy, Caroline's hair tended to flip up, bounce when she walked, if Caroline was in high spirits, her hair would seem to take on a life of its own, literally flying out behind her, buoyant, shimmering in the available light. This bright head, on a frame taller than average for a woman, was what allowed Kate to so easily pick Caroline out of a crowd.

Kate's gaze traveled from the bright hair again to the face she found so fascinating. Strictly speaking this face should not be as beautiful as it was. Well, it wasn't beautiful in the classic sense but somehow the sum of its parts combined magically with the persona of its owner to form a uniquely engaging appearance. Kate wasn't the only one who thought this. Men and boys alike, not excepting Caroline's sons, visibly responded to the femininity of this enchanting tall blonde woman. They stood up straighter, were more attentive and alert than before Caroline Elliot entered the room.

Women too put their best foot forward when encountering Caroline, instinctively understanding that the bar was raised in her presence. Not only by her immaculate attire but by her amazing eyes which took in every detail and could pin a person in place making them feel that nothing they knew could be kept secret if this woman took the trouble to search them for it.

Caroline in motion was an arresting sight. There was something truly fascinating in the way she carried herself. It was more than the spike heels and the pencil skirts that she wore. Kate had seen men and women turn to give Caroline a second look as she walked across campus or down the corridor. On Parents Nights, crowds literally parted to give her passage, closing behind her as people moved to get a better view of her retreating form. Caroline herself of course was oblivious to all of this. If mentioned, she would wave it away as imagination and this only made her all the more attractive to Kate.

Often the most intelligent person in the room, Caroline had a talent for sharing her visions and engaging support for her projects in such a way that people almost thought the idea had been their own. Seemingly without conscious thought Caroline used to good effect a subtle charm and charisma to bring people into collaboration with her plans. Her capacities to see people and situations clearly and envision ways to improve them were what had made her so successful as a school administrator. Dr. Caroline Elliot had been the driving force for bringing Sulgrave Heath out of its fossil-like past and fully into the 21st century in seven short years. With natural integrity and a fine sense of fairness she wielded her authority in the school and at home with grace, always with the greater good of all as a goal never stinting with her own energy and drive.

Kate herself had more often than she cared to admit been charmed by Caroline's charisma. Even being quite aware of Caroline's powers of persuasion she had allowed herself to be convinced that Caroline's way was the best way. Following Caroline against her own better judgment had been one of the ways they had run into trouble in their budding relationship. Very often Caroline did have the best plan but not always. Kate knew she must discipline herself from now on to think clearly on her own and be willing to present alternative views for Caroline's consideration, defend these views vigorously if necessary. They needed to learn to talk through decisions together.

This determined, her scrutiny moved admiringly down the long slender neck, peppered lightly with adorable freckles. Kate had often studied the cords and muscles in Caroline's throat fascinated by the way they worked in conjunction with the mobile face to convey nuances of emotion. In moments of tranquil intimacy Kate loved to trace these vertical lines down to the exquisite collarbone and back again making delicious shivers run through Caroline's body.

Suddenly, Kate could feel an energy shift and knew she would look up to find blue eyes on her. With some trepidation, Kate moved her gaze up to find amused eyes looking out from under raised brows. "Miss McKenzie, were you undressing me with your eyes?" then peering down over glasses that were not there, "Again?"

Kate, embarrassed to be caught at it by Caroline once more, put on a cheeky look, replying, "I was trying not to wake you. I had to occupy myself somehow, didn't I?" At the same time she moved closer entwining her legs with Caroline's, just as Caroline's knee gently came into suggestive contact with Kate's taut underbelly, eliciting a sharp intake of breath. At the same time, they heard a cry of outrage from Emily Jane in the next room.

Making eye contact and seeing the amorousness fading from the other face as it was from her own by the sound of a baby crying, both burst into laughter that they quickly stifled. "I suppose that is something we will become accustomed to before long." Caroline said tenderly, fingers pushing back a lock of Kate's hair.

Kate, melted chocolate eyes scanning soft blue ones trying to read if this tone spoke the whole truth asked, "Will you mind terribly?"

"Well, at moments like _this_ I might have to complain, at least a little," she continued to tease. Then, seeing the seriousness in Kate's expression Caroline quickly changed her demeanor to match. "Actually, I am getting eager to have a turn carrying her." As Kate's face softened Caroline added, "I fell in love with her, you know, right there on the screen that day. Been thinking about her ever since."

"Have you? You never told me."

Giving Kate an imitation of Laurence's 'Duh!' face, then quickly, tenderly, "We've hardly had time have we?"

Hearing a door slam down the hall, Caroline kissed Kate on the nose saying as she rolled directly out of the bed onto her feet "Right, there's me going into 'hostess mode' again, for a few more hours." Then looking decidedly happier, "Once we see Laurence off on the bus it will be just the two of us."

Kate rolled onto her back so that she could watch Caroline select underclothes, jeans and a casual top to take with her to put on after her shower. Watching until the tousled head disappeared behind the closed door she curled up again, facing the door through which Caroline would reappear, thinking how glad she was to once again be in such intimate proximity with the woman she loved.

Caroline entered her kitchen to find Gillian with a newspaper dissected and scattered over the entire window end of the island, enjoying tea and toast with her morning news. Gillian, seeing that Caroline had stopped short, quickly began reassembling the paper saying, "Morning. Cup of tea?"

Caroline was unaccustomed to being offered tea in her own kitchen, but nevertheless, simply nodded. "You're up early," Caroline observed.

"Farmer's habit. Can't seem to sleep past sunrise, winter or summer," said Gillian placing a cup of tea on the island for Caroline.

Sipping her tea with a grateful nod to Gillian then moving to the refrigerator, "I'm going to put the soup on to heat and get this kedgeree into the oven."

"What can I do to help?" enquired Gillian.

"Empty the dishwasher?" Seeing Gillian moving immediately to her task continued, "We'll need most of it again for brunch. You can lay it out buffet style as we did yesterday."

Both women went to work companionably, Gillian asked, "So, Kate's pregnancy. Everything going OK?"

Caroline looking up quickly, "Why?"

"I didn't mean to be nosy. Just that at this stage of life pregnancy can be more difficult."

"No, no, course. It's just that she did have something of a scare recently. Some bleeding, but it turned out to be OK. She tells me she is fine. She does tire easily. Sees the doctor again next week." Caroline hesitated, then, busily chopping fruit for a salad, went on to say, "I've offered to go to the doctor with her."

Gillian glanced up then returned to her work, "You'll be raising the child together?"

Caroline stopped chopping and gazing off sightlessly, "yes, it appears so, " she said wonderingly.

Gillian hearing the tone and seeing the expression on Caroline's face had a pang of envy. Not that she wasn't pleased for her friend, but seeing Caroline so happy yesterday with Kate had only pointed up the difficulties in her own situation. Pushing past this, her face softening, "Yes, there are rewards to having a baby in the house again. You kind of forget just how adorable they are when they are little."

"Yes," agreed Caroline, "Emily Jane is quite lovely."

"Did I hear her earlier?" inquired the grandmother.

"Yes, but I think she must have settled again." Both women had returned to preparing brunch for their families.

"So, Mum and Alan and Ted are off to yours tomorrow?"

"Yes, they will be spending at least one night on the farm, maybe two while they plan their 'old home week' pilgrimage to the haunts of their youth" smiled Gillian. "Ted was hardly on the place last week before I brought him over here. He wants a look around. Robbie will be rested from his double shift in time to join us for dinner." Gillian froze, horrified at what she had admitted to Caroline.

"Robbie." A statement. Caroline remembered, Gillian and Robbie on the dance floor at the wedding. Fixing Gillian with an intense expression not unlike the one she'd given when they'd discussed Robbie in the hotel car park last fall when they had gone to retrieve Caroline's telephone and Gillian had promised to move on beyond Robbie with her life.

Gillian managing to look both guilty and defiant at the same time said, "If it were you and Kate? Would you? Could you 'just move on'?"

Caroline opened her mouth to speak, then, closed it. If her situation were the same as Gillian's, _would_ she have been able to resist taking Kate's hand at the wedding dance? Her native sense of fairness kicked in and her expression and body language changed to helpless resignation. With heart felt intensity she said only, "Gillian, please be careful."

Gillian nodded, meeting Caroline's eye, grateful for the understanding. She realized that she had often underestimated Caroline. Had only been willing to see the façade of successful Head Mistress rather than the woman Caroline really was. After all, Caroline had forgiven her for sleeping with John who _was_ still Caroline's husband at the time, facilitated a reconciliation between Celia and herself and thus between her and her Dad and had been amazing after Gillian had dumped her burden of guilt about Eddie onto her. Caroline truly was a friend. Gillian hadn't had many women friends in her life. Finding herself with a lump in her throat, holding back tears Gillian quickly turned to the sink, rinsing the dishes accumulating there.

By this time it was 8:30 and the sounds of young humanity stirring above stairs could be clearly heard in the kitchen. Raff came in carrying Emily Jane, kissed his Mum on the cheek and handed over the baby saying, "Mum, can you feed her while I take my turn in the shower?" Gillian opened her mouth to ask where Ellie was, thought better of it and simply nodded, nuzzling the warm cheek still flushed from sleep.

Kate had followed Raff down the stairs and moved toward where Caroline was finishing her fruit salad preparation. Seeing Kate, she put down her knife and held out one arm to pull Kate in for a quick kiss of greeting. With her arm still around Kate, Caroline looked across at Gillian, defying her to smirk or make a comment and asked if the fresh pot of tea was ready yet.

At Gillian's nod, Kate giving Caroline a squeeze moved around the island offering to hold the baby while Gillian prepared the little one's breakfast. Seated on a stool Kate took Emily Jane on her lap, they had made good friends last evening during the Christmas festivities. Gillian, seeing that Calamity was content, first placed a cup of tea within reach of Kate before moving on to the baby's breakfast. It wasn't long before the group from next door joined them and the youngsters, one by one descended and Boxing Day was in full swing.

By 11:30 the Greenwoods were packing their belongings into the back of the Land Rover and heading off for the farm with warm thanks for a wonderful Christmas. The boys promised themselves to get together again during the holidays before William had to return to university.

William and Roxy went in from waving the Greenwoods off to bring down their luggage as Kate had offered to drive them to the station to catch the train for Liverpool. They were to spend the weekend with Roxy's family since she had spent Christmas Eve and day with the Elliot's. Laurence would have headed off to the flat with Alan and Ted to watch the game had his mother not asked if he were fully packed for his trip with the school rugby team. Receiving a negative reply, he was sent up to complete this task before joining the men until it was time to leave.

Celia and Caroline returned to the kitchen for a peaceful cup of tea before they each went to pack for their own weekend. As the Greenwoods had been gathering their things, William and Laurence had done a fine job of returning extra chairs, games paraphernalia and DVDs to their normal storage places while Kate and Celia had wiped surfaces in the sitting room and gathered stray dishes from around the house into the dishwasher. Caroline had helped her departing guests find and pack all that they had brought with them. In short the house was more or less returned to its normal appearance. Once Caroline's weekly service put in a day at the house tomorrow, the linens would be changed, bathrooms would sparkle and the rest of the house would once again be spotless, ready for an impromptu showing by the estate agent and/or the family's return on Sunday.

Celia collapsed onto a stool at the island with a sigh, clearly still tired by the excitement of the week just passed. The merriment of family gathering for the wedding last week, final preparations and the wedding itself with Christmas the very next day had taken their toll on her.

Caroline, seeing her fatigue, wondered out loud whether the trip to the farm tomorrow was the best idea for her, let alone Alan with his heart condition. Celia thought it would be fine, the three of them planned to simply rest today, watching TV or napping as the spirit moved them. "You've given me enough leftovers that I won't need to cook. We'll be ready for more adventures by tomorrow."

Caroline still unconvinced told her, "Gillian will understand if you put off your visit by another day if any one of you is not feeling up to the trip yet tomorrow. I hope you won't push yourselves. She wouldn't want anything to happen to any of you either, you know."

"No, no, I know," replied Celia, "we'll see how we feel tomorrow." Then looking speculatively at Caroline. "So your spending the weekend at Kate's while the boys are away?"

"Yes, we've barely had a moment to talk since," Caroline paused looking into her tea briefly then into her mother's eyes and continuing, "since Tuesday night. There are things to discuss."

Celia, scrutinizing Caroline's face finally said evenly, "so, you _are_ getting back together?"

Caroline having allowed her face to be searched remained composed looking back at her mother, "Yes, I think it is likely. I certainly hope so." Seeing how it was with Caroline, Celia finally looked down and took a sip of her tea. "Look, Mum, I know you aren't overjoyed about this. I _did_ hear what you said on the dance floor. 'I thought she'd gone' I also heard the tone of voice you used." Even though they had touched on this yesterday, Caroline knew she needed to make clear with her mother where she stood.

Celia had the grace to look embarrassed, "I was hoping you hadn't heard that. I thought maybe you hadn't." Seeing the doubtful look on Caroline's face she went on, "I think it was the surprise that made me say it." Then unable to keep censure from her voice, "And seeing you snogging like that, before everyone we know." Seeing that Caroline was about to break in, Celia held up a hand, "no, I think I would have felt much the same even if it had been a man that you behaved like that with. I didn't raise you to put on public displays like this. You know that."

Caroline hearing the earnestness in her mother's voice realized the truth of what she'd said about her upbringing and softened. "Mum, I am sorry that this is so hard for you, hard on you. I do love you, you know."

"I know you do." Celia allowed the deep love that she felt for this only child of hers to show on her face then. Caroline continued in a conciliatory tone, "It seems I don't know how to be happy without Kate."

"And the baby?" questioned Celia gently, not wishing to break this tender moment between them.

"She is a part of Kate now. I have to accept everything if we are going to move forward. We both have to accept all that comes with the other in order to build from here. That is part of what we need to discuss. Why we are taking a weekend apart, some time for ourselves the next few days."

Celia, continuing to regard Caroline lovingly said softly, "You've become an remarkable woman, you know." Seeing that Caroline was turning her head to discount this statement, Celia took her hand causing Caroline to look back at her mother. "You have a child and do your best to raise them, but the truth is that most of it is up to the child, who they become. I can't take credit for the intelligent, caring, woman that you are, so respected and successful in your career, a wonderful mother to your sons. I'm in awe of you, you know. I know, I don't say it to you, but I do think it more often than you might believe."

Caroline had her mother's hand in both of hers now. With tears rolling down her cheeks she reached over and pulled her mother into a hug. Finally, releasing her Mum a little she grinned cheekily and said, "You're only saying that because of my speech at the wedding."

Celia smiling and giving her daughter a playful swat on the backside as she sat up straight again said, "Aren't we a pair."

"A pair of what?" asked Kate smiling a greeting to Caroline as she came into the kitchen removing her gloves and coat.

Celia finishing her tea, smiled at Kate saying "Hello love" Then to Caroline "I imagine you have some packing of your own to do. I know you have to get Laurence over to school to catch the bus by 1:30. I heard him slip out the door to join Alan and Ted a few minutes ago. What time do you want me to send him over here?"

Both women stood up, "Twenty minutes should be about right." Caroline smiled into her mother's face before once again giving her a hug and saying, "I hope you will get really rested before you head off to the farm, all of you. Promise me?"

"I promise, we'll be fine," Celia said breezily as she started down the two steps toward the door. Turning back, she grinned and said impudently, "I won't even call you unless it is something dire."

Caroline, trying to suppress a grin said, "Well, you had better call me if it is something 'dire'."

Watching Celia out the door Caroline took Kate's hand pulling her toward the stairs saying, "Come, tell me about seeing William and Roxy off while I pack."

**Seeing Laurence Off**

Pulling onto the grounds of Sulgrave Heath School, they could see the charter bus parked, ready to pass through the tunnel of the main building. Caroline pulled into her usual parking space and Laurence jumped out immediately to get his gear from the back. Caroline meeting him there said, "You _are_ going to say bye to your old Mum before you go aren't you?" With an embarrassed grin, he took her into a quick tight bear hug, immediately releasing her, glad that his mother had parked some distance from the bus giving him this slight bit of privacy for good byes. Throwing a quick, bye Kate over his shoulder, he was off.

Caroline and Kate followed Laurence more slowly. Caroline said, "There is Tom Lincoln," of the head rugby coach, "I'll need to have a word with him." As she said this they approached a car being exited by Angus as quickly as Laurence had just left their car and witnessed a similar goodbye scene between him and his Mum. Seeing Felicity, Angus' mother, Kate stopped to chat as Caroline, greeting Felicity with a wave, continued on to speak to the coaching staff before departure.

"Hi Caroline," said the head coach having observed her and Kate walking from her car together. "Had a good Christmas?" as he looked back to where Kate stood talking with Felicity.

Caroline trying hard not to look as uncomfortable as she felt, said, "You don't miss much do you?"

"Can't afford to with this lot, Tom grinned, tipping his head to the group of boys boisterously loading their kit into the storage compartment of the bus. "Not exactly fresh news anyway is it?"

Caroline, trying to appear nonchalant but looking more worried than she knew, said only, "No, I guess not."

"It will be OK. Tom assured her.

This bear of a man, almost 10 years older than Caroline had been one of her staunch supporters from the beginning of her tenure at the school. It was still antiquated then and struggling to make ends meet. Caroline, full of excitement at the possibilities, was regularly shaking up the status quo. She had relied on Tom's good judgment often in the past; surely she could do so again. Smiling her thanks, she said only partly joking, "I'll hold you to that."

"Just let me know if you need any heads knocked together, I'm just the man to do it. You know that." Said half in jest, Tom was also offering his support. He had always admired Caroline and the way she had turned the school from imminent failure to its current reputation for excellence in education with an emphasis on technology to impart the skills to meet the challenges of the still new century. Tom hoped to retire from Sulgrave and now, with the school firmly in the black, as long as he held up his end of the bargain he reckoned he would be able to do so. All of this was due, in his view, to Caroline's achievements.

Just then, they were approached by Gavin, Chairman of the Board of Governors, also dropping off his son who was a member of the rugby team. "Good afternoon," said Gavin rather formally. "Well, Coach, are we going to win this tourney?" Meaning to be jovial, as so often happened with Gavin, he came across as patronizing more than anything else. Tom Lincoln, well used to Gavin and other parents who considered themselves quite successful in life and inclined to patronize him, said mildly, "We intend to try.

After a few more pleasantries were exchanged Coach Lincoln was called into conference by a mother who wanted to be sure that the Head Coach was fully informed about the special needs of her son. This left Caroline and Gavin watching the leave taking of the other families and inquiring politely about one another's Christmas. Caroline took this opportunity to let Gavin know that she would like to meet with him as soon after the holidays as possible. About that time Caroline heard her name called by Kate who had stopped a short distance away, saying as she turned to start back the way she had come, "Caroline, Felicity and I are going into the building for a few minutes, we won't be long. I'll meet you back at the car when you are ready, no hurry." Then, "Hi Gavin." And with a wave of her hand, "See you later, Caroline."

Turning from looking after Kate as she walked away, Caroline met Gavin's inquiring eyes under his raised eyebrows. Aware for certain now that Felicity had been accurate in telling her that rumors about herself and Kate had, in fact, made the rounds of Sulgrave Heath School, she said, "Surely Gavin this is not the first time you've been aware of my relationship with Kate."

Gavin returned pointedly, "It _is_ the first I am hearing of it from you. Is this what you wanted to discuss next week?"

Caroline did look embarrassed now, "Yes. In retrospect I realize that I should have talked with you about this last spring. Its just that everything was very tentative at the time and then we had a falling out and …" Caroline accustomed to being at least one to two steps ahead of Gavin in most discussions, decidedly, did not enjoy the position she had put herself in now. Continuing more strongly, "We are in process of working things out and beginning what I hope will be a permanent relationship."

Gavin, seeing a new side to Caroline, regarded her levelly for a moment then said, "You told me a year or so ago about your breakdown with John, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I am glad if you can be happy now. You deserve some happiness."

Caroline was surprised at these personal comments from Gavin, since their relationship had to this point been one strictly of business save the news she had felt bound to share with him about her break down with John, telling him only because she knew that it would become common knowledge around the school because of the boys. "Thank you Gavin, I appreciate that."

Seeing her surprise, Gavin went on to say, "My brother 'came out' as they say a few years ago. Bit of a surprise to the family, probably shouldn't have been but…" he shrugged. "He had someone he wanted to share his life with so he told us. We've all had our 'consciousness raised' as they used to say. It took some getting used to, especially for our parents but it's worked out pretty well now. Just all had Christmas together. I think everyone enjoyed themselves. It is good to see Bill so happy. They make each other happy." Seeing that Caroline was considering this and the implications for her and Kate went on to say, "I think you will find that once you get beyond the initial surprise things will become somewhat easier. Always the odd lout somewhere around, but over all." Amused that the usually responsive Caroline still had nothing to say, Gavin told her, "Have Beverly give my office a call when the term begins and we'll meet to discuss this further."

There was a cheer from the boys as the coaches called them to board the bus and Caroline and Gavin joined the general crowd of parents waving off their boys. As the bus moved into the passageway Gavin said goodbye to Caroline and they both turned toward their respective cars.

Caroline caught up with Kate and Felicity who had also been among the waving parents. As Felicity turned to open her car door she said, "see you later. Caroline, I'll give you a call" and promptly got in closing the car door.

Caroline totally taken aback at this farewell, stopped and looked questioningly at Kate who said, "I'll tell you in the car, it is freezing out here. Come on."

Once in the car and moving down the street, Caroline turned to Kate asking if she needed to stop at the market for anything. Assured that Kate's larder was well stocked, Caroline's thoughts went back to Felicity's promise to call Caroline. "So, why is Felicity going to call me?"

Kate looking somewhat abashed said, "this feels a little weird."

Caroline wondering what else was coming at her, said resignedly, "Well, it has been a weird afternoon all way round, go ahead." Seeing Kate's questioning look, in reply responded before she could ask, "I'll tell you later, go ahead. Felicity…" she prompted.

We got talking and she told me briefly about Angus' dad and how you had shared with her a little of your experience with John and how helpful it had been to her and how glad she was that you had talked together." Watching Caroline's still bewildered face, Kate went on in a rush, "So later when she said that she would like to have us over for dinner sometime, I thought you wouldn't mind and she seemed so lonely that I said yes, we would like that. Is that? Is that alright?" Seeing Caroline's blank expression she went on nervously, "sorry if you do mind, it was so unexpected that I didn't have time to think and I hope…"

"No, no, its fine. Its fine." Caroline, not wanting Kate to be upset interrupted. "I just…" shaking her head slightly to clear it said. "Wow!"

Kate concerned anew asked, "Whot? Whot is it?" not receiving an immediate reply from Caroline, she went on, "What else happened that was weird? Are you alright Caroline?"

Caroline finally processing events a little looked over at Kate and started laughing. Prompting Kate to say again, "Whot?"

Caroline, continued to chuckle and with her eyebrows lifted well up under her fringe and an incredulous look on her face said, "Things have moved so quickly in the last 48 hours that I'm going to need some time to catch up with it all."

"Fortunately we have until Sunday afternoon. Hopefully, with no interruptions," smiled Kate placing a hand on Caroline's leg. Seeing the smiling glance that this gesture brought to Caroline's face, she left her hand there as Caroline told her of the conversations that she'd had with both Tom and Gavin.

"So, with these two behind me at Sulgrave Heath, I find that I am feeling a little better about things at school," finished Caroline as the car pulled up to a stop at Kate's house. Shutting off the car, Caroline took Kate's hand into hers and smiled into her eyes before they both squeezed and released the hand of the other. Opening the back seat door Caroline took out both her own and Kate's suitcases, having stowed them behind her seat to keep them safe from the pile of gear Laurence had stowed in the boot.

As she did this Kate greeted an elderly man with a cane walking toward them, "Hi, Mr. Field."

The slightly stooped, white haired man nodded to Kate before stopping and looking Caroline up and down, saying gravely, "I liked your green dress," an obvious reference to her performance of the day before, when she had given an eyeful of 'Caroline in motion', not only to Kate and the passing car of boys but apparently to the neighbors as well. Having said this he proceeded past them without another word or a backward glance. After a moment of surprised silence, Caroline's jaw dropped as she gazed after her admirer. As she closed her mouth she turned to look at Kate who was working hard to suppress the laughter that now burst out of control when Caroline's eyes met hers.

By this time both women were moving up the path toward the house. Kate walking a little sideways so that she could keep Caroline's face in view, continuing to laugh as she saw Caroline's immediate reaction of resentment at Kate's laughter change to embarrassed amusement at herself before she joined Kate's hysterics.

Both moving more quickly now as they realized they were likely giving unseen neighbors another show, Kate unlocked the door and they collapsed into further giggles as Caroline shut the door with her backside and dropped the bags she had been carrying. Holding on to one another for support they moved into the room, Kate handing a box of tissues to Caroline and taking one herself as they both had tears of laughter running down their faces.

Seating themselves on the sofa and eventually calming down, Caroline said, "I have never laughed so hard or so often with anyone else in my life." Then remembering the incident at the hotel, when the staff thought that she and Gillian were the ones getting married, told the story to Kate causing them to go into another fit of laughter.

Finally, calming, Caroline once again wiping tears from the corner of her eyes saw Kate stifling a yawn and immediately went into protector mode. "Right, I intended to send you off for a nap the moment we got in and here it is 3:00 already. That's OK, still time to get in a nap this afternoon" as she pulled a reluctant Kate by the hand to her feet. No, no, you told me yourself the doctor wants you to get plenty of rest, come on," as she gently pushed Kate toward the stairs then turned back to pick up the two suitcases.

Kate's expression brightened visibly at the sight of Caroline starting up after her. Caroline noticed this and warned in her best mother voice, I am only bringing these up and seeing that you are tucked in before I go back down." Setting Kate's bag on a convenient chair where she could reach into it without strain she turned to find Kate with a pleading face standing next to her. Caroline, hands on Kate's arms above the elbow guided her back against the side of the bed until she sat down and once again Caroline knelt to take off Kate's shoes.

Kate touching Caroline's hair, shining in the late afternoon sun, pulling strands through her fingers as she had liked to do in that long ago time when briefly she'd had license to touch the woman she'd daydreamed over for so long. Marveling at her own ability to have thrown away that right in spite of the white hot desire, which had never left her for this magnificent, maddening, splendid woman called Caroline. "Aren't you afraid I'll get accustomed to all of this personal service?"

Caroline had been reveling in the sensations that Kate's fingers in her hair had been producing, all the while her hands remained at their task. Looking up, her head tilted slightly, she allowed all the love for Kate that she had held in for so many months to show, Caroline almost whispered, "I want you to get used to letting me take care of you. I hope you _will_ let me. Maybe I've been on the internet too much but I am only too aware of the dangers of a late in life pregnancy."

Kneeling up so that her face was very close to Kate's and taking the smooth, rounded brown cheeks tenderly between caressing fingers, Caroline whispered solemnly, "Kate, if anything happened to you now, I don't think I could survive it." Swallowing to control the emotion that was swelling inside her and blinking back the tears, she softly and briefly pressed her lips to Kate's. "I couldn't." Then straightening her back, pulling her shoulders down and visibly taking control of herself again, Caroline placed her hands on Kate's knees to lever herself back to her feet. Briskly, "Right, I'll leave you to get comfortable and rest. I'll take my book and stretch out on the sofa for a while." With a self-deprecating smile, "After the last few days I might even fall asleep myself." So saying she pursed her lips toward Kate as if kissing her once again and slipped out the door closing it softly behind her.

Caroline returning to the warmth and serenity of the room below, so reflective of these same qualities in its owner, settled herself on the sofa with a soft throw that she had spied folded over one of the armchairs. Setting her phone to a quiet setting so any incoming texts from one of the boys or her mother or more unlikely a call from Tom Lincoln to get her advice on something unusual which could always come up on one of these outings would not disturb Kate.

Opening her book, she did not immediately look at it. Instead her gaze rested upon the armchair before the front window. The chair where she had perched during her, all too short, visit to Kate following Laurence's overnight stay here. The memory of her time in this chair made her stomach clench as if she were once again sitting there struggling to find the right words to make an apology for all that she had gotten wrong.

Obviously, she had not found the right words. Maybe there hadn't been any right words but Caroline couldn't help feeling that this was just one more thing that she had mucked up. Why had she been able to produce only tame language that didn't come close to expressing the depth of her feeling? She should have been able to find the words to convey her profound regret, the cavernous emptiness that was her life without Kate and the overwhelming love and devotion she felt toward her. For this failing she had paid with three more months of purgatory, seeing Kate almost daily, unwelcome to even speak to her without a bona fide business reason or risk being frozen out again. In her delicate emotional state, she had no longer been able to risk such attempts.

Thinking back to the start of the coldness she wondered not for the first time how the Kate who by word and action had found Caroline so lovable and irresistible could be the same person who so suddenly, pitilessly, and seemingly without regret had cut Caroline to the quick with words chosen so aptly to wound in the places she knew they would do the most damage. Then, to add insult to injury, Kate had, within the space of 24 hours, gone from claiming to love Caroline to the point of "doing anything for her" to getting into bed with an old flame.

Had Kate really despaired of their relationship and its potential to grow? Was it her desperation to have a child that overrode her feelings for Caroline? Did that justify Kate throwing her down? In fairness she hadn't expected to just run back to Caroline after the deed was done. Kate had supposed that this would be the end of their affair. She had only come back after all this time because she couldn't resist the feelings that hadn't dissipated over time. And she'd had reason to believe that Caroline had similar feelings and wasn't getting on with her life any better than Kate was. Still, if they had been a heterosexual couple would expectations have been different following one partner sleeping with an old flame to get pregnant? Did any of this matter in the face of the overwhelming attraction that they had for one another? Could she really forget? Get the mental image of Kate in bed with Greg erased from her brain?

But the joy of being with Kate again after such a long time bubbled to the surface, like a spring in the midst of drought, covering the dry cracked surface of her soul. Kate's sparkling eyes, her tender smiling mouth, soft warm lips…

Caroline was wakened by the soft chirping of her phone, it was William sending a text to say that he and Roxy had arrived safely. Her parents were warm and welcoming and they were about to go into yet another Christmas feast. It was typical of thoughtful William, informing her of his movements so that she wouldn't worry. Undoubtedly, Laurence and the other boys would be instructed to contact parents before long so Caroline knew her phone would chirp again soon.

Her phone told her that it was almost 4:00pm. It was darkening outside, no telling how long she had ruminated once again on the old topic and how long she had slept but found that she was feeling alright. Naps often made her groggy and she usually avoided them for this reason.

Caroline, on her way to the kitchen to make a pot of tea, heard a step on the stair and turned to find Kate looking fresh and tidy in loose fitting, comfortable clothes. Smiling sheepishly at Caroline she said, "I never thought I would sleep so long. Have you been bored?"

No, just woken by a text from William saying he's arrived. I doubt that I went to sleep as quickly as you though. Want some tea?" as they made their way into Kate's galley kitchen.

"I'm starving, didn't you bring some of the soup that was left from this morning?

"Yep, and some fruit salad and enough turkey to make us each a sandwich, if you like." answered Caroline going to the fridge, perfectly willing to make herself at home in Kate's kitchen as she watched the pregnant woman sink immediately onto a kitchen stool.

At the table, over their light meal the two women could not talk fast enough to bring one another up to date on the incidents of their lives since they last been on good enough terms to share the minutia of life with one another. Constantly breaking in, apologizing, then hurrying on to tell the imperative story, they alternately laughed or commiserated as the situation demanded.

Once the kitchen was put to rights again, they made themselves comfortable on the sofa and found they were oddly silent. Normally when they sat here together they started out close. This time each had taken an end and sat facing the other. Kate raised grave eyes to Caroline's, and began "Caroline, I know I have hurt you terribly. This is the first chance we've had to really talk. I need to tell you some things. Will you hear me out?"

Caroline knowing that they needed to start this process still dreaded it. Was afraid that it might tear them apart again. Everything felt so fragile. Still, putting if off wouldn't help. She nodded.

Kate who had rehearsed this so many times in her mind still struggled to begin. Finally, "Caroline there was so much going on in both of our lives last spring. Maybe it would have been more surprising if we hadn't run into trouble. I don't say that to excuse either of us, just to point out that we were both stressed.

Looking into Caroline's face, Kate told her. "This was about you and me and how things were between us but it was also largely the baby issue with me. You need to know a little more of my history, I think, before you can understand how things were for me then."

"You know that I was married to Richard, that I lost four babies." Taking a deep breath and swallowing hard, "what you don't know about are the depressions that I went into after each one. They were horrible. _I_ was horrible." Whispering, "I treated poor Richard abominably." Smiling wanly, "He was always kind, not letting any of the cruel things I said matter, understanding that it was the depression talking." Sighing and looking at the ceiling, Kate closed her eyes and said, "of course, that only made me more angry, I couldn't figure out why he wasn't as furious as I was."

Seeing concern and sympathy in Caroline's face, "Anyway, after a while, with medication, I would get better and we would try again for a baby. Only to have the whole thing happen to us again." Taking another deep breath, Kate willed herself to go on. "Each time Richard was more and more reluctant to try again. Wanted us to adopt. Tried to talk me into it but there was something in me that insisted that I HAVE a child." With her head moving back and forth slowly Kate looked into herself, trying yet again to figure out this conundrum. "Maybe it is just the way I am wired? A genetic imperative of some kind? I don't understand it myself. I don't really expect you to understand it. Eventually, it was this that caused the break down of our marriage."

Raising her eyes once again to Caroline's, pleading for Caroline to believe her, "All I know is that when it comes to the subject of babies I can become... compulsive."

For the first time since Kate began, Caroline spoke, sympathy intertwined with pain in her voice as she said, "Kate." As so often happened with them, the look in Caroline's eyes accompanying this single syllable spoke volumes about the empathy Caroline had for Kate's state of mind.

Seeing that Caroline was with her, Kate was encouraged to go on. Closing her eyes again for moment, considering how to explain, "It was that day outside the assembly when we were talking about houses and I told you that I wanted a baby. Even though I saw the shock on your face, I knew I had to try to convince you. I was on autopilot through my classes that day. All I could think about was the possibility of having a baby. I'd been too afraid to start down that path alone. What if it all happened again? What if it wasn't just trying with Richard? What if it was _my_ fault and it happened again. What would happen to me without Richard to take care of me, see me through it all? But now I had you. I wouldn't be alone."

Seeing by Caroline's nod that she was grasping the situation, "So, by the time you and I were able to talk again, walking on the playing fields that afternoon, I was wired. I thought I had it all figured out. I knew that IVF could take months and months to work, maybe years. It was time I didn't have. As I told you Greg had always been at the back of my mind after I split with Richard."

Seeing the closed look that came to Caroline's face, Kate went on, "Greg. I broke up with him at uni because he was kind of a bore," Kate admitted. Don't get me wrong, he was smart and capable but when he was with me he was somehow always trying too hard. He was always ready to follow my lead, would do anything I asked. It might sound good to have a man at your beck and call but it got old very quickly, at least with Greg. So I broke up with him. But he was always there, cheerful, obliging, friendly. We were in the same larger group of friends, hence the Christmas cards and occasional emails. I knew he wasn't attached at the time this came up between you and me, and believed that if I asked, he would be willing to…" Once again unable to look Caroline in the eye, Kate watched the nervous fingers in her lap. I had reason to believe that if I asked Greg to do this for me it was likely he would agree.

Stealing a glance at the, frighteningly quiet woman across from her to find 'Dr. Elliot' once again regarding her levelly, ready to pounce on anything which didn't ring true, Kate went back to gazing into the fire. "When he called the very next day to say that he was passing through on his way south and asked to see me on my birthday, it seemed to be a sign that I should proceed with this _now_." Looking up, knowing that she would find skepticism written on the face of the scientist, who by training did not believe in 'signs', only facts in evidence. Seeing the blonde head inclined slightly, so piercing blue eyes could look over glasses that were not there, quickly added, "at least in the state I'd worked myself into by then it seemed to be an indication to move forward. So I brought the subject up with Greg on the phone, knowing it was premature. Knowing that you and I were not on the same page yet with this decision."

"I knew your lack of comment one way or the other at the end of the practice field had been a signal that you would be processing that conversation, not acquiescence, at least," pausing to steal a glance at Caroline, "not to the method. But the old desire to _have_ a baby had been rekindled in me. It wouldn't let go, had been fed by that conversation, just the fact that we had talked so openly together about it and you hadn't said no." Then more slowly, "Also, by having allowed myself to face the fact that time for having a baby really _was_ running out for me."

Wanting now, only to get it all out in the open Kate continued all in a rush, "Even when you told me on the couch that evening that you still had things to process, that you had reservations about the idea of my having sex with _anyone_ to get pregnant and even though I told you that I wasn't planning to do the deed that weekend, in the back of my mind I was quite aware of my cycle, the fact I was ovulating at the weekend. I hoped that I could change your mind and convince you by the then that we should just move forward since Greg was already there. Then we could just put that bit behind us."

The struggle to comprehend Kate' state of mind registered clearly on Caroline's face. She stood, crossing to the fireplace. One hand on the mantle, the other on her hip, weight on one leg Caroline looked unseeingly into a far corner of the room for a long moment, thinking, trying to process what Kate was telling her. Bringing her head down, she looked intently at Kate, saying incredulously, "So, this… desperation to have a baby was already becoming more important to you than I was?

Kate feeling the pressure of Caroline's narrowed eyes on her as well as the shame and guilt that she had carried for so long, once again closed her eyes trying to find the words to explain what happened next. Unable to keep the pleading tone from her voice, Kate went on "You have to keep in mind that this essential _need_ for a baby had taken hold of me. I was convinced that it had to be now. I was thinking of little else at the time but how to make this all come together." Rushing on again, "I thought that we would be checked in at the hotel early enough on Friday to have some time to ourselves before we had to go down to meet Greg. I wanted to sit with you, quietly, just the two of us. Try to explain one more time the urgency that wouldn't let go of me. Convince you that it would be best for both of us to just get this part out of the way so that we could move forward together without having to keep thinking of the sex part." Unable to face Caroline, Kate looked into her lap saying almost inaudibly, "That is how it seemed to me at the time. In my" pausing to glance up at Caroline, "_desperate_ state."

"Then, we got to the hotel and you had booked two separate rooms. Something inside me just went off. I was disappointed in you for doing this, for your inability to be with me openly even in front of people we didn't know and were unlikely to see again." Fixing Caroline with her direct gaze, Kate lifted her chin, "of course, that was the end of our 'quiet time'."

"On top of all the slights I had received from you Caroline over the course of the months that we became friends, then lovers it was just too much." Kate's pain and frustration came into her voice now, "I had been patient and understanding for as long as I could be. It never seemed to bring me any higher on your priority scale. You always seemed to be dealing with incoming flack, John, and Judith, your mother, everything came before me. Naturally, you had responsibilities to the boys, your job, there just wasn't time or place for me in your life. I realized this as I was dressing, after we checked in. Even this weekend when, in theory, we were going to spend time alone, just you and me, it had turned into separation. I just couldn't take anymore. Can you see that Caroline? I couldn't see how anything was ever going to change."

Caroline by this time had taken the armchair across from the sofa. Kate had been watching the emotions race across this expressive face, hurt and anger that Kate would consider being with Greg, consternation at booking two rooms, realization and accountability for the way she had treated Kate and the position she'd placed her in by not caring for her properly, meeting her needs, the guilt at taking Kate, her kindness and support for granted and not making her a high enough priority in her life. Caroline remained silent now, not really knowing what she could say in the face of this and too moved by her own shortcomings to speak, so she only nodded, her face and neck working to maintain her composure.

Seeing this Kate went on, still a little defiantly, "It felt like I had to protect _myself_ now. It became clear to me that I was wrong when I thought I needed you to be there for me when I had the baby. I realized that your strength and your support were there for everyone except me. So now, I had to think about what was good for me. For a change, what _I_ wanted.

Then in a softer tone, "I had made myself so available to you, dropped things in my life to be with you and I did not see you doing the same. No matter how many times I listened to you and your problems, no matter how supportive of you I was, it never seemed to occur to you to reciprocate. There was seldom time for us to really talk. Everything was going so fast and you and I hadn't had the time to become a couple, not really. That was clear when you booked two rooms for us. And finally, when I thought you were going to take time to focus on me, I found myself shunted to the side once again. You didn't _really_ want _me_. I had to face that. As much as it hurt, as much as I didn't want to face it, I knew that it was up to me to find a way forward. Alone. Again. So, I had to tell you, and I did, in the bar when I came downstairs.

Kate's face contorted with remembered pain, "the only thing, other than _you_, that was important to me was a baby. I had always wanted a baby. If I couldn't have you, I had to try for the baby. It felt like my last chance. I needed to seize this opportunity. Now. With Greg. So I did."

Caroline, sitting forward just a little, considering, hands on her lap much as they would have been placed on her desk had it been in front of her. Remembering that day in the bar, with that damnable waiter passing back and forth every chance he could invent, obviously eavesdropping on their row, Caroline would happily have throttled him at the time. At this thought the ghost of a smile crossed her lips, gone almost before it began. She thought that she had begun now to understand why none of her attempts to relieve the tension between herself and Kate that evening had worked. Looking up she saw Kate watching her intently, trying to read Caroline to know if this was making sense to her. Caroline, her heart in her eyes said simply, "Kate, I am so sorry."

Kate, not yet finished with her story, explained, "The coldness, not introducing you to Greg, ignoring you through dinner, letting you go back to your room alone, it was all part of that decision. I spent the night going over and over it all in my mind. I couldn't come to any other conclusion except that if I were going to have a baby, I would need to break off with you. I could barely take care of myself inside the 'rock 'em, sock 'em' world where you lived, let alone protect a baby there. That wasn't the life I wanted for my child. It had to be over between us. It seemed like it _was_ over between us, things had run their course. That part was very hard because I still loved you so much, I just couldn't live in your world anymore if there was going to be a baby and I knew I _had_ to try for that." Almost overcome now with emotion, Kate said very quietly, "Besides, I didn't think you would forgive me for going about it the way I felt I had to do that weekend."

Kate, watching Caroline through this explanation saw the truth of it hit home, saw her nod of understanding. "The next morning at the breakfast table when you withdrew the house from your quid pro quo for the baby I knew for certain what I had to do." Looking down now, "I know the things I said to you were hurtful. If I hadn't been so upset and disappointed in you I don't know if I could have said them."

Kate paused, remembering the things she had said to Caroline. Then looking into the pained blue eyes which were also remembering, she continued softly, "I knew that what you felt for me was real. What we had between us was so powerful, so special; I couldn't help but know that. I knew that you loved me, even if you never said the words, I knew that if I left any place for doubt in your mind about us that you would never let me go, that you would keep pursuing me and I didn't think I could resist you if you really tried. I knew that what I intended to do with Greg would devastate you but it seemed like my last best chance and I _had_ to take it. It seemed to me that if I let this chance at conceiving a baby pass, there might not be another chance. If I let this weekend go by without trying for a baby, I would never have a child. Never be somebody's Mum. I know that isn't rational, possibly not even true. But it felt like the truest thing I ever knew. Can you understand this at all?"

Caroline was leaning forward now, elbows on knees, intent, listening to Kate's description of these events that had loomed so large in her thoughts for all these months. Some of it, her own contributions she had come to realize on her own during those endless months of ruminations but Kate's pain and how it had hurt her to do what she had come to feel she must do were borne in on Caroline now. For her own callousness and self centered behavior to have pushed this naturally kind, serene and self possessed woman to these lengths. Caroline saw so clearly now how it had all seemed from Kate's point of view. Caroline had been pulling her in with one hand and pushing her away with the other, never really letting her in at all.

Her voice filled with remorse, Caroline began speaking slowly, earnestly, "Kate, I am so sorry. Believe it or not, I _have_ come to realize some of this in the time we've been apart." Looking down for a moment before she could go on, Caroline knew that she couldn't be any less forthright than Kate had been if she really wanted Kate back in her life. Afraid to be this open but more afraid of losing Kate again, Caroline looked directly into Kate's honest brown eyes and began determinedly, "I tried to apologize that time but my apology was as inept as everything else I did. There are things I should have said to you that day. I was so scared. I wanted you so much but I was so terrified of rejection that I couldn't bring myself to tell you how much I wanted you." Softly, "How much I love you, how much I need you." Gaining resolve, "I'm sorry for that and even more sorry for bringing you to the point that you felt there was no hope for us, that you had to dump me to have a life again."

Kate, her own face working now for control, "That day, the day you came here… I didn't believe that if I told you this that you could ever really get over the fact that I had gone to bed with Greg. I mean I knew that you knew it; I just didn't think you were being honest with yourself, Caroline. I really did have a baby by then to consider. I couldn't risk starting up with you again just to go back to the way things were, all uncertain and unsettled." Then ire rising, "I had just left your house where everything seemed the same."

Seeing Caroline nodding, considering her side of that day, Kate said regretfully, "No matter how much I wanted to take you into my arms and erase the pain from your face, I knew I didn't dare let myself. I knew it was no use, it would just all have to be done over again, sooner or later." Her face showing what it had cost her, Kate said in a barely audible voice, "So I watched you walk out my door and down the path like you had just lost your best friend. And I knew you had. So had I."

Caroline, remembering that day, feeling that day, wore an expression, which was much the same as the one she'd had then as she was sitting in the chair across the room. Kate seeing this now moved to kneel beside Caroline. She put her face near Caroline's, smoothed back the hair from her face with the backs of her fingers. With a forefinger she traced the downturn of Caroline's lips. Encouraged by being allowed these liberties, she said, "Caroline, I'm so sorry. It just seemed like the only way at the time."

Caroline gently put her arms around Kate pulling her in for a tender hug. For a long moment they just held each other, considering what had happened between them so may months ago that still felt like yesterday. Kate relieved to have gotten this much out, Caroline beginning to assimilate these revelations. Each of them was reveling in the nearness of the other at this moment.

The yawn that Kate could not stifle brought Caroline to herself. Pulling back and putting her forehead on Kate's she smiled gently and said, "Time for bed my love. That is enough for tonight." Placing her lips softly and briefly on Kate's, "All right?"

At Kate's smiling nod, they went around hand in hand turning off lights and checking locks before heading up the stairs.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thanks for all the kind words for Finding a Way Forward and Designing the Future. _

**Friday: Just Us**

Caroline waking before Kate, dressed casually for the day and went down to prepare breakfast. The evening before she had spied sausages and eggs and planned to add the last of the fruit salad from the day before to their breakfast. The smell of frying sausages must have wakened Kate almost immediately, as she shortly appeared, also dressed for the day. Caroline, looking up smiled a welcome and Kate moved to encircle her middle, kissing the cheek Caroline turned to her. "Mmmm, smells good." Then still leaning against Caroline, pressed her lips against the largest freckle in the side of the exposed irresistible neck. Inhaling deeply the scent of Caroline she exhaled "_You_ smell good," close enough to her ear to send an almost imperceptible wave of movement through the body in her arms. This in turn produced a sharp intake of breath in Kate whose lips were still beside Caroline's ear. Caroline swallowed and said "Kate," in a regretful tone. With a small squeeze Kate finally went to pour orange juice for each of them.

Caroline quickly scrambled the eggs and as the two women ate, they talked of the whereabouts and activities of Caroline's family and Kate's Mum. Kate told Caroline about a restaurant where she knew the owners and that it was one that Mrs. McKenzie enjoyed. She suggested it as the destination for the dinner Caroline had promised Kate's mother. Agreeing on this, Kate first called the restaurant to make the reservation, then her Mum to tell her what time she and Caroline would pick her up that evening.

As they were setting the kitchen to rights, Caroline turned to Kate and said softly, "tell me about your pregnancy?" At Kate's look of surprise, Caroline continued, regretful, "I just feel like I have missed so much." Then wistfully, "Tell me about when you first knew."

Kate perched on a stool by the counter and thought for a moment, "Of course, I was watching for the signs, I'd been through that part so many times. I knew how it would be with me. As the signs began, one by one, I started to get excited but I tried to stop myself, I knew… knew that I wouldn't begin to feel safe until after 12 weeks. I kept it to myself. No one but you would even dream that there would be such a possibility. I didn't even tell my Mum. She'd been through so much all of the other times, with me… Well, I didn't want to tell her until there a reasonable expectation that…"

Caroline, who had taken the stool across from Kate, nodded her understanding. She ran a forefinger from the tip of one of Kate's fingers up to her wrist and back down the next finger. Looking up, "Did you have morning sickness?" As Kate continued to talk, Caroline picked up one of Kate's hands, with thumb on one side of her palm and fingertips on the other began tracing each bone, divining tendon and sinew, vein and tissue moving systematically across to the gap between index finger and thumb.

"A little, usually, by the time I got to school it was under control." Kate looked out from under lashes, almost whispering, "The only person I wanted to tell, talk to, was you. But that was out of the question. The very thing I wanted most to talk with you about was the thing most impossible to discuss." After a deep breath, "Finally, the term ended. I thought it would get easier when I didn't have to see you every day. It wasn't. Everyday I wondered what you were doing. Thought about how it might have been if we were still together, what we might have found to do. What it would be like to have time together without the stress of work added to everything else. That combined with trying not to think about what might still happen with the baby almost drove me mad. I tried to keep busy, did a 'spring clean' here, then went to Mum's and did one there with her."

Looking at Caroline to see if her interest was flagging she found her paying close attention in spite of the fingers that had moved on to probe Kate's other hand, so she went on, "Later Mum and I took a week's holiday to the sea." Making a frowning face, "it rained about half the time, but there was a Canasta tournament in the dining room of the hotel where we stayed and we had a good enough time with the people there."

Caroline have completed her mapping of Kate's hands still held them gently between them on the counter. Moving stiffly from the hard stool, Kate pulled Caroline with her into the sitting room. "Not long after the fall term began, the first twelve weeks were up. As I told you, I was cautiously optimistic." Seating herself on one end of the sofa, Kate toed off her shoes and putting her feet on the cushion, covered them with the throw that Caroline had used the day before. "I told you before I told my Mum. Somehow, I felt I owed you that. Doesn't make sense, I know," said Kate as she watched Caroline take the armchair directly across from her again, watching as she also kicked off shoes and tucked her feet in beside the arm of the chair.

"I could see that day you were surprised, then getting upset. I couldn't make myself say anything personal to you. I hadn't come to terms with my own guilt yet. It was there but I worked hard at convincing myself that everything that went wrong between us was your fault." Kate had been looking at Caroline who was regarding her evenly, listening, comparing what she was hearing to her own memories of that day.

Seeing that Caroline wasn't going to speak, Kate continued with her monolog. "I waited, thinking that you might say something but you only ended the interview. I was pleased when you congratulated me, but there didn't seem to be anything more to say, so I went." Kate looked at Caroline, from under lashes, her head lowered slightly, "Not before I heard you gasp for breath as I closed the door. That hit me." Kate put her hand to her heart. Continuing softly, remembering, "The outer office was empty at the time and I just stood there wondering if I should go back in. But it felt too big by then, too much time had passed, so I just... left." Silent now, Kate looked at Caroline looking back at her, mouth downturned, hands clasping knees to her chest, obviously reliving the grief of that day and the days that followed.

Kate put her feet flat on the floor leaning forward, elbows on knees, hands in front of her, looking down for a long moment unable to bear seeing Caroline like this. She raised her eyes to find tears rolling down Caroline's cheeks, unchecked. "God, Caroline, this is almost as bad as living through it, isn't it?"

Then Caroline put her hands to her face to wipe away the tears, the cords of her neck showing the effort she made to control herself. Apologetically, "Sorry. Sorry." Then in a determined voice, "We have to do it. It has to be done if we are going to find a way forward." Urging Kate to resume her story, "So, you told your Mum then?"

Kate sat back, remembering that visit to her Mum's. "Yes, that weekend. She was teasing me about putting on weight. So, I told her that I was pregnant. She was quite surprised, shocked really. She had no reason to think that this was even a possibility." Kate looked down at her hands, a grave look on her face. "She was appalled. She didn't know whether to ask why or how first." With a sad smile Kate looked up at Caroline, "You don't know my mother well, but for her to be speechless is almost as difficult to picture as Celia speechless." Watching her nervous fingers picking at one another in her lap, Kate said, "that was one of the hardest things I think I have ever had to do. Explain this to my mother."

Brown eyes met acute blue ones still taking in everything, the words said and unsaid, the body language, the eyes and expressions of the narrator. "Almost as difficult as what I did to you, as hard at that may be for you to hear. Then, when I dumped you, my own hurt and disappointment fueled me. This time, I had to work to try to make my mother understand how I could have come to such a decision in light of my history."

At Caroline's questioning look, Kate resumed her story, " Mum was angry with me, for endangering my life with another pregnancy" watching Caroline, Kate saw her mouth open and a horrified look take over her features.

Unable to maintain silence now, "Kate! You never told me there was more than the usual danger to you. More than being 42 with a history of miscarriage, what is it? Tell me now," Caroline demanded.

Kate closed her eyes for a moment; she had known what she was in for but still was not prepared. "Caroline, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you everything. You weren't that keen on my getting pregnant with just the usual worries plus the two women raising a family thing at such an early stage of our relationship. I knew if I told you all of my history, you would never have agreed."

Caroline's expression registered her horror at the danger to Kate plus the recognition that she had been deceived by Kate. She willed herself to remain silent, waiting to be told the rest.

Taking a deep breath, Kate went on. "I told you how horrible I was to Richard after I lost the babies. I was also suicidal the last time. My mother and Richard were on round the clock watches over me. They even hired nurses to be there part of the time, it was all so exhausting for them. Richard found a psychologist for me, Dr. Simmons, she is very good. I've seen her off and on ever since. She prescribed medication to help me over the depression. That is why Richard refused to try for another baby. He feared for my life, my well being. Eventually, that took its toll on our marriage and we broke down."

Seeing Caroline's nod of understanding and another for her to continue, "I think my mother, in a certain way, was relieved when the marriage ended. I think she thought at least now the chance of another pregnancy was off the table. She was also disappointed, she liked Richard," shrugging, "why not, he really is a good person, and no one could have been better to me. It was me that drove him away. The ending of the marriage was my fault. It took me a long time to come to terms with that guilt, along with the actual loss of Richard and the support he provided, even when I was horrible to him, and of course, always, the loss of the babies."

At these revelations, Caroline grappled with her shock over the depth of the depression that Kate had experienced, then sorrow and sympathy for all that she had lost. Unable to keep her distance any longer she was once again on her knees in front of Kate, stroking her cheek, saying gently, "Oh Kate, I had no idea. You should have told me."

Kate, remorse writ large on her expression, only said softly in a regretful tone, "When would have been a good time for _that_ conversation, Caroline?"

Nodding vigorously, leaning in to kiss Kate's cheek and nodding again, Caroline conveyed her acknowledgement that there really never had been time for them to get this deeply personal with one another before.

So, I saw Dr. Simmons, she helped me work through the guilt, the loss of Richard and the babies. She told me that mentally, emotionally the loss of another child…" Stopping to take several deep breaths, "the loss of another child might prove too much for me and the outcome might not…" Looking into Caroline's eyes, pressing her lips together for a moment, "might not be as positive as the last time eventually worked out to be."

Caroline, stunned at these revelations, sat back on her heels, trying to assimilate all of this information about the woman she loved. These were serious issues with grave consequences if things went wrong. The scientist in her knew that there was so much more to know about this condition. Much that she would _need_ to know if she were to properly care for Kate. After a time her eyes came back into focus and she took in Kate's features and realized what a toll this was taking on Kate. "Anything else?"

"No. Except… yes, there is one more thing. Dr. Simmons told me that in a case like mine, there is the possibility that after delivering the baby, even if everything goes well and there are no problems, post partum depression could set in and might well be as devastating as…" looking very apologetic, "as if I had lost the baby."

"Oh Kate! You were willing to risk all of this to have a baby?" The alarm and dismay on Caroline's face as she was obviously trying to make sense of the whole thing, caused Kate to look away in embarrassment. She couldn't understand this thing that drove her, how could she explain it to Caroline? Caroline seeing what Kate was going through decided they had both had enough for the time being.

Rising quickly to her feet, she pulled Kate up as well. "Time for a break. Loo?" At Kate's nod, Caroline asked, "Are you alright?" Giving her a brave smile, Kate nodded again. Caroline moved aside for her to pass, watching as Kate moved up the stairs out of sight. Glad to be up and moving around again, Caroline paced the floor a few times and stopped to look out the window at the back garden with unseeing eyes.

What did this mean for Kate now? Was her pregnancy in more danger than Kate had let on? If she did lose the baby, what then? How would Kate react? Would she be suicidal again? If she delivered the child, would she be depressed, maybe even suicidal anyway? Trying to reconcile the sensible, practical Kate she knew with someone who could take such risks with her own life, Caroline failed. Would she herself be able to cope with these circumstances if they arose? So many questions and no answers.

Thinking about Kate living through what she had described to Caroline this morning. Then thinking about Kate living _with_ this knowledge, these fears everyday. How had she managed to look so calm, serene even? Caroline's brain felt overloaded with the knowledge she had gained since breakfast.

By this time, Kate was standing beside her, searching Caroline's face for clues to what she was thinking. Caroline, not really knowing yet herself could not let her in. Instead, she saw that the clock read almost 1:00. Hardly believing that the morning was gone, she suggested a light lunch followed by a walk since the sun was out and the breeze calm. Kate readily agreed, finding that she was hungry again in spite of the emotionalism of the morning. She also shared that her doctor had recommended light regular exercise as being in all ways a benefit to her.

After lunch, the two women, in scarves, gloves and warm winter coats set off to the local market to pick up a few things for tomorrow's meals. Within a short time they passed Mr. Field coming from the opposite direction. Once again, he solemnly looked Caroline up and down, greeted them as he passed and continued on his way without further comment. This time sobered by the morning they had just experienced, the two women simply exchanged grins rather than breaking into giggles as they may have done on another day. The sun and this bit of levity made them both feel better. They talked of the neighborhood and other inconsequential matters on the way to the market.

Returning, they walked quietly for a time, each considering what Kate had shared with Caroline this morning and what it might mean for the life they had only just begun to plan together. After a while, Caroline looked at Kate's profile for a moment before Kate turned her head. Still walking, Caroline said, "You never did tell me the rest of the conversation you had with your Mum. The day that you told her you were pregnant." Pausing to see Kate's reaction, Caroline saw her recognition of this oversight in light of overshadowing information to impart. She also saw the tiredness beginning to etch this face, which could never be anything but beloved to her. "Kate, I wouldn't ask now but we are meeting your Mum for dinner. It might be best for me to know before then."

Kate agreed, "No, no, you are right." Trying to remember where she had left off with that narrative Kate walked more slowly until she began again remembering her mother's anger at Kate's willingness to deliberately endanger her life again. Looking at Caroline "As a mother, you will probably understand my Mum being so angry with me. She told me that she could possibly have understood if I were married and the pregnancy somehow happened in spite of having taken the precautions any prudent couple would in light of my history and all of the complications involved with that. She simply could not believe that I had been foolish enough, to knowingly go to the lengths that apparently I had to become pregnant."

Embarrassed but determined to tell it all, Kate went on, "Mum seldom gets angry, even then, she is usually restrained in how she expresses it. That day she was beside herself. I know the reason was because she was so scared. Scared for me and what might happen whether the baby was delivered healthy or not."

Glancing at Caroline, Kate could see recognition of this on her face and the emphatic nod she gave Kate. "She asked why I would do this. I couldn't explain it to her any better than I did to you last night. She gave me a look that I hadn't gotten from her since I was a little girl. Like she didn't believe me, then I saw it change to trying to figure out how this _could_ be true. Finally, she just shook her head and said that she guessed in must all be part of the same sickness somehow." Stopping, she looked at Caroline who had taken another step before turning to look at Kate. "After that the anger left her and she stopped pacing the floor and slumped into a chair. I felt like I had stabbed her. I guess I did on an emotional level. We just sat there and looked at one another for a long time."

Resuming their walk, Kate went on, "Finally, she sat up and started asking questions. She asked how far along I was. I told her and," smiling grimly "I saw her doing the arithmetic in her head and the comprehension come into her face before she asked me if this is why you and I were no longer together."

Their pace had slowed so that they were barely strolling now. At this, Caroline began walking almost sideways so that she could see Kate's face. Kate shrugged, "There was never much point in trying to hide things from Mum, she is much too sharp." Stopping now, glancing around, Kate saw that no one was nearby; she sat down on the bus stop bench near them. Caroline sat on the edge, sideways next to her. "She just looked at me then as if she was trying to fathom what in the world had come over me to cause me to be willing to sacrifice not only my own well-being but the person that I loved to try for this baby."

Kate sagged for a moment, remembering her mother's searching eyes upon her. Raising eyes brimming with unshed tears, Kate looked into the soft blue eyes which held no more comprehension than her mother's had. "Caroline, I wish that I could make you understand. I don't expect you to, but I wish someone did. And if I could choose it would be you I most wanted to be able to appreciate how much this baby means to me." Then the tears did spill over.

Caroline presented a packet of tissues to Kate who went through a few before she was able to regain control. Gratified that she was the one Kate needed most and sympathetic to her plight, Caroline considered matters until Kate was ready to talk again and said, "I know it must be lonely for you with no one understanding what it was that brought you to this point." Tucking a straying lock of hair behind Kate's ear, "I'm not sure that is the important thing anymore. What we need to think about now is taking the best care possible of you and the baby. We'll just take things one day at a time and make sure that you get plenty of rest, good food and some exercise each day. We will," laying ungloved fingers on Kate's cheek and smiling reassuringly, she hoped more reassuringly than she felt at the moment, "will make it our goal to give you the healthiest circumstances that any expectant mother could wish for." Giving an emotional little choked sort of a laugh Caroline leaned in and hugged Kate to her, desperately pressing her cheek to Kate's as if determination alone would make everything come out all right.

Pulling apart, they each took a new tissue to wipe away the tears, taking turns blotting their own then the other's face. Somewhat recovered, Caroline pulled Kate to her feet as was becoming her habit and stooping gathered up the carrier bags of groceries saying, "Good thing it is cold outside or the milk would be spoiled." Pointing her elbow out toward Kate, the red-gloved hand went through and rested on Caroline's forearm and they strolled the rest of the way home.

Upon arrival, Caroline insisted that Kate once again stretch out for a rest and better yet, a nap. Kate turned pleading eyes on Caroline, "please come with me. Don't make me go up there alone, not today." Caroline seeing the stress of need kissed Kate's cheek and nodding said, "let me put away the things that need refrigeration."

Having changed into a loose fitting wrapper, Kate only relaxed once Caroline had slid under the covers behind her, again wedging herself in to support the tired back. It didn't take long before Caroline could tell by Kate's even breathing that she had dropped off to sleep. With her arms wrapped around the two beating hearts beside her, Caroline for the first time let herself consider fully the magnitude of what she had taken on by loving Kate. Not that she had a choice. Not once she had begun to let her in almost a year ago. The love she felt for Kate had taken on a life of its own. Her heart beat fast at the thought of what could be just ahead for the three of them. She had known that Kate was taking risks but had never dreamed of anything like this.

Of course, that is always the chance one took with love, wasn't it? Anyone's spouse or child could come down with an illness or injury that caused untold heartache. It was part of life. This was no different. Except that those were potential things that could happen. This felt imminent. Caroline quailed a little at the thought of what might happen, and then took herself to task for unduly scaring herself. Information. That is what she needed. She wanted to talk to Mrs. McKenzie and then this Dr. Simmons. First she would get Mrs. McKenzie's views on the matter. That settled in her mind, Caroline returned to listening to Kate breath and without realizing, dropped off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon for a second day in a row.

Wakened by the subtle buzz that was her mobile vibrating on the bedside table, Caroline reached over to look at the screen and found a text from Laurence with the news that the rugby team had won the match today and giving her the seed status they would enjoy tomorrow. Smiling, she texted her congratulations and her love.

Kate having been wakened by the loss of her back support rolled toward Caroline. Watching as she keyed in the message, Kate reached out a hand to finger a lock of blonde hair. Feeling this tender touch, Caroline turned back after she set aside the phone, and placed a hand on the side of Kate's stomach. The baby had wakened also, stretching slightly then placed a kick that made Kate wince. Caroline followed the tiny movements once again with her fingers, a rapt look coming over her face.

Kate seeing this tender regard was overcome with emotion at the thought that after everything she had told Caroline today, here she was right beside her, holding her, enchanted with the child inside her. How could she be so fortunate as to have someone not only as magnificent as Caroline but to have her be as faithful and true as Caroline was being to her?

Smiling up at Kate, Caroline was startled to see tears once more on Kate's cheeks. "Kate! What is it? Are you alright?"

Kate just shook her head, using fingers to wipe away the tears. "Just feeling very, very lucky to have you in my life. After everything I told you today, here you are being so loving to me and to the baby."

"Our baby," Caroline corrected, looking earnestly into Kate's liquid brown eyes. "Ours" she repeated.

Seeing emotion returning to Kate's face, she sweetly laid her lips on the quivering brown ones before her. Then in one quick movement rolled out of the bed onto her feet, saying, "Right. Dinner with your Mum. What shall I wear?"

Beholding the magnificence, which was a rumpled, tousle headed Caroline, back lit by the sun setting in the window behind her, Kate said without hesitation, "heels."

Caroline laughed out loud, "I might draw more than Mr. Fields' attention if I showed up at your favorite restaurant in only heels," once again giving the pose she had made for the passing boys.

Kate, laughing now in spite of the stern look that she gave Caroline. "Well then, the green dress?"

No, no, your mother has already seen that, she'll think I only have one outfit. Besides I didn't bring it along." Teasing and talking as they dressed, the two companionably moved around the bedroom and bath, in and out of one another's space with an admiring glance here and a quick kiss there as if they had been doing so for years.


	7. Chapter 7

**Dinner with Mrs. McKenzie**

Since they planned to pick up Kate's mother for dinner tonight, they had brought Caroline's jeep. It had four doors and was easier for adults to get into and out of than Kate's car. Caroline, knowing she would be the one forming her long legs into a pretzel to get into and out of the back seat of Kate's two-door car had talked Kate into leaving hers on Conway Drive for the time being when they had set off to drop Laurence at the school.

So, Friday evening, Caroline behind the wheel, where she was most comfortable in any car, drove to pick up Mrs. McKenzie and on to the restaurant. It was fortunate that Kate had made a reservation, as this was a popular place tonight in the middle of the holiday season. Seeing Kate and Mrs. McKenzie standing inside the door, the owner, Mr. Balboa came forward to welcome them both like the old friends they were and to be introduced to Caroline. With an admiring glance that took in the loveliness of all three women, Mr. Balboa showed them immediately to a table in one of the quieter corners of the dining room.

During dinner, the recent events in Caroline's family were discussed, the reunion of Celia and Alan, the wedding and the houseful of newly acquired family members that Caroline had entertained on Christmas. Then on to the family gathering the McKenzies had enjoyed on Christmas Day.

Mrs. McKenzie gave Caroline a synopsis of the immigration of her parents to Britain from Nigeria following the war and their settlement in Manchester where her father had connections and found work. How she and her only sister had been born here but because they spoke their native dialect in the home during formative years, both girls had retained a trace of foreign cadence in their speech. Their father had been successful and the parents saved to send their daughters to university. This is where she met Alistair McKenzie and the two of them had been so in love that they had braved the mores of their day to marry and raise a family. It had not been easy for them, especially in the beginning, but as the years went on and society changed little by little they had fewer problems of that kind. It also helped that over time the families of each had grown to respect one another and extended family life on both sides became more relaxed and loving.

Then Mrs. McKenzie asked about Caroline's boys and her mother so she shared a little about her own background and her marriage to John which had ended and was about to be formalized by a divorce. Kate's Mum had known a little about the family tension over Caroline's relationship with Kate all those months ago and asked what the situation was like now. Caroline was candid in telling Mrs. McKenzie that her parents had not had a happy marriage and as a result her mother had felt gossiped about for years and that this sensitivity had come into play when she learned of Caroline's feelings for Kate. She also related that her mother had come a long way toward acceptance of their relationship and that she and Caroline had had two good discussions on the topic in the last few days. Caroline went on to say that William had been pleased for her and Kate from the beginning but that Laurence had displayed negative behavior. That had been when things had been the most strained between Caroline and his father. Now he was getting adjusted to those changes, she thought that it would become easier for him to accept her and Kate as a couple.

By this time they had finished their meal and the restaurant crowd was thinning. The topic now being Kate and Caroline as a couple, Mrs. McKenzie regarded the two younger women at the table. First she turned to her daughter, read the sorrow Kate felt for once again causing her mother such worry and dread of what might happen to her only daughter. She also saw the love and respect for herself that had always been there. Tonight, for the first time in a long time she recognized another light in Kate's eyes. A light that had once been put there by Richard, then, more recently, last spring it had come back and after a time, Kate had told her mother about Caroline. She hadn't been sure then just how happy she was prepared to be by this development but before there had been much chance to do more than meet Caroline, it had ended. It had not been a happy summer for her Kate and in the fall had come the news of this pregnancy and all the old apprehension and anxiety had returned for them both.

Caroline had been admiring the elegant older woman throughout their conversation. There was something quite unusual about her, a regal quality that was difficult to describe. It was clear where Kate had come by her composure and self-possession, the grace with which she met whatever came her way.

Then, Mrs. McKenzie turned intense dark eyes upon her. Feeling the full force of intellect brought to bear on her now by this striking woman, Caroline felt that it would not be easy to hide anything from these discerning eyes. Not wishing to hide anything from Kate's mother, Caroline still felt somewhat invaded by the perceptive penetrating gaze. More accustomed to doing the searching than being searched, she realized that she had more than met her match in Mrs. McKenzie. The dark eyes on hers read all of this and moved on to see if the commitment necessary to deal with what might be in store for them all if things went badly for Kate would be there in the time of need. Caroline, knowing what she would want to find if one of her children were in a similar situation, opened herself before the maternal heart.

Mrs. McKenzie recognized this as well and seeing all that she could ask for and more in the startlingly blue eyes of this woman, who was so obviously in love with her daughter, she at last released Caroline. Satisfied that whatever came, Caroline would be there for Kate, something inside her relaxed a little. She knew that this vital, intelligent woman would be there for her too if things got rough. This weight was no longer only hers to bear but could be, would be shared with this woman who was, in her own right, a force to be reckoned with.

Kate was well aware of the perceptive powers of her mother and of the many friends of her own who through the years who had failed the testing which Caroline was now undergoing. A testing that would have been much less searching than the scrutiny her mother would be putting upon Caroline today because of the seriousness of the current circumstances. While she harbored a small apprehension for Caroline's reaction to being the scrutinized rather than the one performing the analysis, she had every confidence that her beloved was equal to this examination.

Seeing her Mum relax as she glanced at Kate over her coffee cup, Kate could not help the broad smile that took over her face. Caroline, seeing Kate's smile as confirmation of what she already knew as she had been doing some discerning of her own during this silent exchange. The older woman observing them, patted Kate's hand.

Caroline turning back to her new ally, began, "Mrs. McKenzie," before being interrupted by the warm soft voice of Kate's mother.

"Caroline, I think you had better begin calling me Edie." Caroline, acknowledging the respect that this denoted returned it with her eyes, a nod and the simple enunciation of her name, "Edie." A token of friendship handed back to her newest family member.

Kate beaming that things were going so well between these two that she loved so much, caught an extra breath to catch up for when she had forgotten to breathe properly. She knew that after the difficult conversations she and Caroline had been having regarding her condition, Caroline would welcome some time to talk to Kate's Mum without her being present. Seeing that Mr. & Mrs. Balboa had seated themselves for the first time tonight at a table near the door with cups of steaming coffee, she excused herself from the table telling them that she was going over to say hello to her friends. Before she rose, she put her hand over her mother's and told her earnestly, "I don't have any secrets from Caroline. Not anymore. Neither should you." Having granted permission for the conversation she knew these two needed to have with one another, Kate left the table with a smile for each.

Caroline and Edie watched Kate walk across the dining room for a moment then turned back to regard the other. For the first time they were alone in one another's company. Edie began with the topic still foremost on her heart. "Kate has told you then about what has happened to her in the past when she lost the babies." This was a statement, not a question because she had seen the weight on Caroline's heart, a match to her own. At Caroline's nod of assent, "And what could happen even if the baby is born safely?"

Caroline's eyes moving to Kate, seated across the room, laughing at something Mrs. Balboa had told her, turned back to Edie. "Yes, she has. She has been very forthright with me now. Since we have been talking again. I wouldn't mind hearing things from your point of view though."

"Yes," Edie replied, regarding Caroline thoughtfully, "I would like to tell you. I want to be sure you are prepared…" now allowing the anxiety to show fully on her face for the first time. "Prepared in case the depression returns." With that she told Caroline the difficult story of her daughter's battles with depression and the havoc it wrought on the marriage of Kate and Richard. Essentially, the same story Kate had told with some added details that Kate might not have known due to the state she had been in at the time. It was not an easy story to tell but it was apparent that Edie was relieved to have someone with whom to share the burden of what might happen again and to know that it wasn't all up to her anymore, now that Caroline was part of Kate's life.

She finished by telling exactly this to Caroline, saying, "I am no longer as young as I once was. Caring for Alistair takes a lot out of me these days. Even though he is in a home, it is still difficult." Caroline shared that her father had ended his days in a similar state so she had some idea of the strain that it could be on a family.

Caroline broached the other topic that concerned her, "Did Kate tell you how she got pregnant?"

"Greg." Edie spat out his name with contempt. "At first when she told me, I assumed that she had gone to a clinic, she said it was a donor. When I started asking questions she finally told me that she'd had sex with this Greg she knew in university days."

"So, you know him?" queried Caroline.

"Yes. Well, from years ago, Kate's first year at university. She brought him home for a weekend. Her father and I didn't understand what she saw in him. He was always talking, talking, talking, even when he had nothing to say. After the second visit didn't go any better than the first she never brought him home again. Thankfully. After a while, she told us she'd broken off with him and was seeing other people."

Watching Caroline as she spoke, Edie could see by the look of satisfaction on the younger woman's face that her evaluation of Greg had matched that of his parents. "You've met him, then Caroline?"

Caroline looked down briefly, remembering, "Yes, we met him for a drink the night of Kate's birthday. Then he invited himself to dinner."

Seeing the face on Caroline at this revelation, Edie gave a short laugh of sympathy, "Sounds just like him. I guess he hasn't changed much." She went on, "This was the weekend you and Kate went away together?"

Caroline now searched Edie's face, uncertain just how much of their story Kate had shared with her mother. Remembering the tacit permission that Kate had bestowed upon them when she left the table and reckoning that this part was as much her story as Kate's. Besides it touched on the condition both women were afraid of for Kate's sake. Caroline went on, "Yes, Kate had told me that she wanted a baby. Only that, and the fact that she had lost four babies when she was married to Richard. None of the rest, about the depressions."

Caroline could see on Edie's face that she had wondered about this. "Kate had just told me that she wanted to have a baby. I could see how important it was to her. I sensed a certain... desperation but chalked that up to her age and the fact that time was running out for her in this department. I knew nothing of," with a turn of her hand, "all the rest."

Looking across the room, eyes drawn once again to Kate, Caroline saw her glance back at the same time. Their eyes met, Kate, moving her head up and down almost imperceptibly, once again gave Caroline the permission she needed to speak freely to Kate's mother. Turning back, she saw that Edie had witnessed this exchange and waited for Caroline to go on with her story. "I did some research on the internet, so I knew that women over 40 had a more difficult time becoming pregnant and then if they were with child, faced additional risks. I tried to talk her out of it." With a softened face and tilt of the head, Caroline continued, "She so wanted to be a Mum. Of course, I understood that. My boys are so precious to me. I had hoped that weekend that we'd be able to talk it all over in a more relaxed setting. Talk about whether this really should be pursued and if so, discuss logistics…" With a shrug, Caroline stopped.

Seeing that Edie agreed that she had been on the right track with Kate, "but then, _bloody_ Greg invited himself along. "Sorry, that just slipped out, I guess I've called him that in my mind so long that it seems to be a part of his name now."

Edie's eyes crinkled at this, unable to hold back a small smile, with a shake of her head and a wave of her hand she indicated that Caroline should continue.

"She'd already told me that she would like for him to be the donor and that…" Caroline paused and deciding that the scientific term was best, went on, "coitus was the best means of achieving conception and with the odds not being with her at this point, that was her plan."

Even the normally confident Caroline was a bit embarrassed to be telling all of this to the mother of her lover. Feeling the warmth in her face, Caroline did her best to tell the rest as quickly as possible. After he turned up, conversation between Kate and I became impossible. At breakfast the next morning I told her I didn't think Greg was the right candidate and she turned on me. Dumped me and proceeded with her plan to get pregnant by Greg." Failing to keep the raw pain from her face before Edie, she saw the sympathy in the older woman's face and this almost did her in.

Edie, seeing Caroline working hard to regain control of her emotions, retold what Kate had said of the matter to her. "Kate told me of how convinced she had been that this was her last chance to conceive. That she felt compelled to conceive. I wasn't sure I believed her at first. I still do not understand why a normally reasonable, clever woman would deliberately put herself in this kind of danger, knowing what she did about her history, and against the advice of her doctors." Shaking her head still trying to make sense of it all, Edie looked at Caroline who was now more herself, "And on top of all that, to do what she did, in spite of you and your opinion. Someone I know she loved then and I know she loves now." Edie raised her hands, palms up, able to make no more of these happenings than Caroline.

These two astute women sat regarding one another silently. Both perplexed at this thing that had possessed the Kate they both loved so much. This shared bond cemented their newfound friendship. Finding nothing left to be said tonight on this subject they looked around realizing that the restaurant was now almost deserted. Edie and Caroline both got up a little stiffly after having sat so long in one place.

Kate seeing her mother and Caroline walking toward her, each with love in her eyes for Kate, knew it was going to be alright between them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Saturday Morning**

At breakfast, they discussed the dinner they had shared with Kate's mother. Caroline told Kate how much she liked and admired Edie. Kate offered that Edie was a nickname, given by a childhood friend who could not pronounce her mother's Nigerian name, Edelokun, bestowed by parents fresh from their homeland. Even though the parents had called their daughters by their Nigerian names until the day they died, both girls had anglicized names that they used with everyone else.

"I'm glad to see you and Mum getting on." Kate looked into Caroline's eyes. "It could have been difficult if you hadn't. With a wry face, "We could have had a replay of my relationship to Celia." Kate reflected, you are both so perceptive. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when you each went into 'intuitive mode' last night."

Caroline laughed out loud, "Intuitive Mode." Drawing out the syllables deliberately. "Sounds like a cue for the spooky music to begin."

Kate smiling at Caroline's pronunciation but indignant at being made the butt of the joke, "So, what would you call it?" Kate challenged.

"Well, we were just getting to know one another…" seeing the look on Kate's face and knowing the next word to come out of her mouth, they finished at the same time, "intuitively," laughing together.

"I think you'll find that my mother is coming around. She'll see our commitment to one another now and she'll become used to things as they are." Caroline saw a shadow pass across Kate's expression. "Whot?"

Seeing the concern on Caroline's face, "No, no, I think you are right about Celia. I think too it will get better in time." Stopping Kate scanned Caroline's face.

"Whot?" repeated Caroline.

"You said 'our commitment to one another'." Looking worried, "do you really mean that? After… everything?"

Caroline looked appraisingly into Kate's eyes. They both knew that there was still one topic to be brought into the open. Each was loath to begin, knowing that it had the power still, to knock them off course. The sexual attraction between them had been passionate from the start. The rule it exerted often surprised them both. Neither had felt quite this level of desire for anyone else. Ever. It was something unique and precious that they had marveled over between themselves.

Then, without warning, Kate had been willing to callously cast aside this momentous thing that had sprung up between them, to… My God, today, in the presence of Kate, Caroline found that she could not even form the words for what had happened not in her own mind, let alone say them aloud. The cords in her neck standing out prominently, almost overcome, Caroline turned and walked into the sitting room from the kitchen where Kate remained for a long moment, trying to decide how to proceed. Trying to find a way to defuse this explosive matter.

She'd known since the night that she drove back to the hotel from Harrogate that if Caroline was still willing to reopen their relationship, this would come up. They would not be able to put it off for long. She was surprised even now that it had waited this long. In fact, this was the stumbling block that had kept her from Caroline as much as anything else. No matter how she turned it, phrased it, nothing mitigated, even in her own mind, what she had done to Caroline. Done to them both by being willing to set aside the treasure they had found in one another to have sex with Greg. Perform this most intimate act with someone other than Caroline in order to create a baby. No. For the _chance_ to have a baby.

She had no defense save that the long held urge to conceive a child had been so strong in her that it took precedence. Precedence over Caroline in her life. Precedence over her own well being. She had made the choice that had brought them here. Kate knew the hour was upon her when she simply had to take whatever Caroline meted out. In a sense she welcomed it. Maybe then, at last, some of her guilt would be expiated. Walking to the sitting room door, she found Caroline staring out over the back garden. "Caroline." Kate waited to see what would come next. When Caroline remained at the window, immobile, unapproachable, Kate once again seated herself on the sofa.

Kate resumed her story, "I knew Greg would do almost anything I asked of him. He always had before. After you went upstairs, when he came back to the table, I asked to come to his room to talk. I reckoned that you would come looking for me that night. I didn't want to be in my room when you did." Kate took a steadying breath, "I told him that I wanted a child. Wanted him to… The words stuck in Kate's throat and she stopped speaking.

Caroline turned then with a pained expression, mouth open, her total lack of understanding showing plainly on her face. Kate forced herself to continue, stealing glances at Caroline. "I told him that you were not happy about the method I'd chosen but I didn't care. Told him I planned to send you away in the morning if he would stay the next night and… and…" Kate, overcome with remorse stopped unable to continue. Pulling the box of tissues toward her, Kate fought for control of her emotions. Finally, braving a look at Caroline she could see only the back of her form, clad in jeans and a sweater, head slightly bowed.

Caroline, torn between the empathy she felt for Kate as she told this difficult part of the story and her own pent up indignation, trying to process, had turned back to the window remaining motionless for what seemed like an eternity to Kate, waiting. When Caroline did turn to face her the pain and ferocity she saw there caused Kate to catch her breath. Kate was glad that she was seated; the force of the look she took from Caroline was like a blow. Willing herself not to look away, Kate met Caroline's eyes. She tried to let her sorrow and remorse show through. So often, their unspoken communication had said more than the words they'd uttered. Today, Caroline was having none of that.

Through gritted teeth, "So, you wanted to have sex with _bloody_ Greg." Both hands on her hips, she waited for Kate to try to refute this statement.

In a conciliatory tone Kate began, "Caroline, it was just sex. I didn't…"

"Just sex!" spat out Caroline. "I wish to hell on earth someone would explain to me how one '_just_ has sex'. I've never been able to '_just_ have sex'." Glaring at Kate, anger and emotion evident in her voice, "John '_just_ has sex', Gillian '_just_ has sex', now you, you '_just_ have sex'. How _exactly_ does that work?"

Irritation rising in Kate now, she narrowed her eyes at Caroline, her lips pressed against the words her mind was formulating to defend herself. Never having seen Caroline this angry she decided against a reply that would escalate matters and simply said in a severe voice, "Caroline."

Facing Kate, arms akimbo, weight on one foot, the other slightly forward, Caroline was the epitome of an angry woman. "Kate!?" she returned.

Kate's heart skipped a beat, she had never heard her name on Caroline's lips in anything approximating this tone. She was too shocked to reply.

Seeing the effect of her anger on Kate, Caroline was shocked at herself. Where had this vitriol come from?

She thought she had dealt with this during the long months of separation. She couldn't remember ever having been this infuriated, this hurt. John certainly never had that kind of power over her no matter how useless and stupid he had been. She hadn't even been this furious with her mother the day she received Kate's resignation letter, and she had been very hurt and upset that day. She was scaring herself now. Taking a deep breath and drawing down her shoulders, she found that this helped only a little, so she turned and walked the length of the room and back putting her hands on the back of the armchair she had sat in yesterday rather than back on her hips. Facing Kate, "So, tell me about '_just_ sex' with _bloody_ Greg," Caroline ordered in a slightly less caustic tone.

When she'd been released by Caroline's eyes which had pinned her in place, keeping her immobile, Kate had slumped as Caroline paced. Breathing again, she had sat forward, elbows on knees, her head in her hands she tried to think what she could say or do to help them past this point. At this command, Kate looked up, "Caroline, I didn't want…"

Still furious, her voice dangerously quiet now "Well, you sure as hell wanted something badly enough to throw me down." Caroline's face and neck working in concert to maintain control showed the depth of emotion she experienced, what it cost her to continue now that they had begun. Again through gritted teeth, "To have the unmitigated gall to sit there and tell me that everything that happened between us was nothing but a fumble." Caroline stopped, waiting for a reply from Kate.

As she opened her mouth to go on, Caroline saw the pain and hurt she had put onto Kate's face and became frightened by the depths of her own anger and hurt so she closed it closed it. Fixing on Kate a look filled with such anguish that Kate thought she would never forget it. Turning away finally, Caroline walked to the front of the house to stand unseeing at the dining room window, one arm crossed beneath her breasts supporting the arm that held her hand to her mouth.

Kate tried again, "It wasn't like that Caroline, I told you, it was…"

Turning from the window, walking toward Kate, her voice obviously being controlled by an effort, "Here you were raking _me_ over the coals for being embarrassed to book a double room for us, berating _me_ for not yet coming to terms with having a sexual relationship with a woman and while you were _with me_ you were plotting to have sex with a man." Spitting out the words, "_Bloody_ Greg! Doesn't that strike you as being _something_ of a double standard?"

Exclaiming "Aaaarrrgh!' on a long expelled breath, in frustration, Caroline spun away from Kate's stricken face. She didn't want to do this, didn't want to feel this way, but now that she had begun, the thoughts and images remembered and imagined, had engulfed her as never before. Pacing through the rooms of the first floor, trying to work off some of the emotion that raged within her, Caroline grappled with herself.

At length, somewhat calmer, Caroline came back into the room where Kate still sat on the sofa, waiting for what would come next. Kate knew that today had to be whatever Caroline needed it to be or they could never move forward together.

Caroline sat down, not across from Kate as she had yesterday, but, oddly enough in the chair she had sat in the day she'd received the curt, 'No. Thank you.' from Kate when she'd asked for another chance. The irony of this was not lost on either woman. Both realizing that today, the power over their future rested with Caroline. Considering this, Caroline realized that she wasn't feeling powerful sitting here. She was still bewildered by the force that had driven Kate until she could have betrayed the love that bound them so irrevocably. Betrayed their joy in one another for an objective that had nothing at all to do with Caroline. So at last, it was the curiosity that calmed her the most. Looking over at Kate she saw her gazing out the back window, unable to take in any more of an outraged Caroline. Imperatively, "Kate."

Hearing the calmer note in Caroline's voice and responding to the demand in it, Kate turned her head and met the steel blue eyes. In spite of the responsibility she felt for their being in this position, Kate did not intend to be bullied. So, when she raised her head it was with a certain lift to her chin and a spark in her own eye.

Caroline, seeing this was a little relieved. Her emotions had almost gotten beyond her control. Once she was more herself she had been a little afraid for Kate and the child she carried. Now she said in a small voice to Kate, "What's it like?"

Kate didn't know what she had expected from Caroline but this certainly wasn't it. Kate opened her mouth to speak and then closed it firmly. Surely Caroline wasn't really asking for details. Was she? Caroline still held her eye waiting for an answer. Ire in her voice, "I'm not sure what you are asking me, Caroline."

Her voice dangerously calm, "It's a simple question." Caroline, seeing that Kate had no intention of offering more information than was required, recognized now as she hadn't fully when she asked the question, that for her and the way her mind worked, knowing would be better than not knowing. The wondering, the imagining would never let her rest. No matter what Kate told her, if she believed it was the truth, there was a better chance that she would at some point make her peace with it, put it to rest. Now, "did you go to his room or did he come to yours."

Kate closed her eyes, leaning her head on the back of the sofa and realized that she wasn't going get to move past this as she had hoped. "He came to mine."

"When?" the insistent voice continued from a face set and a body rigid, steeled as if for a blow.

Greg knocked on my door to ask if I was ready for breakfast, I sent him down alone. I didn't want to run into you. I wasn't hungry anyway. So, I was there at the window to watch you drive away. I was very angry that you left. I don't ever recall being as angry as I was that day. I could see the car park from my window. I watched you get into your car and leave. I saw how dejected you were by the way you walked. That only made me angrier because I thought; if you really loved me you wouldn't have just walked away. You would have come after me and had it out until we came to an understanding.

Caroline was staggered at this point of view. Her mouth dropped open in astonishment, such a thing had never occurred to her. Kate had cut her to the quick and walked away so coldly. It had seemed so final.

Kate accurately reading these expressions as they played across the face she had studied for so long, knew so well, didn't wait for Caroline to form the words. "I know, later, much later when I could be rational about it all, I realized that this was not something that would probably even occur to you, given your upbringing. I know that now, but reason wasn't part of the equation that day."

Gazing out the window behind Caroline for a moment before reconnecting with the blue eyes that had never left her, "I also realize now, that as much, maybe more of that anger was directed at myself for what I had said to hurt you and for what I still fully intended to do." Looking down at the fingers in her lap plucking nervously at one another, "I needed the anger to fuel what I had to do."

Looking directly at Caroline now, defying her to not believe her, "What I was impelled to do." Then fiercely, "I know you don't believe me. I know my own mother doesn't really believe me but it was a compulsion that I wasn't strong enough to resist even when I knew it was wrong to hurt you in order to do this, in order to have a fighting chance to conceive a baby, before it was _forever_ too late. I can't explain it any better than that."

For Caroline this wasn't new information but the vehemence with which Kate said it this time had the ring of truth and implausible as this story sounded, it was so invariably the same at each telling that either it was actually true or Kate believed that it was true which amounted to the same thing.

Kate saw Caroline taking this in, waited for the fleeting expressions to halt and the blue eyes to see her again. Caroline's face was still inquiring so Kate continued. "Greg came up after his breakfast to see if I was OK, if I needed anything and I let him in. He asked about my plan, I think he thought I was sick or going to follow you back to Harrogate or both. Instead, I told him, 'now'. Lets do it now. He seemed surprised but he agreed."

Hearing Caroline's sharp intake of breath, Kate looked at her raising her eyebrows and tipping her head down, asking mutely if Caroline wanted her to continue. Caroline pulled her head back and her shoulders down then said very quietly, "your going to have to say it."

Kate's eyes moved from taking in Caroline's expressions to lock onto her eyes. Resentment flashed through her at these words, wasn't she being as honest as she knew how to be? How dare Caroline say these words to her. Glaring into the eyes so blue that they hurt her to look into them Kate realized that Caroline was once again allowing her in. The anguish was still there but so was empathy and something else that spoke to Kate of the generous nature and strength of character embodied in this remarkable woman. Seeing all of this was freely offered to her Kate grasped what she'd had no right to believe would be offered. They had always spoken such volumes to one another with their eyes, maybe this is why they hadn't made the space in their lives for the conversations that they should have been having, for discussions that might have taken them on a different path. Might have saved each of them so much suffering.

Eyes still locked, questions and answers flashing between them fast as computer code. Kate's almost drained battery pulled a charge from the reserves of Caroline's natural vitality. This time she heard the love behind the words, "You're going to have to say it." Kate knew Caroline was right, if she didn't say the words out loud to Caroline, this episode could never be over between them.

She'd come this far; she had to say the rest. Kate closed her eyes and resumed in a toneless voice. "I let him watch me undress. I had my back to him, but I knew he was watching. Once I was under the covers, he put the do not disturb notice outside the door. I closed my eyes and waited." Meeting Caroline's eyes and said quietly but still slightly defiant, "So, we did it."

Caroline, needing to know and at the same time not wanting to know, not asking, but stating, "More than once." She was breathing hard now, as if she had just raced up two flights of stairs. The pain fully registered on her face. Working hard not to lose control again, she had to know, through barely open lips, "Did you come?"

Kate her sympathy fully aroused now by the sight of the ache on Caroline's face was stunned at this question. She wanted _more_ details? This wasn't enough? Then, wondering if Caroline could take much more Kate tilted her head in another silent question, doubt and warning written on her face.

Caroline, her normally rosy complexion gone grey, demanded through tight lips. "Did you?"

Kate growing cross now that Caroline would put both of them through this, snapped, "Not then."

At this, a sound escaped Caroline as if she had received a sharp blow. Kate looked at her with regret mixed with censure for Caroline's insistence that they go into this.

Caroline, obviously bracing herself, arms pressed to the chair, tears rolling unchecked down her cheeks, unable to move until she had heard it all. Her voice still harsh and demanding, "Tell me the rest."

So angry now that she could no longer look at Caroline, Kate looked out the front window again, over Caroline's shoulder, her voice grudging and irritated, "right after… he fell asleep." Rolling her eyes, still looking past Caroline. "When he woke, I let him. Again." Angry defiant brown eyes on tormented, demanding blue ones, "I'd gone this far. I wanted the best chance possible, so I let him. Again."

Raising her gaze back to the window knowing she would not be able to tell the rest if she had to witness the pain etched face of Caroline, "It wasn't like I had thought it would be. I thought it could just be a friendly thing, a favor between friends. I guess that was stupid of me. Maybe it was because I had to dump you to do it. Oh, I don't know, it was awful. I couldn't stand to look at him, he'd been far too close before, so I made him take me from behind." Willing herself to finish this and be done, "between the anger raging in me and the physicality…" After a pause, still looking out the window, "Then I asked him to go. As soon as he was out of the room I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. It had been humiliating. I was appalled at myself and yet I knew I would do it again for the chance of a baby. After he left, I showered. Twice.

I called reception to find out what time the next train left from Halifax to Harrogate and if there was a shuttle or if I needed a taxi. Within an hour I was on a train for Harrogate. I texted Greg when I got on the train. I didn't want to see him again. I haven't seen him since."

Kate let her gaze drop to find Caroline, rigid in the chair, eyes closed, breathing through her mouth as if there were not enough oxygen in the room. Suddenly she was on her feet, lurching down the hall to the powder room. Kate heard her being sick. There hadn't been time to close the door. Feeling a little queasy herself and not from what she was hearing down the hall, Kate took a few steadying breaths before she rose to see if Caroline was going to be all right.

Finding Caroline at the basin washing her face, Kate waited silently. As she turned, her haunted eyes met Kate's. Kate slowly reached out a hand only to see Caroline recoil and give her a warning look. So she just stepped back to let Caroline pass. The baby's weight pressing on her bladder, Kate took her own turn in the loo, wondering if she would have demanded all of this from Caroline if it had been the other way around. It certainly didn't seem to be helping. What had been the point?

Caroline, hearing Kate close the door, stood supporting herself with the back of a chair.

She felt as if she had been beaten with a stick, sore, bruised, battered. She also felt suffocated. All at once, she found that she could not remain still. Caroline knew she had to get out of this house. Going to the entry, she was putting on her new down coat when Kate returned.

Kate said in disbelief, "You're leaving? Now! After you put us both through _this_, you are just going to leave?" Throwing her hands up, Kate spun around heading back across the sitting room. "Unbelievable!"

Looking after her, still pulling on gloves, Caroline, the fury having left her, said wearily, "Kate." Seeing that she continued to walk away, she repeated more forcefully, "Kate." As Kate turned, "It isn't meant to hurt you. I don't…" closing her eyes, "_want_ to hurt you." With eyes now pleading for understanding, "I just need to be on my own for a while. Take a walk, think, get my bearings again." Seeing no reaction from Kate, she repeated in a softer voice, "I don't want to hurt you. If I stay here, I don't know what will come out of me. I need to be on my own for a while. Can you understand that?"

Compassion reasserted itself in Kate's face, "Go then. If you must." Watching Caroline pull on the smart fur hat, "do you have your phone?"

Caroline held it up, a tight smile on her face. Closing her eyes for just an instant, Caroline tilted her head and gave Kate a look of apology, "I have to go. Bye." Opening the door, pausing to look at a confused and distressed Kate she said once more, "Bye." She was gone.

Kate, collapsing into the nearest chair, let out a deep breath and felt the tears forming in her eyes as she stared at the closed door. Feeling the baby kick she wondered how all of this had affected her child. Realized that she had been thinking much less about the baby these last days since she had been around Caroline so much, wondered if this was a good thing or not. Her stomach rumbled and Kate realized that it was after 1:00. They'd had only toast and cereal for breakfast today. Her first thought was for Caroline out walking on an empty stomach in the emotional state that she was in. Did she take her purse? Did she have money in her pocket? Sighing deeply, Kate thought rationally, 'she _is_ a grown woman, surely she can take care of herself.' Then continued to worry. When her stomach growled again, Kate pushed herself wearily from the chair. She knew she needed to eat for the sake of her child if not for herself.

Moving to the kitchen, Kate heated soup from a tin and ate it sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter. Looking out at the winter landscape of her garden, she realized that the sun had disappeared and the wind had picked up since morning, swaying the branches of the bare trees steadily. Thinking about Caroline out walking in the bitter wind, Kate began to worry again.


	9. Chapter 9

_Thank you for all the kind encouragement. _

**Saturday Afternoon**

Caroline was at first too preoccupied with her thoughts and emotions to notice the wind. Starting down the path from Kate's front door, she had picked up speed as she turned onto the sidewalk, automatically heading in the same direction as the wind, no destination in mind. The fresh air felt good in her lungs. Head down, wind at her back, thoughts racing through her mind. She saw no one she passed that day on Kate's street. Not even Mr. Field, who, realizing that he had been ignored, finally turned to look after this stunning blond woman in her winter coat.

Trying to race past images of Kate in a white sheeted bed with Greg, Caroline's stride never let up. Dear God, why had she asked? Why had Kate told her? No, no, no. Keep walking, _keep_ _walking_. Caroline's long legs carrying her at pace down the tree lined street quickly brought her within sight and sound of the main thoroughfare. Not wanting to put herself into the bustle of a holiday crowd, Caroline turned into the next neighborhood street that she came upon. Now the wind hit the left side of her face sharply. Pulling the smart faux fur hat down further on that side and her scarf as far up to meet it as she could, Caroline kept up the pace. In her current state she would have been unable to stop even if there had been a place to get out of the wind.

Physically, Caroline was in better shape now than she had been for some time. During the summer break she had begun a walking program. It was something to do. As an added benefit she found that it did help her state of mind somewhat and allowed her to fall asleep a little easier at night. When the term began she hadn't had as much time for walking but managed to get in a few sesions each week. This stamina was to her advantage today.

Eventually even this endurance deserted her in the biting wind. Spotting a neighborhood cafe, Caroline went in, grateful for the warmth and a respite from the wind. As the young waiter came to her table she realized how hungry she was and ordered soup and a sandwich with her tea. Hearing the tone which signaled a text from her youngest, Caroline pulled the phone from her pocket to find a triumphant message telling her that the rugby team had won two matches today and that Laurence had scored a tri in each. She responded with a note of congratulations and motherly pride, smiling to know that he was having such a good trip. It occurred to her that she should send a text to Kate. She might be napping, but she might be worrying. Caroline opted to send the message. Told Kate she was having a sandwich and would be back before dark.

Her meal tasted wonderful, the soup and hot tea had the desired warming effect. Reflecting more calmly now on the morning Caroline tried her best to be fair to Kate. She hadn't wanted to give the details of her encounter with Greg. She herself had forced it out of her, thinking that if she knew she could deal with it.

Well, now she knew. How was she going to deal with it? She wasn't sure. When John had been unfaithful to her she had been upset but somehow this was different. How was it different? She knew now that even at the time of John's admission to his affair, she hadn't really been in love with him for a long time. It was more the public humiliation that had rankled. That and the fact that she felt she had deserved better from him. To have asked for a divorce would have been bad enough but to have him run off with the pathetic Judith had been beyond the pale. And sure enough it wasn't long before everyone knew. She had eventually come to terms with this largely since she came to realize that because John was so naturally sloppy in his thinking and increasingly more of a drunk, that the things that outraged her were usually done for purely selfish reasons of his own, not particularly aimed at her. She was just collateral damage.

Through all of this, Kate had listened to everything that Caroline had told her of these situations. Invited her confidences as a way to get close to her. Kate had come to know her so well. Caroline sometimes thought Kate knew her better than she knew herself. She had been a sponge soaking up everything she could learn about Caroline, everything Caroline had been willing or able to share. Kate was so perceptive and attentive; she had missed nothing in her study of Caroline. Reading between the lines and reflecting Caroline back to herself in a way that helped her gain self-awareness. Then, unbelievably, she had knowingly, deliberately betrayed everything she knew Caroline held in esteem.

Caroline having discharged some of the energy, which had coursed through her earlier, tried to come to terms with what had happened between Kate and Greg. Even the things that she had known in her head for all of these months, like the only too obvious fact that Kate had indeed had sex with Greg were somehow borne in upon her bodily now. There was a leaden weight in her chest. How to dislodge it? How did they go on from here? Could there be a 'they'?" How was she going to get past this?

How was she to find a way forward with these images in her brain? She _had_ asked for it. _Made_ Kate tell her. Her innate sense of fairness would not let her duck responsibility for demanding these details. But Kate had done it. Been willing to dump Caroline, have sex with someone she didn't even really like to have a chance for a baby. Kate had been willing to sacrifice the amazing love and passion they felt for one another to try for a baby.

Could she, Caroline, ever picture herself this desperate for a child? No. But then, she had two perfect, healthy sons didn't she? She had never been through what Kate had been through. No matter what happened between her and John, she knew that she would always have the love of her boys. Kate hadn't had that. Not ever. She had been alone in a way that Caroline hadn't been alone since she was in her early twenties. Sure Kate had her Mum, and her Dad was still here, but barely. One day they would both be gone and Kate would be alone. Well, she wouldn't have been alone though would she? She'd have had Caroline, wouldn't she? Would she? Really?

Remembering those days, Caroline had to be honest, with all the turmoil in her home, had she really been there for Kate? The truth, she knew, is that she really hadn't offered Kate much security. Sure, she had told her she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. And she did, but that had been tossed off in the context of another subject, keeping the house, not in a time and place and in a way that would offer a woman security. Caroline knew she hadn't really been present for Kate. There were simply too many balls in the air at any given moment and she had taken for granted Kate's patience, her devotion, her serenity. Taken for granted Kate's ability to be a calming influence on her. Taking, taking, taking. Never giving back. Her own selfishness had fed this need for a child, a family of her own in Kate. What a bitch she had been. Instead of Kate's sharing with Caroline her desire for a baby being an impetus for them to talk and get to know one another better, she had been dismissive and once again made Kate feel like she wasn't important to Caroline.

She had used Kate to drive John out of the house instead of dealing with him as she ought to have done long before that. If she was honest with herself, she should have waited to take up with Kate until she had her marriage sorted. It wasn't fair to either of them to have begun a new relationship in the midst of so much chaos. The chaos had been inside of her as well as in the household.

She knew better than to have let things happen as they had. She should have been stronger, wiser for both of them, for all of them. She, Caroline had let them all down. It was so clear now. Well, she had known that all along hadn't she? Just hadn't been willing to admit it. Now there was a chance to make it right. Kate was willing to give her another chance after all this clumsy fumbling. Well, maybe. After the way she had just left would Kate still give her another chance? Had she blown it again? Dear God, please help me get this right.

Before she went back she had to deal with this matter of Greg having sex with Kate. Could she really put that behind her, out of her mind to continue a sexual relationship with Kate? The thought that he had brought Kate to orgasm, had been privileged to hear the sounds she would have made then, felt the contractions of her body. Caroline went rigid against the back of the booth, her breath coming in short gasps. Dear God. That is where she should not go. Could not go, ever again if she was really going back to make this work with Kate. Could she do that? She knew that she had to put it behind her, forget it in any context except that Greg had played a role in the conception of the child she already loved. The baby she had seen on the monitor, the tiny heart she had seen beating. The little limbs she played tag with whenever she could get near Kate's stomach. The kicking that commenced whenever they squeezed her between them too hard. That is what she had to think of, this new life that would soon be with them in person.

Thinking of the baby lightened the load on her heart. She wanted this baby now as much as she had ever wanted William or Laurence. It wasn't growing in her body this time but she wanted it fiercely. Life with out Kate and this child was unthinkable. She resolved to do whatever it cost her to make it work this time.

Could she really forgive Kate? Yet, amazingly, some part of her already had, she realized. Caroline had felt the impact of Kate's breach of trust from the day it happened. Still there had been _something_ in her that allowed her to go to Kate to ask for another chance as if the fault had been hers alone. That same _something_ which had carried her down the staircase at Sulgrave Heath and on to St. Margaret's, at pace, to find Kate and make sure that she was alright and if there was anything that she could do for her. The same _something_ that had allowed her to take up Kate's challenge to dance at the wedding, in front of virtually everyone she knew. What was it? What was this indefinable _something_?

All at once Caroline sat bolt upright as the realization of the fact that her love for Kate overrode everything. Her love for Kate contained that quality of unconditional love that her love for her sons contained. What could her boys ever do which would cause her to stop loving them? Nothing. Simply nothing. Her love for Kate was so profound, that nothing Kate did would ever put her outside the reach of Caroline's love.

Running through her mind for a long time had been the thought of how out of character this act of Kate's had been. Now she went back in her mind to when she had first known Kate. Even in that long ago first interview she remembered noting the refreshing candidness of the applicant before her. As a teacher at Sulgrave Heath, Caroline could not recall Kate ever having dealt with any person or situation in anything other than a straightforward manner. She was one of the most respected teacher's in the school, trusted and admired by faculty, staff and students alike. Unfailingly kind, Kate was nevertheless honest and forthright when counseling students or with colleagues who asked her opinion or advice.

Caroline had experienced this first hand with Kate professionally and in their personal life. She had found a disarming directness which often set her back in surprise but which had been administered so delicately that Caroline was always charmed by it. She now realized that her instinctive trust of Kate was also based on years of experience. This was why she had been able to continue to love Kate and why the attraction to her had not dimmed, why she had been able to go to Kate and apologize. Wanted Kate so madly that it consumed her life.

Reflecting upon this, there was no choice but to take Kate's story of her desperation to have a baby at face value. The woman did not lie, well, except for not telling the whole story of her pregnancies and their complications, but that was her own fault as much as Kate's. Realistically, when had there ever really been the time for them to talk?

The only time Caroline had ever known Kate to be unkind was that morning at the breakfast table in the hotel when she deliberately, coldly said what she had about their relationship never having started and the shocking news that she intended to go to bed with Greg no matter what Caroline thought and had ended their relationship with a suddenness and finality that had rendered Caroline speechless. Even this had been Kate's honest expression of her feelings and she had been forthright if not kind.

Still not fully understanding what drove Kate to allow her to behave this way but having to accept it as the only plausible explanation, a sense of quiet settled over Caroline.

Suddenly exhausted Caroline focused her attention on the scene outside the window she had been staring through unseeingly for the last hour. Snow was falling, had been falling for a while now by the look of things. Dark was coming on early today due to the storm. Caroline pulled out her phone and called the local taxi service number stored there. Rising stiffly, she found the loo, and then went to the window to await the cab.


	10. Chapter 10

**Saturday Evening**

Walking carefully up the slippery path to Kate's door Caroline rang the bell, not wanting to startle her by trying the door. After the morning that they'd had she wasn't entirely sure of her welcome. Kate might just as soon she went back to Conway Drive tonight. Before she had time for more than this the door was opened wide and Kate was pulling her in out of the snow. "Caroline" was all she said but it had that note only Kate could put into her name, a warm tone that always sent a thrill through her.

Taking the coat as Caroline shrugged out of it, Kate shook the snow onto the rug in front of the door. Caroline removed her hat and did the same, meeting Kate at the coat rack where they each hung an item. Unexpectedly very close, they each stood their ground. Tired blue eyes met soft brown ones. For once neither could accurately read the other. Kate, slowly, tentatively, put a finger to Caroline's face pushing aside a lock of hair that had settled on her cheek. Seeing the wan smile and pleased that she had been permitted this small gesture, Kate, taller in slippers than Caroline in her low heeled boots, lowered her forehead to Caroline's. Lingering, loathe to part but with too much remaining between them to kiss yet, they cherished this moment of reconnection.

To Caroline it all felt like homecoming. It crossed her mind to wonder again how this could feel so right in light of what had happened between them and all that they had been through that morning. Too tired to think about it anymore and having vowed to herself _not_ to think about it for a while, Caroline allowed Kate to take her fingers and pull her into the fragrant kitchen. "I've made a vegetable lasagna, it's in the oven. It will be ready in an hour."

Caroline, shy, asked hesitantly, still not quite sure of her welcome, if Kate would mind if she showered first.

Smiling reassuringly, "No, of course, take your time. I'll just turn the oven down if your not back yet. It won't matter." Seeing that Caroline hadn't moved, Kate said gently, "Go ahead."

Smiling wanly once again, Caroline turned and started for the stairs with the glass of wine Kate had poured for her. She had stopped drinking last summer once John had actually left the house. Drinking alone had seemed like a slippery slope in the mental state she had been in at the time. Now, being with Kate again, it hadn't come up because as an expectant mother, Kate wasn't drinking either. Tonight, she was grateful for the comfort the wine brought. Touched by the thoughtfulness, Kate's knowing this would be what she needed just now.

The hot water running down her neck and shoulders, combined with the effect of the wine, helped to reduce the tension in her body. Kate's welcome had reduced the tension in her soul. Caroline put her mind on pause and got ready for dinner. Reapplying only a little mascara and some eye shadow, a look she knew Kate liked on her, Caroline pulled out some loose fitting, comfortable clothing of her own to match Kate's at-home attire.

Quietly eating their meal in the softly lighted dining room, curtains drawn, candles lighted, the two women were surprised to find themselves able to talking about the minutia of the day. This was something they had missed during their time apart. Caroline shared the news of Laurence's triumphs on the rugby pitch and the later text from William to tell her the time his train would arrive late tomorrow afternoon, as well as the text from her Mum to let her know that the trio had arrived safely at the farm. She'd received a call from the estate agent as she had sat down to her lunch to say that they could show the house on Conway Road twice today if it was OK with Caroline. One couple had looked at the house just before Christmas and the other family were seeing it for the first time. Kate had received a call from her Mum thanking them both for the lovely dinner the night before.

They relaxed a little more as the meal progressed, seeing that they _could_ find a way forward after the firestorm of the morning. Shyly, they stole glances at one another, gradually, bashfully they grew bolder and by the end of the meal, were able once again to meet the other's eyes naturally.

It didn't take long to clean the kitchen as Kate had done up everything except the tableware while Caroline was showering. This done, they found themselves once more on each end of the sofa. Kate leaned forward now, toward Caroline, meeting her eyes. Eyes so blue in this light that Kate was transfixed for a long moment. The need to swallow the water filling her mouth brought Kate back to the present and she said softly, "While you were away this afternoon, I realized that I have told you about what happened but I didn't apologize to you." Looking down briefly, then back into the blue, blue eyes, Kate could read in Caroline's expression the fact that this had not escaped her notice. I'm sorry for that."

Looking down at her distended belly, placing a hand on either side of it, Kate said just a shade defiantly, "I can't be sorry to have her." Then looking up into Caroline's face, defiance gone, sincerity in her voice, "But I am sorry for the things I did to you in order to get her." Seeing Caroline's silent nod of acceptance, Kate said "I'm sorry about the way in which I went about getting her. It wasn't right on so many levels. It wasn't right to disregard you and your feelings on the matter. It wasn't really fair to Greg. And it affected me in ways I hadn't considered." Pausing, holding Caroline's gaze Kate admitted, "It wasn't just sex. I'm not proud of how I handled this." Looking down, "It rocked me. It just felt so wrong." Back up at Caroline, "Wrong for everyone involved. I _am_ sorry."

Caroline took Kate's hands, scanning the face and eyes of this woman that she loved with an unreasonable love. She could only nod mutely, her throat constricted. Barely able to stand what Kate was putting herself through, she knew that Kate needed to say these things and that she needed to hear them in order to make things really right between them. She had to let her go on until she had said all she had to say, no matter how hard it was for either of them. Her fingers moving on Kate's hands Caroline's heart was in her eyes.

Seeing Caroline's state, Kate needed a moment too and looked down at the hands that held her own. For a time she just looked at these two sets of hands, her own long fingers, agile from playing the piano, golden brown in the light of the lamp, holding the light skinned hands, strong and ever so slightly tanned yet from a summer and fall working in the garden. Manicured hands peppered with the freckles Kate found so enchanting wherever she found them, and smiling to herself at the thought, she _had_ found them everywhere. Her fingers still moving on Caroline's hands, Kate looked up to find Caroline's gaze had followed hers and was also watching the movement of their hands on one another. Fingers that had been unconsciously entwining, stroking, clasping, reaping comfort from the feel of skin on skin now, seemingly of their own volition, deliberately caressed, touches firming, provoking response. Finally, Caroline on a sharp intake of breath closed her eyes as she grasped one of Kate's hands in each of her own, stilling them. Kate, smiling raised them to her lips and sweetly kissed the back of each of Caroline's hands before allowing them to rest between them again.

Eyes meeting once more, Kate went on sincerely, "Caroline, I am sorry. Sorry that I didn't trust you enough to talk the decision to have a baby through with you. Sorry that I rushed it. Rushed on without you. I'm sorry we didn't talk about everything more." Seeing the look that told her Caroline was about to take that on herself as it had been her family which had taken up so much of their time, laid a finger on downturned lips saying quickly, "no, I was an adult, I could have insisted, slowed everything down, made us take the time we should have taken to talk. About everything, not just the baby."

Looking again at the hands on the cushion between them, "I don't know if you will ever be able to forgive me." Moving remorseful dark eyes to meet gently receptive soft blue ones. "I don't know if you will ever be able to trust me again. If it helps, I don't think it _would_ happen again. I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of this. It seems to me now as if it were a perfect storm of events and circumstances that allowed me to betray… us." With liquid brown eyes as earnest as Caroline had ever seen them, "I'm sorry for breaking your trust. I'm sorry for not trusting _you_." Eyes welling up now, "I'm sorry for lying to you and hurting you with the things I said about us, making light of what was - _is_ so beautiful between us." Uncertain eyes seeking Caroline's as she swallowed back emotion.

Caroline, unable to contain herself longer put her arms around the trembling shoulders and moved in to hold Kate close. "Shhhhh. Shhh. It's alright now, it's alright." Realizing the truth in the words she had just said automatically, Caroline froze. Then, squeezing Kate tighter for a moment, took her by the shoulders and pushed her back so she could see her eyes and said with conviction. "Kate. It _is_ all right. I do forgive you.

"The question is whether you can forgive me? For all that I got wrong. I've been so selfish. I should have dealt with John before I let us get as serious as we did. It wasn't fair to you. I should have asked if you would wait for me to get a divorce and take care of the boys so that I could have devoted myself to you as I wanted to do. All of that was my responsibility, instead I embroiled you in it all, used you for my own ends. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I am so very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" Seeing Kate's watery smile, Caroline went on gravely, embarrassed, "Can you forgive me for this morning? I know I was awful."

Kate's fingers tenderly touched Caroline's cheek, wiping away a tear she hadn't known she'd shed, "Course. Of course," as they embraced again.

Caroline went for the box of tissues and they blotted one another's cheeks as well as their own, with little laughs and endearments, not for the first time in their tumultuous relationship. Once they had calmed a little, each taken a turn in the loo and resumed their seats with cups of tea in hand, Caroline asked Kate if she was very tired or if she was willing to answer a question? Kate, as willing as Caroline to get everything out in the open gave her assent.

"I meant what I said," Caroline assured her, "I do forgive you. We've forgiven each other?" At Kate's smiling nod, "Its just, I wonder if you would mind saying more about the perfect storm? I think it might help me understand. It might help us both to keep such a thing from happening. In future."

Kate had known that Caroline wasn't finished processing all that had transpired today. Come to that, neither had she. Kate moved her gaze over Caroline's shoulder, not really seeing anything, just thinking how to begin. Finally, meeting the waiting eyes of this woman who meant everything to her. "Caroline, this could easily get convoluted. The only way I can think to tell it so that it might make sense to you is to start chronologically. It might get long, is that OK?"

With loving eyes, Caroline said, "I want to hear anything you have to tell me." Then, with concern, "if you get too tired, you only need to say so and we can stop for tonight." Marveling a little, she said softly, "We still have the morning to ourselves."

Kate agreed, smiling, "I had a bit of a nap this afternoon," she added sheepishly.

Caroline's heartfelt "I'm glad" came quickly. She realized how much the morning must have taken out of Kate. Settling herself, she waited for Kate to begin.

"After I lost the last baby with Richard and began to recover from the depression, thanks to the meds, and the patience and vigilance of Richard and my Mum, Richard and I were never quite the same together. Something vital was missing. We went through the motions for another year or so but eventually we realized that it was over. It was a mutual decision. No recriminations. We settled everything amicably but it was still… very hard. It felt like another death.

When the house sold, I bought this place. I went on teaching. That was hard too. Everyone was kind but they all knew about the babies, about Richard. The daily pity was hard to take. It was time for a change. Then I saw there was an opening at Sulgrave Heath. I'd been hearing good things about the changes taking place there." Smiling sweetly at Caroline, "now I know who was responsible for that."

Caroline, ducking her head modestly and holding up a hand in protest, "A team effort, we all work hard for the school."

Kate, clearly of a different opinion, simply continued, her smiling eyes on Caroline, "That is when I met you." Stopping to remember, Kate said, "Something clicked inside me that day. For the first time since… someone interested me." Caroline didn't know how to respond to this, so she just smiled her love.

"Sulgrave was very different from my old school. I found a lightness, a sense of camaraderie, everyone working together, willing to work hard for the good of the students and the school. Hard to describe but I was very glad to be there."

Then a shadow overtook her face. "It was the one bright spot in my life just then. Dad was getting worse. It was becoming too much for Mum to keep him at home. We started investigating the options, looking for somewhere we felt we _could_ leave him." Looking up, Kate saw that Caroline understood their dilemma. Remembered that she and Celia had been through similar circumstances. Caroline put down her mug and took Kate's hand. Letting her continue at her own pace.

That is another thing that had made losing the last baby so hard. By then Dad was… swallowing hard, "not himself. I needed him so badly. Mum and I have always been close, I love her dearly. But Dad. Dad was so much fun. He taught me to play the piano, did I ever tell you? He never reprimanded, we laughed over mistakes and went on. The piano is all joy to me because of him. He made it fun." Once again tears slid down smooth brown cheeks.

Caroline, also moved, leaned in to pull the dark head to her shoulder, but Kate choking back tears, put a hand on Caroline's sleeve to hold her off, saying, "Its OK, sorry." Hastily rubbing away tears Kate continued, "Dad. He'd always had a way of reaching me, even in the darkest moments. He could jolly me along when no one else could." Her voice barely above a whisper now, "Without him the last time was the hardest.

Richard finally refused to try again for a baby, he said he wouldn't risk me." A wan regretful upturn of lips, "In the end that is what did us in. Seeing by the look on Caroline's face that she did understand and was sympathetic to all that Kate and Richard and their families had gone through.

Caroline said gently, "Is this too much for you? Do you want to go on?"

Kate realized that she wanted Caroline to know these things about her and nodded. On a deep breath, "So throwing myself into teaching at Sulgrave is what kept me going." Then mischievously, "Sulgrave and you."

At this Caroline pulled her chin down, conveying her doubt by once again looking over imaginary glasses. "We barely spoke in those days."

For the first time today, Kate's eyes crinkled at the corners as she shared her memories of that time. "True, but just seeing you striding down the corridor could brighten my day somehow. I loved assemblies and faculty meetings because I could watch you, hear your voice, admire the way you were always so well put together." Amused at Caroline's embarrassment, Kate went on, " I found myself looking for you. Listening for the distinctive tapping of your heels in the corridor." Then, ruefully, "I had to learn to be careful. More than once my attention to a conversation wandered when I caught sight of you rounding a corner or saw you across the playing fields and I would get a strange look."

Sobering, "then last winter, I saw the change in you. The sadness. I realized you didn't really have any friends, not at school anyway. You looked so alone in your unhappiness. I couldn't help reaching out to you. I was a little surprised when you seemed glad to see me if I came up to talk to you. It took such a long time, so many small tentative exchanges before it seemed like you _might_ consider it natural for me to invite you for a cup of tea. A long time to work up the courage to ask Dr. Elliot to tea that afternoon." Remembering, Kate stopped.

"I was glad when you did. A little surprised but glad. I didn't socialize with anyone really." Reflecting, "I guess I hadn't socialized at all for a long time. John and I had been traveling more and more in different circles. I didn't like most of his friends, he didn't like mine. The more he drank the more treacherous it became to go out together, finally, we didn't anymore. I was working hard after I took the position at Sulgrave, with the boys and the house, my mother, there just wasn't time for keeping up with friends and gradually, they fell away." Coming out of her reverie, Caroline embarrassed again, apologized, "Sorry. Sorry, this was about you." Sincerely, "Please go on."

Smiling, "Wonder of wonders, you came to tea with me. And even more amazingly, it became a regular Friday thing. Yes, I know we talked a lot about John and all of that but sometimes I got you to laugh and that felt like such an accomplishment. Before I knew it, I was smitten with you." With her gaze on Caroline's face Kate's voice softened involuntarily, "Everything about you enchanted me. Your looks, your voice, the way you move, your hair, the expressions that move across your face revealing so much more of what you think than your words ever do." Then cheekily, "You in a tight skirt and heels walking. Anywhere."

Caroline rolled her eyes and looking at the ceiling ordered, "Go on."

Kate, still smiling broadly at Caroline's discomfort, thinking ahead to what she would say next began to sober again. "So while you may have seen a confident teacher, in my personal life I was still in many ways dealing with the effects of losing the babies, Richard, my marriage and now my Dad." Looking into Caroline's face. "There was a lot of grieving going on inside me. I needed a friend too."

Caroline was stricken. "I was so selfish. I never knew. I never even asked." Thinking back, "Even after that day in the garden when you tried to get me to see you, all I could talk about was myself again." The pain settled into Caroline's face, her mouth turned down once more. Overcome, she whispered, "Oh God, Kate, I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry. I… What an arse I am. Totally. Completely." Shaking her head in sorrow, saying in an agonized voice, "Kate."

Kate dismayed at the effect this had had on Caroline, took her face into her hands saying hurriedly, "Caroline, I didn't say any of this to make a point or to make you feel bad. It was only to put my state of mind into perspective. I'm sorry, I wasn't…"

Caroline cut her off, "No. No, I understand. You are right to tell me." A grim look on her face shaking her head in acknowledgement of this truth about herself, "I needed to hear that." Taking Kate's hands into her own again, "Kate, I am _so_ sorry for all of my selfishness. I'm beginning to see so much now. I can't believe how much I took you for granted. Your kindness, your good nature, your willingness always to be there for me when you were going through so much yourself. I can't stand it. What a shit I've been."

Unable to remain seated Caroline got up and walked across the room. Turning she said to Kate, "How could you stand me? I can't believe you ever took up with me in the first place." Pacing again for the long moment that Kate gave her. Caroline stopped at the sofa, sitting close to Kate, she put the back of her hand to Kate's cheek. "So this fragile state is where you were emotionally when you sat at the dinner table, in front of my family, hearing the ugly things my mother said? When you so graciously let my Mum talk you into coming back to me?" Continuing with these realizations as statements, not questions. When I asked you to move in with me to make John uncomfortable. When Laurence and John were unkind to you." Shaking her head in horror at herself, "when we started talking so soon about houses and babies." Anguished, "Oh Kate."

Tortured at the recognition that she had driven Kate to such desperation, Caroline was on her feet again, on the move. It was her selfishness that had brought them to this place. _Her_ selfishness that had given them six months of suffering, lost them six months together, lost her six months of Kate's pregnancy.

Caroline stopped, not far from Kate but still standing. "Kate, I don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem like enough."

Kate came to stand in front of Caroline, leaning against her. Speaking gently, "Caroline, we've both said that word a lot tonight. Maybe this is enough." Raising fingers to Caroline's cheek, "Can we just say that we've forgiven each other?"

The muscles in Caroline's face and neck were working to control her emotions, once again, in this day which had been so full of emotion for both of them. She nodded, unable to speak and laid a wet cheek against Kate's.

Kate whispered "Caroline", lips so close to her ear that a current ran through Caroline. A jagged sigh escaped. Tipping her head back, still cheek to cheek with the taller woman, Caroline breathed, "Kate." The two stood for a long moment, treasuring this renewal of intimacy.

Kate pulled back first, ever so slightly to look into Caroline's eyes. "Caroline, there is just one more thing to say. It won't be enough to forgive one another, we are going to need to forgive ourselves."

Caroline considering this, nodded. "You're right of course." Earnest blue eyes, "I'll try if you will."

Kate seeing the willingness in Caroline's eyes, agreed, "Yes." These promises made, they remained, transfixed, each unwilling to break the moment. They stood fully engrossed in one another. Reveling in the miracle of truly relaxing into one another for the first time in such a long time. Lips raining feather-light kisses on eyes, chins, noses, foreheads, breathing whispers into one another's ear, fingers smoothing back hair, tracing down throats, they held one another until, exhausted by the tensions of the day, they made their way upstairs.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sunday **

The sun was bright, snow sparkled in the trees outside Kate's window, white, clean, still. Caroline felt much the same this morning. Cocooned with Kate, serenity encompassed her. After the discord of the last year it was like coming into church from a busy, noisy urban street, feeling silence shut out the clamor as the great wooden doors close. Searching her memory, Caroline could not recall a time she had felt this much at peace.

Remembering yesterday and the depths of emotion she and Kate had plumbed, marveling that they had come through it to the point of quietude they had found at the end of the evening. The peace that had settled over them finally had seemed sanctified. The physical passion, a hallmark of their relationship, had somehow been consumed by the fiery emotions of the day. Desire had been present as they gently undressed one another, attentive appreciation tempered, as if by satiation, becalmed but fully present. Once in bed they lay facing, kissing softly, touching hair, lips, brow, cheeks, still in wonder at the joy of being together, angst and demons shut away for the first time since they had known one another. Tranquility advancing to sleep as they relaxed from the tensions of the day.

Now, Caroline was pressed closely to Kate, once more supporting the back that carried the precious cargo. Her hand already resting on the side of Kate's stomach she felt the tiny movements beneath the firmness of the belly. This enjoyable new custom, her fingers responding, moving here and there, following the movement below. Caroline heard the change in Kate's breathing and even though she hadn't moved, knew that she had been wakened by the game these other two in the bed were playing.

Slowly, Caroline moved her hand to the top of the firm stomach, up under a full breast. Raising her fingers, rubbing a pattern there, she heard with satisfaction the resulting catch of breath. Turning her hand to cup this delicious weight, Caroline only teasingly allowed any part of her hand to graze the sensitive nipple until Kate was squirming against her, her own hips reciprocating. At the desperately groaned, "Caroline" she shifted so that Kate could roll onto her back. Caroline rose on an elbow to bring her mouth into proximity with the lovely brown lips once again saying her name, softly, urgently. Kate raised her lips into a tender reunion. Slow lingering kisses escalating demands coursing through bodies long denied. Eager breathy sounds escaping unbidden and moans of pure pleasure brought them too soon to fever pitch. Neither wanted to rush but the gathering storm overran attempts to slow the pace.

Caroline discovered first hand the inconveniences from this side of the baby bump. As she moved to throw a leg over Kate's, before she could touch her, long agile fingers were gliding easily up and inside her, eliciting a small cry of surprise. Kate watched with delight as surprise was replaced by rapture as Caroline's body responded automatically to her touch.

Caroline's hand caressed its way around the bulge to find the place where it ended and Kate began. Kate's need moved to meet this touch, luxuriating in it. "I need to feel you inside me Caroline." Urgently whispered into the face hovering so close, "Now!" Her hips positioning to meet her demand, desire clear. Caroline froze, she hadn't planned to do that, was afraid of hurting Kate or endangering the baby, the recent scare too fresh.

Reading the concern on the face so near, "Really, it's alright." Allowing Kate's hand to guide her fingers lower, Caroline stopped at probing the rim of her opening in such a way that the pleasure Kate experienced soon loosened her grip on Caroline's arm.

The ardor of long separation expended itself in ceaselessly probing fingers and sight and sound of one another in the throes of this passion moved them quickly over the edge. Bending, Caroline pressed demanding kisses onto the open lips waiting to take her in. Not yet satisfied, pulsing her body up and down the length of Kate's, Caroline allowed her fingers to ever so slowly and gently enter where she had refused to go earlier. Watching Kate's eyes widen and her lips part at this delight Caroline didn't stop until she reached the limit. For a full moment she didn't move, holding Kate's eyes, watching as she breathed through the waiting, the wanting, and then, the first flicker, then a twitch, slowly a random pattern of gentle flexing producing exquisite pleasures.

Keeping Kate's eyes, Caroline whispered, "K-a-te, I need you." Before the words were out, reciprocation was in progress. Mirroring entry and the full stop, then the gentle flexing movements which involuntarily pushed Caroline's head back, eyes closed consumed by the warm, tingling that raced through her body at each tiny movement within. Pacing, cadence, modulation, a certain… yes, rhythm detected even in slow motion. Eyes snapping open, asking as breath allows, "K-a-te, - are you - playing music in…"

Ghost of a grin, "took - long - enough."

Feeling the dig, breath catching, responding. Smile returning. Seeing the question, "Rhapsody - in Blue." Recognition of the tune registers, then, still seeing a question. Whispered, "your – eyes." Kissing softly the hovering mouth, feeling one fat tear drop onto her cheek before they part, "Caroline."

In this liminal space, two souls open to one another through perceiving eyes.

Open - accessible – accessed

Hidden - discovered – divulged, revealed – accepted

Guilt – acquittal

Discord – harmonized

Defenseless, vulnerable – safe, secured

Longing – fulfilled

Yearning– requited

Dedicated – devoted

Throughout this exchange tears ran freely down faces so bravely open to one another. Completing this interchange, quivering lips touching, lingering unwilling to let this hallowed feeling go. For a time the only sound is the uneven breathing of two women in a slow burn fighting to control the fire, consumed equally by unbarred psyches as by lust. Kate, sensing control slip, plays accelerato and they come spectacularly, in quick succession.

Finally, inert, Caroline drops onto the dark soft bosom of her lover. Chuckling softly, tearfully to hear Kate's heart still pounding beneath her ear. Kate's hands come to rest on spotted shoulders, peering down to the face beneath her chin, Kate breaths out "Caroline" on a sigh of satisfaction in their convocation, so intimately close again in spirit as well as body.

Caroline hearing her name as only Kate could say it felt a thrill run through her in spite of her satiated state and gave a mock warning look, asking with raised eyebrows, "You want to start all over again?"

Eyes sparkling, "Mmmhmm," with some enthusiasm, pressing her closer. Attempting to comprehend the unprecedented thing that had just transpired between them, Caroline raised her head to meet Kate's gaze, once again, unspoken question evident on her face.

Smiling in amazed awe, matching Caroline's, she said, "communion."

Considering, Caroline finally nodded in agreement pressing her lips once again to Kate's to seal this humbling experience. Unwilling to move they drowsed until Caroline's phone buzzed annoyingly, insistently on the beside table forcing her to move.

"My mother. A text, thank God she didn't have to speak to her just now. "Off to explore Eland today, want to come with?" Showing Kate, then with a sensuous parting kiss, rolled onto her back to tap in her commitments for the day. Finishing this task she turned back to gaze at Kate, taking in the flawless skin, its warmth of color; the sparkling eyes drinking her in; the carved lips, lips she had actually wakened in the night thinking about more than once in the months of their separation. "Shower with me?"

Admiring eyes followed Caroline around the bed, "Yes, if you'll pull a pregnant woman up." Which Caroline did, and standing very close, they discovered that they were not finished kissing yet. Hands roamed naked backs and bottoms and breasts, just for the sheer pleasure of it all until at last they found their way to the shower.

Kate, returning to the bedroom with tea and toast found Caroline moving around the room still wrapped rather inadequately in a towel, another wrapped turban style around her wet head. Seeing that her approach had been undetected Kate watched as Caroline bent over her suitcase revealing the quarter moons of curvaceous flesh between the edge of the towel and luscious thighs. Kate going a little weak at this sight placed the tray softly on the table. When she turned back Caroline had moved to the other end of the suitcase and was once again bending over the open bag. This top down view showed the swell of breasts as they dangled just inside the toweling.

Kate was magnetically drawn to this magnificent sight. Caroline smiled seeing Kate approach, her smiled fading as she noticed the intent look on the face that had been away such a short time. "Kate?"

Kate took Caroline's hands, guiding her into the winter sunlight streaming through the window. She untucked the end of the towel letting it drop, immediately dazzled by the effect of winter sunlight on the creamy skin of Caroline's body. Her breath coming faster now she reached out to touch the swell of breast when Caroline sliding the robe she had worn to the kitchen from her frame forced her arm down.

"Kate, look at you. You are so beautiful." Taken by perfect skin gleaming like cocoa satin, running her hands over the protruding stomach, reaching to lift a heavy breast in each hand she was restrained by Kate's hands sliding down her arms capturing her hands, tugging her arm straight down. "Kate?"

"I want to see you Caroline. We went so fast before, I didn't get to see you." Reaching out to caress, she found Caroline's hand also reaching. Turning Caroline around Kate kept contol of her hands as she leaned in to place butterfly kisses across shoulders, between shoulder blades, moving slowly south. Breathless at the expanse of cinnamon colored spots arrayed across alabaster skin, an inverse night sky – stars dark on sheer radiance.

Alternately gazing and touching, kissing or tonguing the spots like sprinkles on ice cream Kate worked her way down and back again. Each time Caroline began to step away or turn to respond Kate gently but firmly pulled her back in place with the hands still held in her own.

Unable to use her hands to make contact with her lover, Caroline realized that she _could_ reach Kate with her voice. "Ka-a-te, Ka-a-te, Ka-a-te," she breathed with every lick or kiss.

There it was, her name in three syllables as only Caroline could drawl it, pronouncing each letter so distinctly. The hard K sound, long stress on the A and the crisp pronunciation of the consonant T. Her tongue on the edge of a shoulder blade dug in as this sound went through her. Kate groaned, "God, Caroline."

Smiling in satisfaction, Caroline continued as Kate worked her way down an arm, still a little pink from their shower, turning it to expose the inside of the elbow which received special attention as did the sensitive wrist.

Taking each finger into her mouth in turn, using the roughness of her tongue to suckle, her eyes once again on Caroline's Kate could watch her melting. See the softness in her face, the sag in her stance as she was weakened by renewed arousal. Kate took the limp figure into her arms and began, nipping and kissing cinnamon spots from Caroline's neck, unhurriedly, up and up behind the ear as the sound of her name drawled so thrillingly close became softer, the utterances further apart as Caroline's attention was more and more consumed by sensation.

Pulling back slightly to bring her face close to Caroline's Kate found that as always when she came this close Caroline's lips parted, birdlike, ever ready to take her in. When the expected pressure failed to materialize, Caroline opened reproachful eyes, breathing "Ka-a-te, once more." That did it, lips and tongues fitted together seeking and giving all the pleasure of which they were capable.

Parting, pulling Caroline by the hand, watching the long lissome radiance which followed, Kate sat her on the bed and gracefully for one in her stage of pregnancy dropped to her knees, focusing on breasts, carressing, kissing, taking them in, one by one. Shivering at Caroline's fingers in her hair, nails ever so slightly raking her scalp. Finally, Kate pushed Caroline's shoulders back, moving down, kissing along the faded caesarian scar, she parted freckled knees, one by one placing a heel on the edge of the bed before running her fingers luxuriously through curly ginger hair. Hearing Caroline's breathing rate speed up and her moans of anticipation only served to slow Kate's progress, unhurriedly working each inner thigh before moving on to the core so very ready for her. Tasting, teasing, eventually satisfying.

Eventually, she rose to join Caroline on the bed and was met by guiding hands positioning her knees on either side of Caroline, hungry lips taking hers, one hand behind her head pulling her forward the other gliding up the inside of her leg to minister to her need.

Collapsed in a heap too relaxed to move, Caroline's musical laugh rang out and she breathed into Kate's ear, "you are soooo good. Just remembering your fingers inside me makes me want to come again." Feeling an arm raised to comply with this suggestion, Caroline, stopped it, laughing throatily again, "Please, I can't take anymore." With this she pressed her cheek to Kate's then slid her mouth to bestow a sensuous, slowing down but not quite there yet kiss on waiting lips. Gradually, the nuzzling and necking subsided and Caroline pulled the covers over them as glistening skin began to dry and cool. Before long they had both drifted off to sleep again.

When they finally woke there was barely time to shower again, quickly this time; dress and get to the school to meet Laurence's bus. Ravenous, on the way to the school, the two made plans to visit a restaurant locally famous for its all day Sunday Brunch Buffet. Laurence would no doubt be nearly as hungry as they by the time he got off the bus.

Pulling onto the car park, they saw that the bus had arrived and boys crowding around the luggage compartment pulling out their gear and when they had assembled their belongings begin to move off to waiting cars. They spotted Laurence a pile at his feet, standing near Angus dumping his load into the boot of his mother's car. Pulling in near them, Caroline got out to open the back for Laurence who lost no time gathering his kit and piling it into the Jeep. The wind was bitterly cold again so, with a wave to Felicity and Angus, mother and son quickly moved to the shelter of their car.

Once inside, "Mum, Mum, we won! We won the tournament, it was so great…" and Laurence was off, excitedly sharing all the details of a memorable trip. Seeing that they missed the turning for home, Laurence interrupted his monologue to inquire about their destination and gratified to learn that a meal was in the offing, resumed his story just where he left off. Exchanging a smile at his boyish excitement, Caroline and Kate happily listened as the details unfolded asking the right questions whenever there was a pause for breath. It wasn't until the meal was almost finished that Laurence ran down. It turned out that his rugby shoes, already on the tight side had split under pressure during the last game and a new pair would be required almost immediately as there was a practice tomorrow afternoon. Plans were laid to head for the sporting goods store and by they time they finished there it would be close to time for William's train so they would pick him up before going home.

William, striding out from the station swung himself into the backseat stowing his bag at his feet. Leaning forward he kissed his Mum and squeezed Kate's arm before settling back and giving his brother a playful punch to the shoulder. "So, how did it go, Beano Boy?" And Laurence was off again.

Caroline had felt a pang in her heart at the sight of her manly son coming toward her car. He was barely a boy anymore. Until he got near his brother, then their banter made her feel better, as though William was still her boy, not quite all grown up. She couldn't help stealing another glance at him in the rear view mirror and found him looking back at her. Smiling quickly to hide the mother angst, she saw by his look that he was now too quick for her, he had already seen it in her eyes.

Entering the spotless house, they all trooped upstairs to put away their things. And under direction from Caroline brought all the clothes that needed washing to the laundry room. It wasn't long before the sounds of the washer and dryer mingled with music from William's room and sounds of the Xbox from the sitting room. Caroline, after putting in another load of washing met Kate in the kitchen for cup of tea. Before long William, having had an early lunch, joined them wondering what might be in progress for tea. Both women groaned at the mention of food, having fully eaten their share at the buffet. Caroline suggested that he make a sandwich now and later they would order takeout when everyone else got hungry again.

Caroline asked William about meeting Roxy's family and was told the story of his weekend and what a good time he'd had in Liverpool. He inquired how they had spent their time. It was a natural question but somehow neither of them was quite prepared to answer. William, who had been rinsing his plate at the sink when he asked the question, turned back with a towel in his hand at the silence that followed. His Mum and Kate were looking at one another, Mum blushing and Kate, her mouth open apparently had nothing to say. Grinning, he said, "Well, you don't have to tell me. I was only being polite."

Caroline was further discomfited by this new composure of William's. He kept slipping between manhood and boyhood. It was disconcerting. Finally, her wits returning to her Caroline offered, "We went for walks, oh yes, and we had dinner with Kate's Mum on Friday night, just relaxed mainly."

William barely suppressing another grin, said, "Good. Good, I'm glad." Then taking pity on them, headed for the door saying, "Think I'll go give Laurence a challenge."

Hearing Williams footsteps disappear into the carpet of the sitting room, the two in the kitchen finally let themselves look at one another and dissolved into embarrassed laughter. Caroline, her head back looking at the ceiling said, "Can you believe I wasn't prepared to answer a simple question from my son? I think I'm losing it." Then looking at Kate, laughed again, "_If_ I ever had it."

Kate, her smile turning into a leer, replied "Oh, you had it Dr. Elliot." Allowing herself a leisurely inventory of assets, said softly, "You've still got it." Suddenly, they realized how long it had been since their last kiss and leaned in to correct that oversight. Just as they were feeling the heat begin to build, they heard a cough, Caroline, instantly deciding that she was not going to be embarrassed in her own kitchen again today did not immediately pull back and with her hand on Kate's shoulder would not allow her to back away either. Ending the kiss slowly, she turned to find Laurence with his head in the fridge and said coolly, "William's beaten you already?"

"No, he is out of practice," closing the refrigerator door, "I trounced him but I needed a refill." Without blinking an eye he was out the door calling insults to his brother as he padded back down the hall in his stocking feet.

Caroline turned to find Kate, chin pulled in, regarding her with a look of admiration. "Quick learner, Dr. Elliot."

Hearing the timer go off on the dryer, Caroline started after it, pausing to place a very wet kiss right in Kate's ear, before breathing into it, "bloody right." At Kate's cry of protest at this treatment, Caroline, moved swiftly to the door and threw a saucy look back at Kate before disappearing up the stairs. She could hear Kate muttering as she reached for a paper towel to dry her ear, "No doubt in my mind where Laurence gets his cheekiness."

Later over takeout pizza and salad, Caroline shared with the boys the news that the house had been shown to two different families over the weekend and that one family was seeing it for the second time in a week. This news brought a serious look to William's face and a worried one to Laurence's. "What if it sells this week? Where will we go?"

Giving him a loving look and a touch on the cheek, Caroline said, "Oh Laurence, don't look so worried. Even if we did accept an offer this week, it would likely be several weeks before the sale is finalized. We would have time to find a place." Settling herself on her stool and leaning forward toward the two across the counter from her, "You know, Laurence we've been packing things all fall. Everything non-essential." Looking at William, she explained, we wanted it to be homey until at least after Christmas." Then looking at Kate, "There are packed boxes everywhere, in the closets, in the attic, in the cellar. It won't take us long to be ready to move." Then, wrinkling her nose, "except my study."

Looking back at the boys, "I've spoken to the manager of a nice block of furnished flats not far from school. We could put most things in storage and live there until we find just the right house." Looking back at Kate to find a closed expression on her face, Caroline, her face and eyes full of love went on softly, "That was before Christmas Eve. Now, we need to reevaluate our plans."

The women gazed on for another moment as the boys exchanged a look, wondering what would be coming next. A look they had shared many times over the last year or so, wondering what was coming next from the adults in this house.

Caroline, missing that exchange, looked back at her sons. "Kate and I are going to live together." She looked at them each in turn, the full light of her love for them clearly showing on her face, her voice gentle, "I know things have been happening very quickly this week." Catching Laurence's eye, "It may all be a little much for you to take in all at once. I don't want to rush you but this isn't going to change again. Between Kate and I. We've worked it out. We love one another. We are going to look for a home for all of us." Adding with a little trepidation, in case it hadn't dawned on them, "And the baby."

Pausing to let them process this much and to see what reactions would be forthcoming, Caroline watched and waited. William gave her a warm smile, his Mum knew what he thought, like her, he waited to see what Laurence would say.

Laurence looked at his Mum for a long moment. The two of them had spent quite a bit of time together this fall, working on the packing up, in the garden, seeing the odd film when they could agree upon one, cooking and eating together. They had become closer after he called her on being boring. She'd made more of an effort. He knew it hadn't been easy, she had been very sad. Now, she was all, sort of sparkly, happy he guessed. He couldn't ever remember seeing her like this, not even before Dad moved out. At this moment though, she looked a little scared. She was scared he was going to make trouble again.

Laurence looked at Kate. She'd had her head turned, looking at his Mum, a worried look on her face, but it was also soft with love for his Mum, that is what he needed to see. He had been at school, he had seen the tension between them whenever they were in the same room. Even in a large room where they didn't have to talk to one another, he had seen the strain in Mum's face, and in Kate's. It was different now. Whatever had been wrong seemed to be OK. Kate had turned to face him when she felt his gaze on her. She met his eyes and they seemed to be reassuring him that she wasn't going to change back again. But he had to know. Holding her eyes, he asked, "Is it really all right? You aren't going to change your minds again?"

Kate released Caroline's hand in her lap and put both of hers on the island in front of her. "No Laurence, we aren't going to change our minds. We've talked everything through, we love each other and we want to be together."

Laurence narrowed his eyes at her, "didn't you love each other before?"

Direct and to the point, thought Kate, another trait he got from his mother. No free passes here. "Well, yes, we did love each other. We never stopped loving each other really. We found we couldn't be happy apart."

"So what if you aren't happy _together_ either?" Laurence challenged. He'd certainly seen enough of that in this house. He loved his Mum, he'd seen exactly how unhappy she had been dealing with his Dad and then even more unhappy when she was no longer with Kate. If she wouldn't protect herself, he would have to do it.

Kate was used to interacting with teenagers. It was her job. This was different. She saw that Laurence wasn't thinking of himself, he was worried for his Mum. He knew she had hurt Caroline. He wasn't a child. Platitudes were not going to be enough. What would she say to Caroline's father if he were asking the questions?

Caroline, started to jump into this pause to reassure the boys, but Kate put a hand on her arm, as she looked into the blue eyes so ready to defend her she said, "No Caroline, he has the right to ask. He deserves an answer."

She found Laurence still regarding her levelly, waiting for his answer. "Laurence," looking at both boys, "William, I hurt your Mum."

Caroline interjected, "We hurt each other."

Kate again put a hand on her arm and gave her a look that said, 'I've got this.' Looking each boy in the eye again, Kate resumed. "We did hurt each other. The difference is that your Mum hurt me inadvertently and I hurt her intentionally. At least, I knew what I was about to do would hurt her deeply and I did it anyway." Kate had trouble getting the last sentence out without her voice breaking, but she gained control again and went on.

"The thing about your Mum is," stealing a glance at Caroline, knowing she would break down if she really looked at her, she saw the blonde head tilted and the face working to keep control of her own emotions as she watched Kate respond to these difficult questions. Kate bravely faced these two who loved Caroline as much as she did, "She is a very generous person. She forgave me. Not everyone would have."

Laurence thought it was a good sign that Kate was crying. It showed that she wasn't taking this lightly. Still, there was one more important thing. "Was it about the baby."

The two women exchanged another look, each read the surprise at Laurence's intuition in the other's face. Seeing Caroline's almost imperceptible nod, Kate knew that she was being trusted to share this essential piece of their story with the two boys that Caroline loved as much as life itself. Honored but scared, Kate faced the two sets of waiting eyes, "Yes, it was about the baby. Not so much about whether or not to have one, your Mum knew I wanted a baby very badly." Steeling herself to say these words out loud to Caroline's sons, she took a deep breath and went on, "I wasn't true to your Mum, I let her down to have a chance to get this baby." Her face working again, once more mastering herself, "I'm not proud of that. I caused her a lot of pain." Swallowing hard, looking fiercely at each set of eyes before her, "I promise each of you as I promised her," glancing at Caroline Kate saw the tears running unchecked down her cheeks. "I will never intentionally hurt her again. I mean that with all my heart.

Caroline, unable to resist any longer, put both arms around Kate and pulled her close. Cheeks together, tears mingling, they hugged for a moment before turning back to the boys. Caroline, using her dinner napkin to blot away tears, trying valiantly to smile, said, "We intend to spend many years together making one another happy." She joined her hands with Kate's and looking into her eyes said, "That doesn't mean we will never disagree, or disappoint one another, or get cross now and then," looking back at the boys, William discreetly wiping away a tear or two of his own, "that is all part of life, but it won't ever be _that_ way again." Letting her pride and love for them show on her face, Caroline asked, "All right? Can you be happy for us?"

Before the words were out of her mouth William was already on his way around the island to hug her. Laurence followed suit, he didn't like seeing his Mum cry. He even leaned in and gave Kate a brief hug.

Both women had swiveled on their stools to receive the boys, Caroline was on her feet, the boys facing her, she had a hand on the outside shoulder of each as she said, "we want to be a family. We want you both to be brothers to this little girl." She had taken her hand from William's shoulder to place it on Kate's baby bulge. William took Kate's hand and Laurence rolled his eyes and said, "A _girl_?! Oh maaaan."

This brought a round of laughter that broke the tension. Caroline pulling Laurence in for a hug, kissed his cheek and told him affectionately, "You'll get over it."

Then began a series of questions about living arrangements, house sales and timing that had no answers yet. Caroline finally held up both hands, saying, "Look, I promise I will let you know as soon as there is anything to tell. All right? I'm glad you are excited, I just don't know what to say right now."

As they went about belatedly clearing away after their meal the talk turned to plans for the next day. Caroline shared that Kate had an appointment with her doctor tomorrow morning and that Caroline would be going with her. Laurence had practice at 1pm and William had hoped to visit some friends so they arranged that the two women would take Kate's car for the appointment and William could take the Jeep if he would drop his brother at the rugby field before meeting his friends.

That sorted and the kitchen returned to order, William went off to call Roxy, Laurence to view the new DVD he had received for Christmas and since Kate hadn't had a nap today, she and Caroline decided to retire for the night.

Once in Caroline's room, they looked at one another and broke into relieved laughter and collapsed onto the edge of the bed. "Oh Kate, you were wonderful. How did you know just the right thing to say?"

Looking questioningly at Caroline, "Was it the right thing? I didn't want to go too far into it, but they do have a right to know that I intend to try to make their mother happy."

Caroline stroked Kate's cheek with her fingers, "I think everything will go much more smoothly now that we've had this conversation. Thank you for being willing to put yourself through that again."

Regretfully, "Well, it was my fault, I did hurt you."

Both hands on Kate's cheeks now, Caroline said earnestly, "We hurt each other. I put you into impossible situations. It wouldn't have gone where it did without me mucking about." Then decisively, "besides, I thought we were putting this behind us."

Kate made a rueful face, "As much as I would like that, I think there is one more conversation we are going to need to have about this."

Caroline said "Mum," at the same time Kate said "Celia." Each resigned to the fact that this was true, they gazed at one another for moment before Caroline said, "OK, once more if absolutely necessary, then, no more." Holding Kate's face again, "That will be the end of it. Forgotten. Promise?"

"I promise," said Kate, the love light in her eyes.

Caroline, turning Kate's shoulders until she was lying across her lap, in her arms laid a tender kiss on the surprised lips. "I've been thinking, with all of this angst, you might need to relax tonight and there is a _very_ large tub in my bathroom, I wonder if you'd like to indulge yourself?"

Kate brought her face very close to Caroline's, "that depends on whether I have to get into this 'very large' tub alone." Rubbing her nose against the freckled one before her, "or if you're willing to get in with me." She took Caroline's bottom lip into a lingering kiss.

"I could _likely_ be persuaded," Caroline breathed.

"Mmmm, how likely is that?" murmured Kate.

"One more kiss like that ought to just about do it."


End file.
